i am not doing too good 

I have been in the ER FOUR TIMES in about a month. All because of terrible stomach pain. I got three differing opinions. 

"You need to have your gallbladder out" 2 doctors told me this. ( plus, I had a HIDA scan last year showing my gbladder not working properly)

"you are fine. Ur gallbladder is fine"

"you have scar tissue in your abdomen causing all of this"  

i have an appointment with my surgeon (who did my cancer surgeries) tomorrow   

all resulting in "go home". I did go to my primary dr. She said there was a troubling "finding" on my recent ct scan. I had appendix cancer in 2007. This finding could be due to many things, one which could be cancer. It is not troubling. I WANT to die.

i am reducing my lamictal. I started two weeks ago. I'm going slowly. Tonight I noticed a major shift. I am on a fast ride to depression. I am so tired of being broken mentally AND physically.  I've already decided that if my cancer DOES come back, there won't be a "round 2". I put myself through hell in 2007. The surgeries I had were downright barbaric, and most likely DID F*** my insides up. It won't happen again. I am not afraid. There isn't much for me in this world. No kids, relationships.  I  am tired of being alone. I went through cancer alone, I go through bipolar alone. I divorced my EXhusband in 1998 cuz he cheated on me. I STILL HATE HIM. Because of him,I suffered. ALONE. it isn't even a consolation that he and the whore he left me for are now divorced. It doesn't take any of it away.  I sometimes wonder if he would feel bad if he knew. Somehow I doubt it. I wish God would take me   

I'm not doing too well tonight.