I feel that way often, especially when real angry and depressed. I think it's normal for us at least. It's just our way of wanting out of the pain. I've never attempted suicide but sure have dreamed of ways to end it. If only we could take away the stress in our lives, we could take away the suicidal thoughts. And I've had way too much stress! Way too much!

oh and it's not healthy to keep thinking about it for too long. Switch your fantasy to who you really want to be and how you can get there. I just finished sobbing for the last 45 minutes and now all I can do is stay in DS trying to cope somehow.

Free, I have read your posts. I hear you totally. I walked that mile in your shoes. I was married mom of 3 older teenagers. My ex owned his own co. We were well off, should have had no worries. But I did. I could not stop being me. I did try to kill myself. Spent 10 days involuntary committal. Long story short. My kids, I hurt them so bad. Won't talk with me anymore. They said I would rather be dead then be their mom. My husband threw me out of the house and divorced me. My family won't talk to me cause "I had it all and blew it". Let me tell you. If I could do it all over again I would do it so different. I understand the pointless frustration of existing in the day to day. (Cause it isn't really living is it) I am still waiting for someday to get here. Cause someday things will be different. Hang in there! Not for your hubbie, not for your kids, not for your family keep it for just you. Cause someday will come.

Makes me cry so much Lostmyself... I feel that I am lost too.

I'm so tired and feel so guilty all the time for screwing up. And I'm so sorry you went through all this too. I've placed myself in a situation where it's almost unbearable to live because I have OCD and must have things in place. I try to not think about it, but you know how that goes. Nothing ever seems good enough. I went from having the most beautiful home ever to now having 3 homes (one vacant now, putting us more in debt) because my husband took over after me breaking down and obsessing over the finances. Now we are in a financial situation that absolutely blows my mind.

I'm on the brink of destroying my relationships due to all of this anger and depression. God I hope that I have some future of some kind of happiness. I've tried everything from acupuncture, to self-help books, church, pharmaceutical drugs, therapy and now more therapy. How can this disorder create such chaos and leave us feeling helpless?
It blows my mind.

I too, am waiting for someday. I have been in and out of a major depression for a year. It was really intense last summer, but then got better. Now, my mornings always suck because everyday is the same. I need a job. I need to be exercising regularly. I need to be a better wife. You know my best years recently? 2006 to 2008. In early 2008 I met my husband. I worked out all the time, so I was in excellent shape. I had a great, stable job. And my doc had had me stabilized for nearly 2 years. After Hurricane Ike in September of 2008, i began a downward spiral. Not to blame the Hurricane but it's just the place card, so to speak, that I use. Summer of 2009 is when I took to my bed except for going to doc appointments. As far as suicidal thoughts go, I would never do it, but I've had ideations on an off since I was a teen. My doctor knows. He's good and I trust him and what he thinks is best.

Sam, funny you mention hurricanes. I spiraled down hill after the hurricanes Francis and Jean in Florida of 2004. Haven't been the same since. I was okay during it all as people thought it was the end of times. Deep down I was probably hoping it was so I wouldn't have to deal with any more episodes of depression in the future.

I also suffered through Hurricane Katrina that hit New Orleans back in 2005 or 2006. It's as if I could feel it in my soul somehow and it bypassed Florida altogether. I knew it was gonna be bad for the people there in New Orleans.

I do think we may be sensitive to these storms as we have our own inner storms to deal with.

BTW, my best years were from 2002 to 2004 when I was working and my daughter was 3 thru 5 years old. How I wish I could go back and make it brighter after those years.