Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Not sure but it appears the end of my month long happy spell may be ending. Don't know if the volume knob just got cranked down a good bit or what. Not at 10/11 today, more like 2/11 (11 get it?) Again I got triggered pretty easily this morning and should not have allowed myself to get mad like that. But it always happens so fast. Of course it does. It always does and I have to be able to put a cap on that crap real fast. I just can't for whatever reason.
It wasn't nearly as bad as that last one and it would be hard to top that one anyway it was such an awful display of my worst side. I don't hurt anyone nor do I intend to, and I don't break shit or throw stuff around. No I really just go off verbally like a mad man pissed off and not holding back much to express it verbally if you catch my drift. I'm not a huge dude but I'm 6 ft and 240 lbs and former military police so it's probably not the best site for others to see when I get that way. I wouldn't want to be in the same house with myself if I had to witness that display.
I've been doing it since at least around 15, maybe earlier but that's just my first real memory of it. I can't even talk about it anymore right now I'm so ashamed of it. WTF is wrong with me? Why am I such a total asshole like that?
So anyway, I ended up taking 1500 mg Oxcarbazepine by 9:30 a.m. That's a lot even for me. I took the first 900 mg at 5:30 plus 300 and 300 as the morning went on and was catatonic by 10:30 and then the other 300 about an hour ago when I got mad again. WTF?
Looking back now the last few day the signs were there but they always are. I'm just so down now. Maybe I should just drive myself to the hospital next time as soon as it starts spewing out of my mouth. I probably should have done that many, many times really. Might just do that next time and see what happens. But I guess I can't with the COVID resurgence. It's not pretty in my area right now for the unvaccinated. But I guess that's to be expected eventually. I'll stop going down that road right now so I don't offend anyone.
Probably have to ask my wife to go pick up the girls from school. It's a very short drive but I should be cautious with all that Oxcarb I took.
But listen I don't have it anywhere close to a lot you, my bipolar brothers and sisters. Don't let me get you down. I just needed to vent.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I hope that tomorrow is a better day.... xo
Yeah I need to take another AM course again. It's time to start taking this issue on head-on with some real help. Thanks for helping me open my eyes again.
As soon as I picked up my girls from school yesterday, my day was all right again. They're so wonderful.
Hopefully today will be better. I'll be on high-alert for the next incident for awhile now anyway.
This sounds surprisingly like my cycle which comes with embarrassing childish outbursts bordering on tantrums. I just try to stay honest when it happens, like saying "I'm mad at you and I can't figure out why" instead of "you're a stupid @#$%". Goes over much better :-) and buys time for figuring out the why, which is usually something pretty ridiculous and I can come off it once it's verbalized in my head. Can't always catch them, but that's kind of our lot.
I had a good day yesterday but I'm down again this morning. I had an incredibly sad dream and woke up crying at 4:30. Outside of mini-nervous breakdown I had as a teen, that's never happened before.
But I had a moment yesterday where I almost started crying in front of my wife and kids in the minivan. It just came out of the blue and I actually did start but I was able to pull it back in somehow.
So this morning I took 900 mg of oxcarbazepine at 4:30. It's helping but I'm going to take another 300 in a minute and maybe more soon if I still feel so emotional.
I had such a good run the last month+. It always ends eventually. I guess at least I really got to enjoy this one and made the best out of it as long as it lasted. I hadn't had one this nice in years. The pramipexole was really messing with me badly, and I guess the switch to ropinirole just kicked me into hypomania kinda like the zoloft did back in 2015. That was the most amazing ride too. Sucks we can't have something even close to that last. This sucks so bad.
The point being, there are many things you can do and learn to get your anger under control. Its not a permanent behavior and it doesn't mean your a bad person. If you have a Therapist, I'd talk with them about learning some coping skills for dealing with it. Your aware of your triggers so that's a major step in the right direction. If you don't have a Therapist, perhaps it's time to get one.
As for the Trileptal, it's not meant to be taken PRN, add on a little more, then a little more....up to 1500mg that's Overdose range when you're not used to taking that amount everyday. And anti-seizure meds can kill you pretty quick when you go over a certain limit. So in the future, please keep that in mind...angry or not I think everyone in your life would still rather have you here on the planet with them.
I get the sucky, screwed up, bad day crash....you can read my last Journal and it will explain that I really do get it. But even on those days.....doing things that might get you dead aren't a great idea.
I'm glad you're feeling better today. Stay safe and really consider the Therapist and the things they can teach you in regards to managing those bad times when they hit.
Take care,
Kat
The Trileptal is done with my pdoc's consent. I began taking it a few years ago at the max 2400 mg/day (1200 x 2) and I tolerate it extremely well. It's way less harsh than its predecessor carbazepine. I don't know why anyone is still on that when they can try oxcarbazepine now. Yes, taking it as-needed is not ideal, but it's allowed me to figure out what a consistent daily dosage is best for me. I know that it is possible to go all the way up to 4800 mg/day (2400 x 2) in extreme circumstances but I'll never try that high. I'm settling in at around 1800/day with a max of 2100. But I may be an exception and have flexibility that most others just do not have with their meds unfortunately.
I like having that flexibility right now esp because I just switched off pramipexole to ropinirole for my RLS. I now realize the prami was doing bad things to me and really skewing the true nature of my BD. So it's going to take some time to re-learn what my actual baseline should be. It's really depressing to think about how much more stable I could have been the last 15 years if not for the prami messing with me so much.
I'm might journal about that later if I have time. But I'm starting a BD support group in my area and trying to kick it off next week so that's taking up some of my time right now. Harder to keep that motivation going but it's so needed here it will be worth everything.
Nice to hear from someone who really gets what I'm talking about, Kat. You are very knowledgeable and you can help a lot of people here.
Thanks again for your input.