I have been here so many times where you are.
I do feel sorry for you. I know you don't want pity. Do you take antidepressents? I do and I don't always take them and I think that is why I get like that. Could that be a possibility with you? They really do help, I don't know why I don't think I deserve to be happy a lot too. I identified with your post. Your not alone.
I actually was JUST diagnosed with bipolar after many years of confusion as to why I feel this way. How long have you been diagnosed? It must be part of the disease...because it feels SO un normal and I have felt this way on and off many years. I hope this passes quickly for you...just keep talking..read other peoples problems too...sometimes that makes us feel a little better. Go read some of the addicted pages...addiction is hard...I have that as well. We do deserve to be happy. When you lay down tonight..think of 1 thing you can do to make YOURSELF happy tomorrow....just 1 thing...I will do the same :)

Oh Pagan!

Sorry your in the awful place...

Write about it, read about it, draw it, sing it, express it someway...

It's the only way you will recognize the territory when you find yourself there again....

(((((Hugs)))) to you my friend....

Try using negative thought-stopping techniques on those unwanted thought. That helped me deal with suicidal ideation and it works.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/positive-thinking-stopping-unwanted-thoughts

Oh, Pagan, I'm so sorry you're down and out. I'm hoping today is a better day and that a little sunshine comes your way.

Depression lies and tells us terrible things - don't believe the lies in your head. They're awful and negative and rotten and don't serve ANY purpose except to make you feel bad.

Two weeks ago, I could have written your post as my own - but with a little distress tolerance I started feeling better. Thought stopping (like Tommy said) is great for stopping a thought, looking at it, and ignoring it. Acting opposite is hard but also works as a coping technique to alleviate depression.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in that awful place, Pagan. I've been there many times. Here on DS, we're all going through very similar issues, and we understand each other, whereas the people in our RLs don't know how to "deal" with us. You're not fucked up in the way you feel about feeling bad, you're not fucked up at all..... I've been there too and I'm sure a lot of other people have too. You're definitkey not alone in this. ((Hugs))

Hugs pagan...we are both in the same place. big hugs

Pagan, I go through this too and one day I was shocked to realize I was actually feeling sorry for myself and my situation and ofc I felt the guilt for feeling this way which only compounded the problem. So what I've learned is that it's okay to feel sorry for yourself sometimes what we deal with is HARD. Let yourself just have that time to feel sorry for yourself and then say for example I'm gonna feel this way for such and such time and allow yourself that time to just feel sorry for yourself if that's what you need.

I totally agree with Jo you are NOT fucked up!! HUGS!!

I get that way too at times. We all do - we are bipolar. Take all the previous suggestions to help yourself. Seeing a therapist? It could really help a lot. A therapist might help coach you to get out of your head for at least so many hours a day. Try to go for a walk or soak in a warm tub with bubbles and salts and see if you can change your thoughts, they are just thoughts and the being kind to yourself part helps.
Be kind to yourself now you need it. Hugs to you.

Hang in there Dude!

Hey Pagan I get where you are. Sometimes I get so negative and hopeless I cant stand to be around myself. Good thing all of us here know what your going thru. We can lift each other up the best we can. Hugs to you and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

HUGSSS, I know how you feel, take good care, you will get through this.

I am so sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I totally can relate to how you are feeling. I have often felt even worse because I feel bad..it is like I hate myself for feeling the way I do and that doesn't help. Try working on having more positive thoughts and just remember we are always here for you. I don't pity you but I feel really bad for you because where you are at is a tough place to be. Hang in there and I hope things get better. Big Hugs for you.

I hear you Pagan.... I think being heard is a very important part of being supported.. as it validates you as a person with the feelings and thoughts that you do have.. and for you to know that many of us here have felt the exact same way.... when depressed it's simply not possible not to be negative.... I don't feel sorry for you... I empathise with you.. I haven't walked in your shoes... but I do have a depressed brain which is lying to me atm... telling me nonsense.... but it's nonsense that I believe.... so we are walking similar paths... and I know I can't just snap out of it so I wouldn't expect you to do the same.. so it's not about being fucked up at all

you are a good friend to many so they offer you support in return.. you are worthy of the support... that would be my biggest message to you.... you deserve and warrant that support..... we believe that one day you will reach a place where you do feel better.. and we are here holding your hand until you do

Big squishy hug for you sweetie...xo

I pretty much echo everything Ruby said (she always knows how to put something just right). You have all of my support Pagan, always. Keep reaching out here.