i have been writing about the death of Brad all because little ole me doesnt want anyone to go through this private hell that I am experiencing.It was such a trauma.And now I am just being to go out and do things.I didnt know that Brad was depressed.In fact...at the time of his death...he told me to leave because he wanted the house all by himself.He didnt want me there no more and he told me so on various occassions.But when he got drunk...I took care of him and being the idiot that I am I tried to nurse him back to health.Brad changed in two months. The personality change I cant explain.He told me to buy all of the food and put me in charge of the money something that he never did.I am the one who pays the rent and such.He gives me his share.Brad didnt have a saving account or such.He had a debit card and he was spending money like Donald Trump.He hit me in the face because i asked him where all of this money was coming from.I have got a right to know.If Brad was in anything illegal...it looks bad on me because I dont know anything.And I dont.He just came home with the 900.00 tv,had the tv for 3 days and then he took it back....I was up for 4 days straight trying to get Brad sober.He didnt want to go to a hospital..he wanted to be at home with the cats.He loved this house and so do I.But he was physically,mentally and such abusing me and I had no place to go.I had the cats and i was concerned with there safety.Noone knew.I told noone.I went out for coffee everyday and read the paper and did the food shopping..but that was it.On May 21st...Brad was up and he was throwing up blood...he was screaming in pain and he asked me for a knife and I told him no.He had to stop his drinking.Brad had the dts and he has done this before hundreds of time.But these dts were severe.He started to call me Phoebe and tell me of a soccer game that his sister was playing in.He started to tell me that he was going to middle school in Yakima and told me of his teachers.Then he cried.He described to me certain things that happened in the locker room that I can repeat.The description was like something out of Geraldo Rivera.I threw up.Then I started to cry.I realized.Brad,my Brad was dying.He was DYING AND I COULDNT DO ANYTHING.BRAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME THIS....''I will always love.You are the best thing that ever happened to me.Please dont forget it.Do me a favor.Take care of the house.dont leave and I am so sorry for all of the pain that I have caused you."Those were his last words.Brad asked me to run the water for a bath and to stay with him.I stayed with him up until 4 0 clock in the morning.His colour was getting pasty and he told me at 4 o clock..."Honey go to bed.You have been up for 3 days.rest.If anything happens...my wallet is in the drawer.I love you honey..dont forget me." I went to bed.I crashed on it.It was Brads bed.It was near the bathroom.I crashed.I blacked out.I was exhausted.Then i heard Tooey screaming.On 5/22/09 I awoke at 6.30 and when I did...i smelled death.When i awoke...there was blood all over the bed and on the floor.I followed the blood and I felt cold.The back door was opened.Brad on lying down on the grass.He was nude.Next to Brad was the knife that was given to me as a gift....he had slit his wrists.and I screamed.I asked Jesus Christ (something that I have never done) I am a Catholic to forgive me.I asked everyone who i have yelled at and screamed at and been a ..............h to forgive me and I asked for forgiveness.Then I held Brad in my arms for the last time.I cried.i released my Brad and Then I called the seattle police.Monday I am going to a seminar on jobs...I am bringing my resume.I have to go back to work.I cant leave this house.I promised Brad that I wouldnt leave this house and i cant.I have no place to go.All i have now are my cats and I think of all of the times that I screamed at Brad to get sober....I cried.Guys...let me say this...a drinking problems is a problem.And it affects everyone and everything.Brad has lost jobs.He has lost a house.He had a good job which he lost.Culprit.he couldnt stop his whiskey,beer and vodka.Alcohol is the devils brew...the late Carrie Nation said.We must realize this fact.We must have Prohibition again and save our youth.Lets ban all alcohol at games and such.Lets save lives...I dont want anyone and I mean anyone having to see their spouse on the grass with slit wrists.Brad expired at 6.30 so the police told me.It was a suicide and it is closed.How many more lives is alcohol and crack going to take? How many more immoral people who love money so much that sell this crack to people like Brad only to contribute to a death? Cant we ban alcohol and this will solve all of our problems.And I will never fall in love again.It is over.I am 61.I have had 3 loves.Brad was the last one and all of my 3 loves did not last...and Brad will always be number one in my book because during these 14 years we had fun and stuff and he taught me a lot and I wish that I could have saved him.And to all the 12 th step is asking for forgiveness.i am seeing my social worker on Monday..I have to ask for forgivneness and remember sometimes my mouth runs too much but if you work in Brooklyn...we dont take b;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;t.we try to be direct and I am learning not to offend any more people.vader.