I think it's been about a week since I cut D off from communicating with me entirely, after K told me to fuck off the night before. I explained to him that I just...... didn't want to deal with it anymore.

Honestly I'm kind of tempted to text D one more time just to explain that, "Hey, I don't hate you, and you can always call me if it's important."

But it'd hurt K and really piss her off no matter how innocent my motives. I will never be pure again in her eyes.

Am I a sociopath? She thinks I am. Should I seek this diagnosis? Even I'm not completely sure of my own, real motives. I don't have a core, so to speak, a soul, just layers upon layers of dysfunction and fuckery.

I feel remorse for what I did to K but not..... ehhhh, the full extent of remorse she'd be satisfied with, because when D came around the second time it wasn't of a sexual rendezvous nature. It was only to comfort me. That's all I wanted. All we wanted.

But fuck, man, I can hardly function without K's friendship.

I mean I'm "better" in that I'm not crying or having panic attacks about it anymore but I feel so hollow. The way D said he feels without me. I worry about him and miss him, but it's her that I truly feel lonely without.

She isn't the person I thought she was, but that doesn't stop me from missing our long-ass conversations. She felt like my twin, my platonic other half.

And very quickly my life came to revolve around her, she was my sun, my security blanket. Basically my everything, even though we were only friends.

D and I had an instant bond that wasn't sapiosexual (intelligence-based attraction, as my crushes typically are) in nature that I can't quite explain,

But K and I's friendship was easily explainable. She's extremely intelligent and we are very similar.

I lost 5 people to this, Z and E, D and K, and Jordan as well, even though are friendship was collapsing because she called me feminist scum, I could forgive her for that by now but I think she knows about what happened and is disgusted with me, because she seemed extra angry with me when I posted in our group chat, she told me to get the fuck out.

Again though. The one I miss the most is K. I don't think I'll ever get her friendship back.

I feel like I'm still being punished even though I'm doing everything that was demanded of me, but she told me it goes back to my sense of entitlement. I know I'm not entitled to shit, but I just want all my friendships back................ I'm isolated even more than I was before all this, and it's not that I don't deserve that- No one deserves that- exclusion, total isolation.

I have a lot to say to D and also to K but am refraining from talking to both of them to keep the peace, to keep D from getting burned with the metal thing (and yelled at) and to keep K from being overwhelmed with anxiety and hurt.

I'm being a true friend, now, I'm doing all of this for her and not profiting at all. I'm gaining nothing by refraining from speaking to them, I'm winning their private peace that I am not a part of.

But it hurts to be without her friendship. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like her. /: