Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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Heavy trigger warning, this discusses a sort-of suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts and sort-of not-recommended medicine use:
I haven't taken Seroquel or anything similar in a very long time.
Two nights ago I took a full 200mg Seroquel (I only ever has taken 50mg usually and would cut the stronger tablets down if I had those because it is so incredibly strong) with Xanax and Abilify. I had a fairly huge fight with my mum the night before and she brought it up all over again first thing when I got up, and it triggered the same almost sociopathic anger as before and I just....
"I'm crazy and I need to not be so I'm going to do this" and sort of took them all to try and quell things and get my brain chemicals down. The night before I sort of tried to hang myself with a phone charger.
In retrospect I'm actually not sure I thought it through, I just sort of saw it in an intense moment, grabbed it, and went for it. I was beyond control, then.
Anyhow. I took those and got gradually extremely sedated, I started eating a lot, not really because I had a 'craving' but I was scared and having breathing problems and I needed a calming, repetitive activity.
I wish it would've worked. Kept me calm as a monk for maybe a day. Yesterday I was just as volatile and screaming profanities like an uncivilized beast until my brain chemical high period exhausted itself and I became catatonic and sleepy.
But today I'm alright? What is this?
ANYWAY I started talking to a friend again like two weeks ago and we're pretty tight right now. I told him about not having insurance, that I could see my college counselor, which I always thought was pretty useless, but he says they should be certified and he sees his, and it's basically not a lot different from a normal therapist. I'm starting back early January, so I think I'll try it probably. I trust him a great deal and he's better at motivating me than most people right now.
In the meantime I'm tempted to try flood dosing for moments of psychotic break again, but maybe with the 50mgs instead?
I haven't taken Seroquel or anything similar in a very long time.
Two nights ago I took a full 200mg Seroquel (I only ever has taken 50mg usually and would cut the stronger tablets down if I had those because it is so incredibly strong) with Xanax and Abilify. I had a fairly huge fight with my mum the night before and she brought it up all over again first thing when I got up, and it triggered the same almost sociopathic anger as before and I just....
"I'm crazy and I need to not be so I'm going to do this" and sort of took them all to try and quell things and get my brain chemicals down. The night before I sort of tried to hang myself with a phone charger.
In retrospect I'm actually not sure I thought it through, I just sort of saw it in an intense moment, grabbed it, and went for it. I was beyond control, then.
Anyhow. I took those and got gradually extremely sedated, I started eating a lot, not really because I had a 'craving' but I was scared and having breathing problems and I needed a calming, repetitive activity.
I wish it would've worked. Kept me calm as a monk for maybe a day. Yesterday I was just as volatile and screaming profanities like an uncivilized beast until my brain chemical high period exhausted itself and I became catatonic and sleepy.
But today I'm alright? What is this?
ANYWAY I started talking to a friend again like two weeks ago and we're pretty tight right now. I told him about not having insurance, that I could see my college counselor, which I always thought was pretty useless, but he says they should be certified and he sees his, and it's basically not a lot different from a normal therapist. I'm starting back early January, so I think I'll try it probably. I trust him a great deal and he's better at motivating me than most people right now.
In the meantime I'm tempted to try flood dosing for moments of psychotic break again, but maybe with the 50mgs instead?
I'm not sure why I did that. One of my best friend's nicknames was 'Chocolate Monk' for a while actually. He hated it lol.
Funky monks sounds like a dance fitness programme for monks. xD They showed some monks coaching soccer on the empty streets of a newly-constructed Burmese city on Top Gear once.
I'm not sure the drug is as scary as you think - for me, last time I went inpatient, I was horrible and rapid cycling - doubling 150 to 300, changed my world...
Not taking enough of a drug - is like, not taking it at all - a waste... please make a plan, find a clinic, pdoc, for me - going inpatient, adjusted my meds in 4 days.... ((((BIG HUG))))) it sucks...
on the other side of the coin - meds that worked years, just quit working - I've been adjusting and changing meds every month since July.... still not stable.... so, you are alone!
And that's good advice but... how does it work... ?? I just... don't see it working out too well considering that when my self injurious urges come, they come hella strong and I want to do it at any cost. Reaching out to people doesn't even cross my mind in the moment l: Even though I've had lots of generous, sweet offers. From lovely friends close and far. It just feels so awkward in that moment like?? The last time I wanted to just run into somebody's arms with my problems was with one of my friends months back in the summer, and we fell out pretty bad and neither of us were super open about personal stuff to begin with.
I didn't feel particularly comforted by anyone else and that hasn't changed eghhh. What do you say though when you call or message someone with a 'crisis'? Like 'Ayy I'm sitting here with a razor blade pls help. I mean I don't want help, but I probably need it sooo.'
Just seems awks. D; Even though I'm sure I'm being recalcitrant, and petty. Ahaaa. I also have a stubborn attitude like "What are you possibly going to advise to me that I haven't thought of before?" that's 1,000 times worse when I go cold, and it's pretty obnoxious as-is lol.