Part XVIII...In light of my recent relapse in the Philippines, it has reminded just how serious my mental illness is and how fragile my mind is. Even after all these years, if I am not on the right dose of medication, my mind plays tricks on me, and fools me, losing total insight into my condition, regardless of the years I have spent writing about it, seeking treatment, therapy and the like.

I thought I had conditioned myself long enough not to believe the hallucinations that causes my behaviour to change and create false beliefs, but I must confess when I am in this state, I am unable to distinguish what is real and what is not.

Could you imagine what it like to lose complete touch with reality?

Maybe some of you have had small doses of this, maybe when you experimented with illicit drugs, but usually you wake up after a big night thinking it was all just a major trip, and may even find it humourous. For those that think this, I'm sorry, but there is nothing funny about being in a state of psychosis, especially when you don't come out of it.

I'm now living back in Australia and my young wife has accompanied me, looking to immigrate here. I no longer fend for myself, I have a major responsibility as a husband and I owe it to my wife that I do as much as possible to remain sane and look after my mental health.

I know my limitations now with my current medications, and I pray to God that my current dosage will continue to hold me as it has done over the past few weeks. I plan to be strict with myself, and take my medications religiously. Along with this it is time that I give up the alcohol.

I no longer need alcohol in my life after using it for years as a social lubricant when I was single.

In hindsight it has done nothing but cause trouble in my life, especially for the people around me, but I simply didn't care, for I felt liberated. But I guess I have matured in a way, where honestly, I do care about what people think, I want Maria to be proud that I'm her husband, not forever worried about my unpredictability when I am drinking, and what I might say or do. The moods swings alone are bad enough.

I want to be trusted and yes I want to be respected too. Its not easy to go about life with my diagnosis especially with the stigma that is already about with mental illness. I want to be a good role model, I want to help others who may be in the same position as me, but really I can't do anything unless I lead by example, and be a good example at that.

My wife is the final missing puzzle for me to get my life straight. I will no longer be crippled by loneliness and isolation for she has promised to remain by my side, and she has already proven this to me. I owe this to her, and to my readers, to do whats right. I no longer can handle my alcohol, I know this, its time to give up the drink, hopefully next I will be able to give up cigarettes, but at this stage I still can't commit to that.

We are moving into our new home together in the Clare Valley tomorrow, a new beginning for us, this chapter is over and so is my recent relapse, changes have been made, for simply we had to, for us and for our marriage, please wish us well as we do you.

God Bless.

Ref: www.boxrep.blogspot.com