Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I'm sitting in front of my Day Light therapy light, online, looking at a plastic surgeon's website and going through all the procedures. I'd do breast implants, body lift, face lift, and rhinoplasty... maybe they could make my butt look less unattractive. The sad thing is, I am considered attractive, beautiful, I've gotten gorgeous before... but when I look in the mirror I see all the many faults. I even go as far as to feel ashamed of my body.
I've been depressed lately, no goals or ambitions, no drive. I have talents and yet I am depressed and stuck and lost. I'm "fine" but I'm freaking out. I'm not good enough. I'm eating junk and eating more. I had like 8 big marshmallows and two buttery cookies at like 1am last night.
I went to a photography class last night, they had the back drop set up with all the different lights and ladders, it's pretty cool. I was in some of the pics. I wore high wasted skinny jeans, a button of collared shirt with holes in it, and a lime tank top on. My teacher wanted me to take off the shirt underneath, one of my classmates positioned my arms so that they were crossed so I'd have cleavage, it was semi-fun. But kinda weird.. all the pictures came out blurry so it was a waste. I thought my body looked great in all these pictures (probably due to the pants) but my face.. ugh. I have big round features.... I said ugh I wish my face was skinnier, I have a fat face. Everybody kept saying how gorgeous and beautiful I looked, "like a model" my teacher said. But I see none of this.
The photo shoot made me depressed. Also I had a life talk with my friend Bryan. He said I don't believe in myself. He gave me all these life lessons words of wisdom and see here this is what you can do, it's easy if you just believe. Well guess what? I don't. And now I feel like all my dreams and hopes and desires are lost in the distance and I have no hope of finding them or achieving anything.
I just moved in the basement of my parents house. My shit is everywhere, it's a mess. There's not enough room for my clothes. I'm not giving them away.
I'm in two plays, and i am not memorizing my lines because it's too daunting. I feel so overwhelmed.
Anyway, I am literally sitting in the basement, in my room in the darkness because only one dinky light works. I should get out of this depressing cave. I feel depressed anywhere else though. Depressed and insecure. Yet I have so much, I have so much going for me, talent, potential, everything. Yet nope, I got nothin', Plus I've got the weight of bipolar disorder. Weighing me down right now.
I've been depressed lately, no goals or ambitions, no drive. I have talents and yet I am depressed and stuck and lost. I'm "fine" but I'm freaking out. I'm not good enough. I'm eating junk and eating more. I had like 8 big marshmallows and two buttery cookies at like 1am last night.
I went to a photography class last night, they had the back drop set up with all the different lights and ladders, it's pretty cool. I was in some of the pics. I wore high wasted skinny jeans, a button of collared shirt with holes in it, and a lime tank top on. My teacher wanted me to take off the shirt underneath, one of my classmates positioned my arms so that they were crossed so I'd have cleavage, it was semi-fun. But kinda weird.. all the pictures came out blurry so it was a waste. I thought my body looked great in all these pictures (probably due to the pants) but my face.. ugh. I have big round features.... I said ugh I wish my face was skinnier, I have a fat face. Everybody kept saying how gorgeous and beautiful I looked, "like a model" my teacher said. But I see none of this.
The photo shoot made me depressed. Also I had a life talk with my friend Bryan. He said I don't believe in myself. He gave me all these life lessons words of wisdom and see here this is what you can do, it's easy if you just believe. Well guess what? I don't. And now I feel like all my dreams and hopes and desires are lost in the distance and I have no hope of finding them or achieving anything.
I just moved in the basement of my parents house. My shit is everywhere, it's a mess. There's not enough room for my clothes. I'm not giving them away.
I'm in two plays, and i am not memorizing my lines because it's too daunting. I feel so overwhelmed.
Anyway, I am literally sitting in the basement, in my room in the darkness because only one dinky light works. I should get out of this depressing cave. I feel depressed anywhere else though. Depressed and insecure. Yet I have so much, I have so much going for me, talent, potential, everything. Yet nope, I got nothin', Plus I've got the weight of bipolar disorder. Weighing me down right now.
You sound like the compulsion to hate on yourself is stronger than anything else right now. Why do you think that is?
Your teacher and classmates affirmed your beauty, your friend Brian offered you words of support and wisdom and you acknowledge that you have many blessings -- talent, potential, etc. Why don't you get out of your own way so you can flourish?
I know how frustrating it is to know on some level what needs to happen but be so unmotivated that you can't take that first step. I get impatient and want to fix everything all at once. But I've learned to break it down and tackle one piece of the puzzle at a time.
Put the weight of bipolar disorder on the shelf, so to speak, for a while. It will always be there if you need it so you can pick it back up and let it weigh you down another day.
Is bipolar getting in your way of learning your lines? Do you have trouble memorizing? If not, try memorizing a page or two at a time -- something completely manageable.
Start small with organizing your space too. Just pick a corner and a box or two and work on organizing that. Making progress in this area will help you get your equilibrium back.
Hang in there, grenadine!
I suppose you should look into seeing if you have body dysmorphia and start getting treatment for that, if you do.
I'm going to take a wild guess that you probably have a few really bad skeletons kicking around in your closet, from when you were little.
Get into therapy if you haven't already, if such is the case.
I didn't like how I looked when I was your age (and I got that 'gorgeous' shit, too), but I was nowhere near as focused on certain things the way you are. Which is why I think you need to rule out dysmorphia.
But pretty much all the rest of what you've said!!? (Raises hand) That could have been me. (Well, that and I didn't act.)
MOST of all that shit, in my case, was from years of sexual abuse. And the longer you don't get help for it, the worse it gets. So if you had that or ANY kind of 'misery' while you were growing up, try therapy. You will not believe how different your life will feel once you work through and baggage you're dragging around.
If everything was peachy keen growing up, then maybe what you're feeling is all from your chems.
Either way, some kind of help is needed.
I don't know if this will make you one iota better, but 'round' is GOOD!!!!
People are genetically predisposed to like 'round'!!!!
That's why babies are so round!! Little round head and two big round eyes!!! And puppies and kittens, too!!!
We respond more favorably to roundness, which makes it much more likely that we will give the young creatures the care that they need.
(And I'm not making this shit up, either. Go Googling!! I'm sure it's out there somewhere!!!)
Yep. I think you need to go get professional help of some kind or another.
I don't know much about body dysmorphia, but I myself have had the experience of getting rid of a lot of all that other shit you are feeling, through therapy. I went from suicidal to feeling peace and contentment within the space of a year.
Good luck!! I hope you fine your way out of your unhappiness!!! (((((Hugs)))))
CarlaBent, you are right. I have a sick alcoholic abusive father, verbally abusive step father, been raped 3 times and I've had a lot of other bad encouters with men as well. I am in therapy, I just feel like I'm not there enough, like that should be my #1 priority. I'm seeing her tomorrow, second week in a row.. I asked to see her more, but it's expensive each time so I can't afford to go often. I need to see her every other day for a month. Or something like that.
I still feel in a rut, but I randomly smoked resin out of my old bowl from like 3 years ago and played some amazing guitar, so that helped my spirits a bit, but then I acted weird around my family...
Thanks for bringing up some things that were important for me to hear.
And if you give this therapist a couple of months and don't think that it's helping you at all, consider going to a different therapist.
The wrong one will afford little, if any, improvement and might even make things worse.
You'll know when you get the right one!!!!
Good luck to you!!!! You shouldn't have to carry all that crap all the time!!! (((((Hugs)))))