I felt the same way when I was working. Before I actually quit working, I had to go on disability from work because I felt like killing myself. When I finally had to go back to work (because the doctor would no longer give me an excuse to stay home), I took an overdose of Xanax and almost died. The doctor finally realized how bad thing were and signed the papers for SSD. I lost everything before I got my money but I had no alternative. I couldn't work anymore. I was lucky enough to be able to more in with my parents before I got my money but things were very rough. I finally got public assistance before I got my SSD but that was not enough to live on. I wish I could do something to help you. I do know what you are going through.

Heretic, I am so sorry you feel backed in a corner and helpless and desperate.

I'm sorry if what I am about to say next comes across as a bit harsh, feel free to tell me to shut up. But I'm confused as to what you want from us? None of us here can make your life any better outside of offering online friendship. All we are is words on a screen offering caring and kindness. We have nothing else to give. None of us can make someone appear in your real life to love you, none of us can get you on disability. I don't know enough about the US disability system but others here have made suggestions. Have you been able to follow up on them? Are you laying the groundwork for disability by getting your medical team to record how suicidal you are each time you see them? Telling them your active plans? You need to be doing this, you need to be preparing for a disability application.

You say we don't understand and you want somebody to understand. Do you want everyone who is not in your situation to just STFU and ignore you? Its hurtful to have you reject us. All I hear you is wanting to be rescued by someone who loves you and will take care of you and none of us can make that happen. If I could make it happen, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't.

I am at the point where I don't know what to say to you anymore, but know that I do care. Big hugs.

I can't remember if you have tried one of the suicide prevention hotlines to talk through your feelings with a caring person. Will you give that a try?

I do sooooooooooo understand!...but it is true I am only words on a screen...AND THAT is exactly part of what I totally understand.

First let me just clarify that social security disability in the US is a horrible nightmare! It is usually a twisted catch 22. it can take months and sometimes years to actually get on it. and the catch is if you are working you will NEVER qualify. so if you have to quit your job due to MI and have no other support system you are pretty screwed. It is nothing like in Australia (or at least what I use to know about Australia's system.) So heretic I totally get it!

and I totally understand the lack of options and the horrible place you find yourself in and my heart aches for you.

please don't feel like people who are actually on disability can't understand because usually what little one receives isn't always enough to cover bills without other assistance. plus the stress and illness don't really go away even if you are not working but I understand in your situation it would help.

is there a state disability in nv that you can get on immediately? have you tried a low dose of an anti-psychotic like abilify or Seroquel? they can really help with stress and anxiety.

I wish you some peace.

Heretic, I left a couple links on your journal with mood charts that can help your doctor with medication prescribing. I don't think they realise just how bad you are as this illness is so invisible. You sound to me like you need some antidepressant help as you have been down and suicidal for so long. A change in meds might be able to lift you up a tiny bit even though it can't fix all the problems in your life.
Big hugs xoxo

Heretic,
you do NOT have to stop working to apply for SSDI.

You may have to cut back your hours some ...depends on how much you make .

What you DO NEED , is to go into the Social Security Office and talk with a case worker .

They will tell you what steps you need to take to get on disability.

Sending huge hugs to you !

I was able to collect SSDI and work 15 hours a week. You do not have to be unemployed to qualify for SSDI, you just need to establish that you are unable to work any more due to stress, bipolar, or even anxiety

Heretic: re: social security. I feel deeply sorry you are feeling so down and down on yourself. I received my social security with a help from a lawyer from community legal services. They're free. Might be worth a try for you.

I was alone, working and surviving for many years, and I'm doing it now too. I have lived hand to mouth, where a flat tire rocked my world.

Now I know you have it worse, and I wish I could help you... I can tell you, what I would do - if I was in your situation.

I would continue to go inpatient. I would go to the ER, and say "i'm going to kill myself" every time they release you, go back in...

My theory, this will give you HUGE documentation that you cannot work, this will give you instant social workers, this will give you more leads...

Also, have you went to that NAMI meeting? If not, THOSE people - KNOW WHAT is in your AREA - they know churches or groups, they know rooming house, or programs...

When stuck in new area's - without meds, or idea's - NAMI and DBSA meetings - the locals, told programs that paid LOTS of things, from electric and deposit to fuckin fixing my brakes - to go to pdoc!!!!

If I was in your position, miserable and exhausted and alone in the world (You are wrong, I have spent years there! Do you hear me? All the shit coming out of my mouth, is from learning how NOT to survive, learning how to change, its hard work.

You can barely breath - how can you work on your depression?

I would make a plan - I'd be in and out of the hospital, I'd be sitting in the Social Securty office, and Social Services! I'd find a shelter in another city, that had more programs.

You are not doomed - you are just exhausted - if you want Disability, then make a plan! If you want guidence and help, I have strings and smart idea's.

(((BIG HUG)))) I've been here a couple years now - you have to go to that meeting, you have to decide if your willing to LIE or exagerate suicide, to get a huge file of documents.

LOL, sorry - I've been wanting to shake you and say that for a long time... If I offended you, I'm sorry - I just wish I could drive you there and sit with you, I can't - but I'm willing to think for you! LOL if you want : )

Big Hugs Heretic , sorry you are feeling so bad and like you don't have many options.

I wish I had some answers for you but I don't .

However I think there are some good post here with good ideas for help and options .

I do understand how hard it is to go to work feeling so awful ! and how I could possibly make it thru another day feeling as bad as I have in the past or if this is the day I go crazy and yes I have before at work .
I don't have the answers but it is up to you to put some change in motion .
SS ,different job , different state IDK
Big Hugs and I wish you only the best and hoping for some positive change for you .

Listen to Gina she has good advice. You need a paper trail of suicidality and inability to work. You holding it all inside and soldiering on is working against you.

I'm so sorry heretic.

I do understand. I got to the point at the onset of this illness where I couldn't work. Unfortunately, I did have to lose a lot to get back to any type of normalcy. Death is not the answer though....although I think that way sometimes too. I hope that since you are reaching out here, you really don't want this to be your only option.

Definitely talk to SSD case workers ASAP. If you have documented proof that you have BP, then it will be much easier for you to get onto SSDI. Do everything you can to get through this. I may not know you really, but I do care, and I hope that you get through this as quickly as possible. Feel free to message me anytime. (((HUGS)))

I felt the exact way when I got fired from my job back in 1997. Then I was in and out of the hospital for a year. When I fianlly filed for SSDI I got it within 2-3 months of applying.

I think Gina has the right idea. Make a paper trail of sickness and hospitalizations. I think that will help you.

In the meantime, mayb antipsychotics would help. I know they have helped me tremendously. They helped the "craziness" in my mind go away.

perhaps take your chances on Portland.

Better wet than dead.

xo

and I work too.

I understand and wish toGod I could quit. I reallyb feel for you and wish I had something to say that could help.

maybe you could go inpatient for suicidality on weekends lol so you can keep your job. though that's just going to get you more impossible bills and harrassment isnt it