Bipolar Disorder Support Group
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Part XI (b) Its been a couple of days since I wrote "Gone fishing" on the board.
At the beginning of this year I reduced my medication of fluanxol from 30mg to 20mg every 3 weeks. It has been just over 3 months now since I have done this.
I have just had my first sign that it may not be holding me as much as I would like. At the beginning of this week I drank a half a bottle of tequila and in the coming days I began to hear voices, and began succumbing to them again, believing the voices to be real.
This upset my future wife for I told her that I believed it was people's spirit talking to me and that God had given me this gift. She was scared and didn't know what to do, but went along with my wishes anyway. I bought the bible and as instructed by my voices began reading certain chapters, and I wanted God to heal me and ward off any bad spirits and I thought by reciting various verses this would indeed happen.
I realized soon that Maria nor I could not handle what was going on. and in front of Maria, since two weeks from my last injection I decided to inject myself with 10mg of flupenthixol. A couple of days has since past and the voices has stopped, and I have come to my normal sense of perception and realize now that I was on my way to another episode.
In one form I am happy that the medication worked. I am in a foreign country and I would hate to lose insight into my condition, however, part of me is upset that the voices weren't real and are what psychiatrists deem to be "auditory hallucinations", which is quite common for someone to experience who suffers from schizophrenia.
Its proof that I will probably always have this mental illness, and I will forever be on this recovery journey always watching myself and self managing. I guess I am just grateful that I have found the right medication for me and my last episode was nipped at the bud, before any real harm had been done.
I try not to blame myself, but its so hard not to, and I feel that I am sorry for having this illness. Its not just me that it affects when I'm in an episode, my behaviour whilst symptomatic affects others also, and now that I have Maria in my life I promise I shall be more careful in the future.
It proves to me how serious having a mental illness is, and even myself who I deem to be a reasonably intelligent person when well, can still be fooled by it.
Ref: www.boxrep.blogspot.com
At the beginning of this year I reduced my medication of fluanxol from 30mg to 20mg every 3 weeks. It has been just over 3 months now since I have done this.
I have just had my first sign that it may not be holding me as much as I would like. At the beginning of this week I drank a half a bottle of tequila and in the coming days I began to hear voices, and began succumbing to them again, believing the voices to be real.
This upset my future wife for I told her that I believed it was people's spirit talking to me and that God had given me this gift. She was scared and didn't know what to do, but went along with my wishes anyway. I bought the bible and as instructed by my voices began reading certain chapters, and I wanted God to heal me and ward off any bad spirits and I thought by reciting various verses this would indeed happen.
I realized soon that Maria nor I could not handle what was going on. and in front of Maria, since two weeks from my last injection I decided to inject myself with 10mg of flupenthixol. A couple of days has since past and the voices has stopped, and I have come to my normal sense of perception and realize now that I was on my way to another episode.
In one form I am happy that the medication worked. I am in a foreign country and I would hate to lose insight into my condition, however, part of me is upset that the voices weren't real and are what psychiatrists deem to be "auditory hallucinations", which is quite common for someone to experience who suffers from schizophrenia.
Its proof that I will probably always have this mental illness, and I will forever be on this recovery journey always watching myself and self managing. I guess I am just grateful that I have found the right medication for me and my last episode was nipped at the bud, before any real harm had been done.
I try not to blame myself, but its so hard not to, and I feel that I am sorry for having this illness. Its not just me that it affects when I'm in an episode, my behaviour whilst symptomatic affects others also, and now that I have Maria in my life I promise I shall be more careful in the future.
It proves to me how serious having a mental illness is, and even myself who I deem to be a reasonably intelligent person when well, can still be fooled by it.
Ref: www.boxrep.blogspot.com
I've very happy you and Maria are together again and your life is going so well.
If you want things to continue to go your way, you MUST take your meds. I speak from experience, boxy. I went through the whole, "I'm well now and I don't need meds anymore." It's all great at first, until it's not. You have gone through it quite a few times, too.
Recently, I made a contract with myself to take suicide completely off the table as a solution to anything. Please, think about signing a contract with yourself that you will not change or stop your meds without your doctors help. The contract is real and it stops me from doing anything impulsively. Also, don't you think Maria deserves some input in the decision? It's her life, too.
You are right that this is the rest of our lives. You know, everyone has some chronic condition, ours just happens to be mental illness. Treat it and accept it as chronic and I think you will find some peace in the accepting.
I am always wishing the very best for you, boxy. I can picture you and Maria living a life of Happily Ever After.