I just got back from my hearing. It is finally over and done with and out of my hands. I knew it was going to be tough, but it was much worse than I anticipated. It was BRUTAL, in fact. I had a panic attack this morning when I was supposed to be getting ready for my hearing. It took me so long to pull myself together after that that I didn't have time to shower before leaving. (The hearing was 30 minutes away from where I live.) When I arrived at the SS facility I had to wait for over an hour because the court was running behind schedule. And you could have hung meat in there, it was so cold. (I run very warm so it must have been REALLY freezing.) My attorney had another hearing directly before mine and as soon as I saw her I became a wreck. And this is our first in person meeting! What an atrocious first impression to make! From then on it was a full on assault of not being able to control my emotions. The judge didn't directly ask me very many questions at all. My lawyer asked the majority of them, and they were excruciating to answer. It was like a personal public purgation in front of strangers. (the judge, my lawyer, and the court reporter) I basically had to detail what a non-functioning loser I am. I had to try and persuade this judge that living with BD impacts my life so much that I am unable to financially support myself. Going into the details of all of the ways I am inadequate was torturous. There was a vocational specialist that participated in the hearing via telephone. He presented his testimony at the very end. His job was to tell the judge what, if any, kind of work I was capable of doing. He had studied my records, but I had never met him in person. He basically said that my symptoms would keep me from holding down even the most menial of jobs. In short, he agrees that I am a ginormous loser. Good for my case. Bad for my soul. I am finally liberated from that pressure packed situation. I finally feel calm now. Exhausted but calm. It is behind me, and I have to move forward. A little emotional recuperation is required first, but I think, I hope, I am going to be o.k.