Hi JennS~~

Most of the time when I've been told to change it's because I'm messing up. Is this other person a co-worker, a spouse, a child? I think the nature of the relationship would have a lot to do with whether I "shaped up or shipped out."

(((Big Hug))))

Where this coming from is that my husband is drinking heavily. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I don't want to see my husband destroy himself. I went into marriage forum and most of the people there said I was the one that needed to change. That didn't make sense to me because I'm not the one with the drinking problem.

I think what they mean Jenn is that you can't change your husbands' behaviour.. it's him that has to want to change or not..
You're beating your head against a wall... You can change what you do or don't do about your living situation... or what you'll live with..
Al anon has been really helpful to those living with addiction in their families.. It can be a wonderful support if you were interested..
My first husband was an alcoholic and me leaving was the only solution for me.. as I couldn't continue to live with it..
It's tough and very painful to watch someone drown in addiction..
Big hug for you and a blessing.

Well, when it comes to substance abuse issues, my therapist has always said "shape up or ship out" (to the addict). I am kind of inclined to agree, but with all the addicts in my life it seems to be that they didn't change until they wanted to change, or until they hit rock bottom.

You need to take care of YOU!

Jenn,

I think Suncloud hit the nail on the head. We spend so much of our time trying to get others to change their behavior that we end up making ourselves miserable in the process.

As Jan said the only one who can decide to change your husbands drinking behavior is him and that's only if he wants to and is willing to do the work it takes. The change you have to make is the decision of whether or not you can wait for him to get help or not.

I am tired of that also. It is like people who I have told that I have bipolar disorder they then tell me to change all the time. Blaming me for all the problems with relationships.

Better to never tell anyone that you have a mental disorder.

If you changed - he could not stay the same, he would either get worse or better.

So, you CAN and have to change, if you want something different. There is also a huge issues, I know from experience, why are you staying with an active alcholoic when you know how bad it is?

You must play the victim role, and that suits you and him - he can blame you, and you can blame him,

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness...

Being the mother of two addicted sons and one alcoholic son, I agree with Jan. I go to Al-Anon which helps me tremendously. As soon as you detach from HIS alcoholism and begin to live your own life, you will realize what they mean by "you have to change".

The best way to do this is set boundaries for yourself and either accept that you cannot change him or get out of the situation. It isn't as easy as it sounds but it has made a world of difference for me. Alcoholism should never be an acceptable condition of your love. You did not make those choices. As long as you continue this way you do have the problem. You are making HIS problems YOURS instead of being your own person and moving past it.

Jenn, you can be who you want to be, not who you let him make you into. Just that he says those words to you says he knows his alcoholism is causing you problems and understands that you think if he quits drinking ALL your problems will be over. They are not yours to begin with.

I would suggest going to Al-Anon and reading some books about how you are affected by HIS alcoholism. There are some good books out there about setting boundaries and living your own life with or without him. xo

It's the alcoholic that needs help. Every time.Addicted people find out themselves or die from denial-related shit

Alcoholism is difficult to conquer. Some people do conquer it and others don't. My brother, one sister and my dad have conquered it. Now, just because they have conquered it that doesn't mean that they aren't addicted to chocolate or coffee or gum or something, mind you. It also does not mean that their personalities are perfect, either or that temporarily they didn't need some depression meds once in awhile. All older four have had years and years of talk therapy-even the non-alcoholics. The dry alcoholic has just licked her problem and she has had almost as much therapy as I have had.

It depends upon the status of the relationship. If the person is abusive emotionally or physically and they will not change, then you need to leave.

If they need to change and they seek help that is good.

The changes that we make for ourselves does help us to take our own responsibility and it cannot guaruntee but will at least create a healthier energy and less point or need for conflict BUT that does not mean that we need to allow others to abuse us.

It is a repetitive phenom in my own life. When I "ship out," I always seem to find it in the next port, no matter how distant or exotic that next port. When I am boxed into this corner, I at the very least need someplace else to be. I reached a place where I was tired of starting over, I started looking for solutions closer to home.

Al-anon worked for me, too. These days I travel instead of "shipping out." Travelling is mucher funner.

Hugs, Jenn. I know it is a rotten place to be. Hope ya find what works for you.

I also SWEAR by Alanon!

All the tools that helped me with the alcoholic - also help me with my bipolar....

They say go to six meetings, you don't like it and get nothing - they will refund your misery ((((BIG HUG)))) sorry I came of hard earlier - I do believe, things cannot stay the same, I can get better whether he does or not...