Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I feel as if something on the inside is dying to get out. It wants out. I feel as if I will explode with feeling. I feel so much. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes all I hear is screaming on the inside. I think about how my death would effect others. I think about how all I have left is my parents. I know they would care if I was gone. But they seem to be the only ones left. I don't have any friends left. I lost one of the only friends I had. But I barely even care that I did. Having too many people around me creates too much pressure. I don't like having too many people around me any more. I have so many personal space issues now. I can't stand when people correct me. It makes me crazy. In fact, I always feel so crazy. I feel as if i'll explode.
It's almost funny, but people that loved/love me are dropping like flies. A big bomb hit me today as my fiance two years, just could not take my emotions anymore. We don't want in inflect suffering on them, so we isolate. I have read many times and even twice today that when it's just you and the silence of the screaming inside of you, that is the moment where your heart is opening up to compassion. For yourself. This time is a good time to let the steam out of the kettle, but slowly and mindfully. It's ok to just let go. If you have to fall to the floor and scream it all out. do it. Inside that suffering, is a still small voice. It is your true identity.
our challenge in this world having this disease is to not let us define ourselves by it, but it is something we have, and i think that is where the exploding comes from. A small earthquake.
A trick...after a really freakin good cry, I mean like last week I cried for three days because my illness hurts so many. but i try to hold myself in the light of who you are, it was there when you were born. Just as the child does not remember life as a fetus, we know we were one because your mother was there.
We just forget. The world is very difficult. Staying healthy is hard in these screwed up times, Let go. Just let go. Because what we are running from is fear. Fear of death. We will all die. Look what scares you straight in the face. Make friends with it. Respect it as an emotion that does pass. Everything is always changing. That is actually the only that does not change is CHANGE.
I can see something you might not be able to see. You my sweet one are awaking to this world. You are aware. You are not a monkey minded person distracting themselves from pain through, work, consuming, tv, drugs, sex, cravings, being busy.
I feel it's kinda like this...your chest is opening up. Ouch. What is inside the chest is love. Your heart. Something that loves you is saving you. Now is the chance to make peace with uncertainty. Whatever you are holding in is like holding down vomit...when you gotta throw up you eventually stop fighting and let it come.
While you are throwing up..there are angels in the room to hold your hair. To be there, even when you can't see them. They are so happy because enlightened beings suffer before the light comes on.
After you cry hard, after you have throw up, there comes a stillness. a peace. Inside that gap is the truth. We are all one. We are never alone and that to get to 35,000 feet up above the clouds we might have to go through some freakin scary turbulence.
Martin Luther King Jr. described it this way. You are about to take a flight. It's a really bad winter storm. The plane is delayed. Suddenly they call for everyone to board. You wondering how in the hell is this airplane gonna get off the ground. Snow is everywhere. Very dark clouds are in the sky. It feels like you have lost all control. True is you have. But...as the plane backs out of the gate. as it taxis slowly to the runway, it stops, waits its turn. Inside the plane are others who are also feeling apprehensive. Fear of death is basically what it is. But you don't let that stop you, your out taxing anyway. Time to approach the runway. Slowly you feel yourself pressed against the seat as you watch with amazement and uncertainty how you can ever fly. Your turn comes. The pilot, not you, speeds up, increasing increasing faster and faster and then it lifts off the ground. You are gong higher up really fast the clouds are thick. As you enter those dark monsterous clouds the planes shakes. Up and down it is tossed but ironically it is still climbing. You are that plane. Right now you are in the dark clouds, you wonder when will this ever end. They seem to be so thick you can't imagine what is about to happen.
When you least expect it. suddenly they thin and low and behold THE SUN! It is beautiful. The sky is blue. You have reached your cruising altitude. You look down and those dark clouds are still there, but now you are in the light. There is two sides to everything. Joy cannot exist with it's opposite. Sometimes we just have to remember that when we are very low and feel out of control, somewhere there is peace. somewhere the sun shines again. It is in these moments your soul is learning and growing and when you least expect it , it goes away. Yes it can come back but everything is always changing. That is the only thing that does not change.
Enlightened beings make friends with fear. We respect it. I talk to it. I soft ask it how I can conquer it. It is there for you in way you never imagined, if you make fear your friend and even when it comes right up to your face and it's so close you think you are going to die..it gives you some advice. If you can breath like a hero in a cartoon and listen, it is completely willing to tell you what to do to battle against it.
Fear says, don't do what I tell you to do. If you know fear is going to ask you to talk to it...then respect it and see that underneath, it has compassion too. Fear is the friend that takes us on the plane when we don't want to because there is the hope of sun.
Throw flowers at your fear. Not swords. It cannot be more powerful than you because you are a soul that is awake. That is great news. Ignorance and darkness are there so we can know their opposites. Joy and peace.
The awakened ones are the ones that stop this cycle of birth and death and birth and death. Once you realize that you know, you on are the right path to joy.
The sad part is that those that line the path, that are afraid to get on it...need help. Switching our focus on them, we discover love for all beings and compassion. When you help others in your sickest times, you are helping the people on the side of the path that are afraid to walk it. You to them are brave. Strong. Flexible..how will they ever take off?
A moment will come when you stop to help someone laying facedown in the middle of your path. Fear says what if that person is faking it and it's a monster out to get me? You have to make a decision. What will happen to you if you help this person? is not the question.
The question is, what will happen to that person if you DON'T help them and they were not monsters but beings that lost their way. Your love for all that suffer is what heals you. You become powerful by letting us in your personal space.
you have given me the a gift of courage. i spent 10 minutes typing this and during that time, i felt peace. It is our love for ourselves and the world that sets us free.
pull back on that handle and climb into the light by remembering we all suffer. we all die. what will happen after that is a mystery even if we have faith. But hope is always there. So is hopelessness. let feelings pass away. like the dark clouds have as you look down at Earth and see the beautiful green of the ground. Wow. Did you know that you had this in you?
Hold an angels hand. They won't threaten your personal space. they are there , we are here, we all find hope during dark times. hope is guaranteed because everything is temporary, even the feeling of exploding.
You are softening. flying. what a joy. keep going...you nearly there!
Feel love for those that are still on the ground sleep walking through life. you are alive today. right in this very moment is the promise that suffering will cease. Wave goodbye to it knowing it will come around again and again, but now that you made friends with it, it's power is much weaker.
Blessing and strength. We are here. We are here. :) xoxo
sorry, i tend to linger and write alot. I hope this helps you.
music of hope is a magic tool. i listened this song today over and over.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luvcdrFw87s