Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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I snapped at my mum because she kept yelling at me and my brain chemicals were so extremely low that I was spacey and felt close to slipping into unconsciousness. Additionally my reaction time was slowed.
And she was all "Oh so it's okay for you to argue with me when I don't wanna argue, but it's not okay for me to argue with you when-" and I just went AUWF.
Because when that happens to me (I don't know why I get such low levels of consciousness sometimes?) I become temporarily "retarded" (used as a lay term, scientifically there is no temporary retardation, but fuck science right now, this isn't about science) and she KNOWS THAT and it's not fair to pick a fight with someone who's mentally ill-equipped to battle wits with you, for whatever reason. It felt very ableist and offended me.
I can't throw vitriol back at her when I'm in a "retarded" phase from dissociating or whatever is the cause, but I still get hurt, offended, and frustrated, so I loudly babble and whine instead, which she also makes fun of, because she thinks it's irritating. She says I'm talking all childish. If I talked that way all the time would you still mock me and act like I'm being purposefully sarcastic...???
If anything usually I talk like fucking batman, with this dry, deadpan tone, and my vocabulary's pretty big I think Idk. So when I sit there and whine like in a childlike voice, SOMETHING IS WRONG. DON'T COME AFTER ME WHEN I'M SO COMPROMISED, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW I'M FRIGHTENED OF, AND SELF CONSCIOUS OF A DIFFERENT VOICE OTHER THAN MY OWN COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
It's very hurtful and ableist and she doesn't acknowledge that as a form of emotional abuse....
I almost want to record myself talking that way, but I'd be so upset to see myself talking in a way I don't recognize. Like why would I do that on purpose? What would my motives be??? Especially when I pride myself on eloquence and speaking fluidly and androgynously. Why would I want to ever talk like a baby? I cannot control it.
Honestly the only other people I've ever seen take on such a drastic change in demeanor randomly- in the form of an infantile-like manner of speaking and conducting oneself, are people I've known to have abused methamphetamines before, which I haven't done. I mention this because meth use causes structural brain alterations that can affect demeanor and thinking patterns, so there are "short circuits" (maybe?) but again, I never did meth.
And she was all "Oh so it's okay for you to argue with me when I don't wanna argue, but it's not okay for me to argue with you when-" and I just went AUWF.
Because when that happens to me (I don't know why I get such low levels of consciousness sometimes?) I become temporarily "retarded" (used as a lay term, scientifically there is no temporary retardation, but fuck science right now, this isn't about science) and she KNOWS THAT and it's not fair to pick a fight with someone who's mentally ill-equipped to battle wits with you, for whatever reason. It felt very ableist and offended me.
I can't throw vitriol back at her when I'm in a "retarded" phase from dissociating or whatever is the cause, but I still get hurt, offended, and frustrated, so I loudly babble and whine instead, which she also makes fun of, because she thinks it's irritating. She says I'm talking all childish. If I talked that way all the time would you still mock me and act like I'm being purposefully sarcastic...???
If anything usually I talk like fucking batman, with this dry, deadpan tone, and my vocabulary's pretty big I think Idk. So when I sit there and whine like in a childlike voice, SOMETHING IS WRONG. DON'T COME AFTER ME WHEN I'M SO COMPROMISED, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW I'M FRIGHTENED OF, AND SELF CONSCIOUS OF A DIFFERENT VOICE OTHER THAN MY OWN COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
It's very hurtful and ableist and she doesn't acknowledge that as a form of emotional abuse....
I almost want to record myself talking that way, but I'd be so upset to see myself talking in a way I don't recognize. Like why would I do that on purpose? What would my motives be??? Especially when I pride myself on eloquence and speaking fluidly and androgynously. Why would I want to ever talk like a baby? I cannot control it.
Honestly the only other people I've ever seen take on such a drastic change in demeanor randomly- in the form of an infantile-like manner of speaking and conducting oneself, are people I've known to have abused methamphetamines before, which I haven't done. I mention this because meth use causes structural brain alterations that can affect demeanor and thinking patterns, so there are "short circuits" (maybe?) but again, I never did meth.
tommymott
Have you discussed this in therapy or with your pdoc? I'm sure there are other triggers besides meth... I don't doubt that you and your Mum would benefit from some joint counseling.
VoltaireArcane
Not yet. I really want to do family counseling but she doesn't think she needs counseling because this is all my fault lol so uh....
Nester4U
Tell her you want her to go so you two can communicate better. it doesn't have to be about whose fault it is and maybe she can understand you better.
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