I've recently deleted my facebook, it's been a healthy decision so far but cuts me off from easy access of communication with pretty much everyone non-family. The bulk of status updates and shit shared in the "news feed" I found to be triggering and ignorant, or.. Vapid. Empty. Depressing in some way or another.

And then those whom I respect and have fond, warm feelings for, about them- I think it's finally gotten to the point where I am too depressed and paranoid for friends. I have a very deep feeling that no one actually cares much for me, and I can't write it off as simple delusion because it feels too real to be an irrationality. But I'm also aware of how pathetic and self-pitying I'm sure that sounds, so I'm too embarrassed to really talk about it.

Another thing I'm too "down" to really get into these days is philosophy, debate. I feel like my IQ has dropped from "considerable" to "potato", ahhh. Dx

(medical scare/tmi trigger warning) I found a hard, dense mass in my left breast that I went into the ER for a couple of nights ago. The gist of the nurse's assessment was this- "It does feel cystic, however you'll have to wait a couple weeks and see if it goes away on its own before you'll be taken seriously about this". I've never had this problem before and I'm scared, so, this *really* isn't the time for my confidence and support system to be at an all-time low, but what can a person do, eh?

I told my friend Mei, she's had an array of horrifying medical issues this past year and has basically been the only person by my side in recent times. She's a lovely friend but lives many states away in the north, and with my phone wonky and facebook eliminated, it makes prompt and frequent communication difficult.

I CONSIDERED telling a few other people, but ultimately decided against it... I don't want pity friends, I don't want a flock of people talking to me only because they'd have to deal with a guilty conscious for not trying to be there for me, now that I might (or might not) have a serious problem. But also I'm not sure what to do, or where to receive help or support. I won't be in school again until October at earliest, so opportunities to interact won't really be adequate for a while. My birthday's on the 31rst, but so far I don't have any solid plans so it's not looking promising so far. But people don't always get what they want, and I guess this applies to friends as well. I'm not sure whether feeling like I should have a stronger social circle is reasonable, or just entitlement. I'm not sure whether feeling like I don't deserve it is self-pitying or taking responsibility for not doing enough. And it's all very confusing, so I try to put this all in a little corner and not dwell.