Try talking to a counsellor at the school you are thinking of joining, see what type of support system they have there and tell your pdoc, Dr and therapist if you see any because you will need close support from them too. I understand your situation and feel the same way I was working p/t last year but had to stop when I crashed and burned.

I want to go back to work so I'll start by doing a couple of days a week one studying in an art class designed for beepers and the other day helping beepers so I can try to give something back. At the same time I will be seeing my Dr, pdoc and a counsellor regularly to make sure I'm coping or if I need to slow down or take some time off especially as winters are my crash and burn time of the year.

Yes I need to get a therapist. I just moved so I need to look for one.

I live the same vicious cycle of having it all and losing it all. The last time I had a job was 8 years ago and I spent the last 6 months on medical leave. I've been on SSDI since. When my husband was urging me to go back to work, I did the same as vickybea and took an online class. By my second class, I was a basket case. Work was not going to be an option. I also have interstitial cystitis (painful bladder) and have run to get to the bathroom in time sometimes. Trying classes first is a GREAT first move. I also would recommend volunteer work to get your feet wet. Good luck!

Maybe try the Ticket to Work program. This way you can try and if doesn't work out then you can get back on.

There is nothing to be ashamed of being on disability. If you know your not able to perform as an employer expects you to then you are saving them time and money by not working. An example might be... No employer will constantly give days off due to missed sleep and you trying to catch up so your mania will stay at bay. If your on Ticket they may try and compensate for this but I would say the job would be a low stress and not full time.

Others can have their own opinion. You don't need to let it affect you though.

Good luck to you :)

Doorknob, I think you are in a difficult situation. You want to go back to work but fear that if you can't manage it, you will lose what financial support you have now. That would be a huge fear for anyone who has to be self reliant.

I don't believe with this disorder there is any such thing as "being ready". Even if we take very good care of ourselves, our brains decide when they will cycle and an episode occurs. Lots of "if's" and it makes it terrifying to try anything. Like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

There was a long period of time in my life I could not work because I seemed to be cycling often. I left a very good paying job in a good position. I was terrified when I thought I was ready to go back to work and I wasn't relying on outside sources for financial help. So, I cannot imagine having to make the decision you are having to make.

Because I was struggling with my disorder, I tried to find jobs that I could do on my own with a lower level of stress. I tried sales but the interaction with people caused severe anxiety. I knew I could never go back to working in an office of women or I would certainly make myself ill. The things that worked best for me were doing medical transcription for a doctors office which I was allowed to do at home, babysitting younger children, cleaning houses. My favorite was cleaning houses because I could do it mostly on my time, I could choose the people I cleaned for, and I made a lot of money. It kept me physically fit while getting me out of my own house. It also encouraged me to clean my own house.

Another thing I was eventually able to do is start my own "organizational concepts" company. It started out slow but became very friendly for my situation and I was able to do it for years. I now work doing the accounting for my husbands company (which can be very stressful) but I can again choose my own hours (which are usually evening), I don't have to go into the office, and I feel a sense of accomplishment. I still work with a few people teaching them organizational skills. I went back to cleaning houses because I can make $22 and hour, and I work at a tree farm in the winter months decorating centerpieces, wreaths etc.

I go into all this to show that you can try things but do it slowly and explore what works for you. Set your boundaries, figure out what triggers you, make sure you stay as healthy as possible and get strict with yourself. Meaning, exercise, healthy diet, supplements etc. You will find the more you can accomplish, the better you will feel about yourself.

I admire you for wanting to challenge yourself but be careful how you do it. Prepare yourself first in every way possible. Research some ways that might work for you in stepping out. And, don't see yourself as a failure when it doesn't work out. The ONLY time you fail is the last time you try.

xo

I really like Shelly4's response. I have had it all as well and then lost everything and went back to having most of what I need and having to work through hanging on to my accomplishments without being able to get back on disability. But I was able to go to school while on disability. We have a vocational rehab in my area that paid for my school and I jumped head first into a really high stress job, being a paramedic. Funny thing is, I do really well at it. I have had relapses while working and had to take off a week here or there but I have managed to hang on and even get promoted. However, I find that we are never really "ready" to go back to work because no matter how stable we get or for how long we are stable, it doesn't last. But, there is nothing wrong with being on disability, I was for 5-6 years. Going to school is a great idea so you can become qualified for a job in case you ever did lose your SSDI. You can take it slow and just see how you do. Not everyone can stay stable for long enough periods to really work because an employer is not going to put up with too many absences. But if you found you couldn't handle school, that would tell you that work might not be an option. Or, you could try the 9-month trial period for working and if you felt you couldn't do it, then quit. Anything is worth trying and I admire that you want to better your situation. Good luck.