Sorry I haven't been posting. I have no energy to do anything.

Something that's been bothering me is that I have several people right now trying to be my friends on social media and they're from my queer group and super nice, and I just wish I could say, "Look, there's nothing wrong with you, it's just, conversation doesn't flow fluently between us and it's difficult to get a convo going with you and I'm really too fatigued to put any more effort into this right now," but I can't say that because it'd be a real dick move.

But ignoring people tends to make them think something's inherently wrong with them, so you have to kind of just bullshit it. l:

My health is very not-great. I feel dead inside and going through the motions seems so futile to me that I literally refuse to do anything, and it's harming myself and my for-now roomate, my mother. I'd probably be diagnosed with squalor syndrome if she didn't pick this place up, sad to say. I would just sit here and rot, and that's not who I am.

I think I have (tmi?) Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder because I've noticed that I'm almost catatonic around that time. And I've noticed there's a correlation between my brain-dead-ness (catatonia?) and feeling the sensation of being freezing-ass cold. It's almost as if my body cells are slowing down with the dips in my neurotransmitter and hormone levels, but I don't think that's actual science so much as a phenomenon I don't have a word for yet.

Also I think I found out (on accident, no less) what my "pain attacks" actually are- stomach migraines. That's the clinical definition of what happens to me, I'm 99% sure. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome could be a thing, too, though it coincides with my pain attacks.

Nothing really helps the pain and sickness anymore. Painkillers are unpredictable and only do anything about my flu-like symptoms and stomach migraines 50-60% of the time.

There's some sort-of good news, my doctor upp'd my painkillers to where I may take twice as many per month. It's nowhere near enough still, but it's more than I've ever been allowed to take before, and I'm glad he trusts me enough to do that for me, because it's definitely a start to getting better.

My mental health treatment is the same. Depakote, Wellbutrin, Gabapentin while it lasts. It's pretty lame tbh. But I believe that it reduces my chronic suicidality, if only minimally, which is a good thing. I mean, it's better than nothing.

Also I'm tired of lying to all of you. Well not really, I mean, I didn't "lie" lie, because I didn't promise to disclose what I am about to disclose. But. (TMI: minors and others who might be offended- read at your own risk) I was going up to SC to be a dancer at a nightclub. Most of the people in my life knew I'd been planning to do that for some time. But that didn't work out. Even before I got into a fight with all of my friends, none of the clubs there were hiring, and one actually got closed due to payment disputes, etc. Etc. which then turned into a raid, or some bullshit.

Anyway. Why that, of all things? Quick money, what else? Plus it'd fuel my need to be constantly stimulated by my surroundings, music, lights. Money.

I'm in a destitute situation that I desperately need out of, quick. (even though I've been at peace with this decision for almost a year.) My mother staunchly refuses to let me choose that sort of job because she thinks it's beneath me, and she refuses to put her personal bias aside so that I can gain adult independence fairly quickly, even with my myriad of physical and emotional limitations.

My scenario is in no way unique or uncommon. I've seen people go into this industry for the reasons I've stated, time and time again. It doesn't have to be a big deal. It doesn't have to feel controversial or degrading. It's a way to advance in this world, to sustain your own existence.

But to further explain- I've given up on SSI/Disability. Pretty much, I know they aren't going to give it to me. About a month ago I cut myself and my mother and aunt forcibly dragged me to the ER (under threat of being arrested if I didn't comply) to be psychologically examined, and the counselor dude told me that they will not give a person SSI or Medicaid unless you can prove that you cannot hold down a job due to your condition(s)- meaning, you tried, and you failed, many times over the years. l:

I have a friend though (well, they're a couple, but I only know one of them) who offered to take me in and try to help me get un-stuck in life, and he/they fortunately don't care what kind of work I take to get to where I need to be in life. But I'm petrified of change and I'm afraid I'll just be unsuccessful deadweight on an already-struggling young couple my age.

I'm going to speak with him about it again, soon, though. I can no longer stand to live this dead-end existence.

Anyway, now that that's all out on the table, please don't judge me for my choice of profession or be weird about it or anything. Although I'm pretty sure I can trust most of you not to do that. It really is just a job. And my ambition to enter either the field of psychiatry, pharmacology, or astrophysics someday still stands.

I'm sorry if I sound lackluster or w/e I'm just really really mentally exhausted. I can tell that my hormone levels are fucked up right now and my neurotransmitters are really, really, really low, and there's just not a quick fix around the corner to be made use of right now. It's going to take some time before I've got my wits about me again.

Also I'm losing weight and not sleeping well, so that's something else that detracts from my sharp-ness right now.

Is everything good here?

Oh, btw I might do a music thread later or tomorrow if I feel better and feel like it. o: