Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
My cousin (who tormented me a few months ago and made me deeply, deeply depressed) brought over tacos she bought for me for lunch when she and her mum brought my mother back from the ER today. (just her pain flaring up, she's fine) I was reading her discharge papers and my cousin saw my recent self-injury scars (honestly I don't think they look that bad *now* but they were bad enough to bruise my arm too) and was like "HOLY SHIT!" and looked horrified, and she just told me it kills her to see that I still struggle with self-injury, since she used to do it too. And told me she loved me and said, "You love me too right?" and I readily answered that yes! Yes I do.
I honestly thought she hated me and wanted me gone and I just feel so good right now, like a weight has been lifted. Today is her mother's (my aunt's) birthday so she left to take her to see Jurassic World.
Also.... objectively looking back on the whole situation that happened Monday.... I'm not mad at K. Even though she bullied me worse than I've ever been bullied in my life. I feel bad for her.
Her boyfriend texted me the following day, explaining that the more vitriolic texts about how I'm "gross/a whore/was his mistake" were from her and how he really tried to stop her from sending them. (which is what I suspected anyways....) But I told him that I can't talk to him anymore. She burns him with a heated-up metal thing when she catches us talking anyways and I suspect she abuses him in other ways, aside from that and the obvious control tactics/manipulation.
So, I've ultimately decided to disregard my feelings for him, and his feelings for me, and let her bully me into staying away from him and all of them.
Because I fear for her safety, and I fear for his safety.
I kept his sweet lil note and remembering his mumbly little voice makes me feel warm inside.
I strongly believe now that she has Borderline Personality Disorder just like I do, when I objectively examine the entire situation. You see..... I think it's that she literally cannot emotionally tolerate his rejection of her.
When she was fucked up (I was too, but less so) the first night we hung out at Z and E's house, she kept mumbling to me, all sad, like, "Why don't boys ever like me? Why do they like you?" (really "they" is just her boyfriend, I guess, and my ex who she liked) and...... I couldn't give her a solid answer. I really think it's just those two who didn't, because she really is beautiful and clever.
That's another sign of Borderline, several isolated incidences feeling like, uh, a pattern, something that's your fault, that will continue for the rest of your life. Like if two people don't like you, if they have anything discernible in common at all, you will feel like that sort of person will never like or love you. At least until your episode is over and you've got your wits (and sense of objectivity) about you once more.
But she can't emotionally tolerate him rejecting her, especially not for me, so she went so far as to pretend to actually be him, calling me gross and whore, got my other friends to join in, and blatantly bullied me, herself. And abused him. And abused herself (cutting, that I know of, possibly other forms of self-injury in addition to that.)
So *sigh* I decided it was best to cut him loose. The whole running away with him to Pennsylvania thing was tempting, but I'm genuinely afraid for her safety. I couldn't live with her blood on my hands....... Even though she hates me. I wanted her to like me, I wanted her to love me. I still do, even though she never will now. But I'm not desperate for it. Still, I want her to stay safe, even if I have to kind of babysit the situation because she's unstable and he's passive as fuck.
Everything's calmed way down since I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, and we stopped talking. She got her way. She left me alone. I'm emotionally fine with just knowing that he loves me, even if we can never be together, even just in a friend way.
The out-pouring of love I've received was tremendous, I've been talking to old friends, and my cousin showing her love and concern for me was the cherry on top.~ c:
I may begin to focus again on my book, I think I'll call it "Gradient Mind", because the emotional extremes of Borderline with Bipolar that alternate with objective perspective when my emotions die down gives me a unique perspective that ultimately I hope will help teach the world something.
How was everyone's week? How is everyone?
(Also I got one comment I think from Jan? about how I get myself into these situations. I'd reply, but my post got buried. I wanted to tell you that you're right, I know I do. I'll try to be more careful from now on. But I'm okay now, for now, so not to worry.)
I honestly thought she hated me and wanted me gone and I just feel so good right now, like a weight has been lifted. Today is her mother's (my aunt's) birthday so she left to take her to see Jurassic World.
Also.... objectively looking back on the whole situation that happened Monday.... I'm not mad at K. Even though she bullied me worse than I've ever been bullied in my life. I feel bad for her.
