Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
so lately i've been doing pretty good - working out fairly regularly (save these last five or so days) and feeling better about myself...but right now i feel so shitty. was just at my parents house for dinner, it was nice. i have a one bedroom apt that i will no longer be able to afford in a couple months as i will run out of money and have not been looking for a job. getting ready to, but, of course have yet to actually do so.
so my mom asks me if i've been looking for jobs, a taboo subject normally but they gotta be curious cuz we don't talk about it and i'd be moving in with them, which they would want to know ahead of time i guess. i say no, she says that it would be in everyone's best interest if i look as much as possible before i run out of cash. basically what she was saying was that they really don't want me moving back in. a totally innocuous thing to say.
but for some reason i fly off the handle and tell her, 'what a stupid fucking thing to say. seriously what is wrong with you to say something like that. no shit.'
she calmly says she was just saying, etc, i interrupt and tell her that she has a particular talent for stating the obvious and that i have no tolerance for that, i mean what am i fucking retarded? she says she was just trying to encourage me, i say 'good job.'
now you should know she is one of the nicest people on earth and i owe her and my dad everything (he was sitting there too, not participating in this exchange). she is a bit naive and definitely not socially adept, but i am so pissed at myself for saying something so mean. she was actually not stating the obvious, she was just making it known that they don't want me to move back in. they will have me of course, but ideally, yada yada.
now i haven't shut down as much recently as i used to (ie just sleep, eat and feel massively depressed for days at a time). over the weekend i was pretty useless but that was a very mild and short semi-shut down.
but i have nowhere to be tomorrow or at any point until fri night and i feel so awful about being so disrespectful to my mom that it's like the perfect excuse to stop caring for a while before my spirits lift again.
i apologized to her a few minutes later as i was leaving, thought about it the whole way home, just sent her an apology email (figured that might be better than a phone call) but i still feel so shitty about it - i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. FUCK.
i really need to wake up early tomorrow and get shit done, but how can i when with the way i feel right now? i have literally one friend and no one to talk to about this so, i don't know, just throwing it out there.
so my mom asks me if i've been looking for jobs, a taboo subject normally but they gotta be curious cuz we don't talk about it and i'd be moving in with them, which they would want to know ahead of time i guess. i say no, she says that it would be in everyone's best interest if i look as much as possible before i run out of cash. basically what she was saying was that they really don't want me moving back in. a totally innocuous thing to say.
but for some reason i fly off the handle and tell her, 'what a stupid fucking thing to say. seriously what is wrong with you to say something like that. no shit.'
she calmly says she was just saying, etc, i interrupt and tell her that she has a particular talent for stating the obvious and that i have no tolerance for that, i mean what am i fucking retarded? she says she was just trying to encourage me, i say 'good job.'
now you should know she is one of the nicest people on earth and i owe her and my dad everything (he was sitting there too, not participating in this exchange). she is a bit naive and definitely not socially adept, but i am so pissed at myself for saying something so mean. she was actually not stating the obvious, she was just making it known that they don't want me to move back in. they will have me of course, but ideally, yada yada.
now i haven't shut down as much recently as i used to (ie just sleep, eat and feel massively depressed for days at a time). over the weekend i was pretty useless but that was a very mild and short semi-shut down.
but i have nowhere to be tomorrow or at any point until fri night and i feel so awful about being so disrespectful to my mom that it's like the perfect excuse to stop caring for a while before my spirits lift again.
i apologized to her a few minutes later as i was leaving, thought about it the whole way home, just sent her an apology email (figured that might be better than a phone call) but i still feel so shitty about it - i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. FUCK.
i really need to wake up early tomorrow and get shit done, but how can i when with the way i feel right now? i have literally one friend and no one to talk to about this so, i don't know, just throwing it out there.
deleted_user
I know how you feel. I have done this many times and I didn't want to do it I just did. I have said awful things that I wish I could take back. The hurtful things that have come out of my mouth in the past are not even something that I would want to repeat when I have snapped and went into a fit of rage. I am not proud of it but when I was a teenager and I was not diagnosed or treated for my mental health I went of on my Mom one day and I hit her.I felt so awful not to mention that my brother found out about it and draped me up against the wall out of anger like he was going to kill me!I am never physically violent now that I am an adult and that I went to therapy but every now and then I do get really angry and I feel like I am spinning out of control. I know that when I start to feel that way that I have to use my coping skills and check myself into treatment if I feel like I need to. You will be ok it sounds like you are just having a period in your life when you are angry because you are losing your freedom, control and independence and it makes you feel miserable. Your Mom is not necessarily the problem she just happens to have been there at the wrong time when you snapped. It can happen to anyone. Not working is making you depressed and making you feel bad and incompetent you aren't you just feel like you are. I understand that feeling well. I haven't worked since 2004. When I use to work there were times that I couldn't keep a job because I was sick. I was never fired I would quit my jobs on a whim then I would feel like a failure and get depressed and each time I got a new job and lost it I would feel even worse than before. I would think and feel alot of pressure to perform with perfection and to hold on to my job that I would crack and not be able to work. I found out later that I had mental illness. It was awful because my family would rip into me about it and get on my back making matters worse. They would tell me things like I was a quiter and that I was spoiled and lazy.It isn't true of course but thats what they thought they didn't think that I was sick.I hate to bring this up but maybe you should apply for Disability if you think your illness interferes with your ability to work. I know we don't like to think of ourselves as Disabled but some times we have to accept that we need financial support.
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