It's been a long fifteen days. Ahhh. My life has changed more in the past two weeks than in the past 19 years.

I've been clean off opiates, narcotics, and mind-altering drugs of all kinds including psych meds (except Vistaril for sleep and panic attacks and the 4-day valium flood doses steadily leaving my system from detox) for 2 weeks.

At first it was a blessing, but it has been a living hell of debilitating pain, health problems, and unpredictable mindsets for the last 8 or 9 days.

I'm terrified to go back on psychiatric medication, even though it isn't the same as narcotics, I know... I have a phobia of taking medicine at all, now. I don't feel I was addicted to any one thing, or getting high. I was addicted to controlling and idealizing my emotional and physical feelings at all times, having perfect mind control with very little effort. "Euphoria" meaning simply, "ideal state of mind" (paraphrasing, too tired to fact check the exact definition).

I always felt my natural emotions and thoughts were typically inappropriate to the situation, so I tried to fix it through both legitimate and illegitimate medical means. But I'm sober and it is still that way now.

I have better self control from being threatened with criminal persecution if I didn't conduct myself well enough to seem compliant with doctors' ten-thirteen orders, but my mood swings are so outrageous that the experience I've gained isn't helping my current situation worth a damn.

Everyone's telling me it will get better as my mind and body re-adjusts to its natural state, but... It's going to take some time. I have to figure something out, though. I feel psychiatric institutions aren't the answer because controlling myself in a controlled environment is pretty easy for me now, it's the real world I cannot deal with. Even if I'm not the one in control, I've found that if the environment is controlled, I feel okay because I am clear on what I am to do.

I also am reluctant to consider medication as my solution because man made chemicals personally ruined my life and my ability to be responsible while also being caring and genuinely kind, and trial-and-error takes time to be successful, IF it somehow works for you at all.

I'm terrified if I take mind-altering drugs, I won't be able to keep things in perspective and stay genuine and focused... Psych meds have also never personally worked for me before. Is there anything anyone would like to suggest?

The best option right now seems like Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, but I'm not too sure of anything. I'm skeptical of any decision I personally make because I'm awkwardly trying to find my ability to thoroughly and logically think something through without missing the obvious by over-thinking myself, or over-thinking myself straight into a ditch.

(Also, I wasn't able to recognize that I ever had a "pill problem" because I felt I was taking very minimal amounts, so I didn't see it as a problem until I saw the difference being sober made)

Sorry for the many hiatuses. I was a very confused and confusing person for a very long time. I love you all, I hope the best for this community and the welfare of its up-keepers, readers, and contributors. I'm trying to do things more simply, but the real world outside of my personal introvert bubble is quite intricate with all the innumerable factors, so I'm having a rotten time of it.

All I know for certain is I cannot look back on my old life.... I was in denial about reality. As much as I was intelligent I wasn't wise, now I'm feeling overwhelmed.