Her boyfriend texted me the following day, explaining that the more vitriolic texts about how I'm "gross/a whore/was his mistake" were from her and how he really tried to stop her from sending them. (which is what I suspected anyways....) But I told him that I can't talk to him anymore. She burns him with a heated-up metal thing when she catches us talking anyways and I suspect she abuses him in other ways, aside from that and the obvious control tactics/manipulation.
So, I've ultimately decided to disregard my feelings for him, and his feelings for me, and let her bully me into staying away from him and all of them.
Because I fear for her safety, and I fear for his safety.
I kept his sweet lil note and remembering his mumbly little voice makes me feel warm inside.
I strongly believe now that she has Borderline Personality Disorder just like I do, when I objectively examine the entire situation. You see..... I think it's that she literally cannot emotionally tolerate his rejection of her.
When she was fucked up (I was too, but less so) the first night we hung out at Z and E's house, she kept mumbling to me, all sad, like, "Why don't boys ever like me? Why do they like you?" (really "they" is just her boyfriend, I guess, and my ex who she liked) and...... I couldn't give her a solid answer. I really think it's just those two who didn't, because she really is beautiful and clever.
That's another sign of Borderline, several isolated incidences feeling like, uh, a pattern, something that's your fault, that will continue for the rest of your life. Like if two people don't like you, if they have anything discernible in common at all, you will feel like that sort of person will never like or love you. At least until your episode is over and you've got your wits (and sense of objectivity) about you once more.
But she can't emotionally tolerate him rejecting her, especially not for me, so she went so far as to pretend to actually be him, calling me gross and whore, got my other friends to join in, and blatantly bullied me, herself. And abused him. And abused herself (cutting, that I know of, possibly other forms of self-injury in addition to that.)
So *sigh* I decided it was best to cut him loose. The whole running away with him to Pennsylvania thing was tempting, but I'm genuinely afraid for her safety. I couldn't live with her blood on my hands....... Even though she hates me. I wanted her to like me, I wanted her to love me. I still do, even though she never will now. But I'm not desperate for it. Still, I want her to stay safe, even if I have to kind of babysit the situation because she's unstable and he's passive as fuck.
Everything's calmed way down since I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, and we stopped talking. She got her way. She left me alone. I'm emotionally fine with just knowing that he loves me, even if we can never be together, even just in a friend way.
The out-pouring of love I've received was tremendous, I've been talking to old friends, and my cousin showing her love and concern for me was the cherry on top.~ c:
I may begin to focus again on my book, I think I'll call it "Gradient Mind", because the emotional extremes of Borderline with Bipolar that alternate with objective perspective when my emotions die down gives me a unique perspective that ultimately I hope will help teach the world something.
How was everyone's week? How is everyone?
(Also I got one comment I think from Jan? about how I get myself into these situations. I'd reply, but my post got buried. I wanted to tell you that you're right, I know I do. I'll try to be more careful from now on. But I'm okay now, for now, so not to worry.)
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
Despite all the odds, you've taken a positive approach to your relationship with your cousin, especially your readiness to say "Yes I do" to her "You love me too right?" question speaks volumes about your kind heart, and forgiving nature.
I'm glad I read your post this morning. You've put a smile on my face. "Peace&Love"
#LetItSnow
Reminds me of a fkd up situation where I tested out a poly couple and the first night he said, "You're gonna be the end of her and me." And it just went down hill from there. You're isn't as extreme, er, well, it's so extreme in it's own way, but not so blatantly, I guess, but I still feel like I can relate. It's super odd whenever you end up between two people -_-
Cool thing about your cousin. I only have one single friend that self mutilated. It'd be pretty fkn awesome (and terrible, of course) to have someone IN MY FAMILY that understood that!!!! Sheesh.
Anyway, glad things are turning up. I get your objectivity after the storm thinking. That clarity that occurs... You can either beat yourself up for it (I can't ever NOT do that ...) or get over it and start making amends, repairing damages, getting shit back together...
I see you have been offering to help people find counsellors on other boards - do you have special knowledge? Would you like to explain why you are sending people to the religious site, Focus on Family please?