Well here I am again for the second night in a row and can't sleep. Was okay last night as I got some work done on the paper I'm writing. But I just can't seem to get myself started tonight. Today started, i guess that's yesterday started, with me having to get up half an hour before I went to bed. Come on that's funny, any Monty Python Fans? Any how no I didn't sleep last night and had a crazy day at work and now I'm still wide awake but unfocused. Can't seem to get any work done tonight my mind is jumping around. Today I was really wired going from cube to cube talking to this person and that about various projects and random shit, I just couldn't shut up. They probably think I'm a bat case. But then most of them have known me for 20 years so they already know I'm a nut job. Only my manager knows I am BP and now I regret telling him. I only told him cause last year I got a really crapy review and I tried to explain that I had depression and that led to explaining that I was bipolar. People don't have a clue. So bad idea about telling him. I worked at home alot last year and he didn't like that very much. I should have just taken sick days and then it possibly wouldn't have been an issue but that's too many sick days and besides I was doing my best to do my job. It really makes me mad cause what is the difference of sitting at home in front of my computer verses being in a cube at the office in front of that same computer. I'm getting all pissed off all over again! After this is when I decided that if you haven't had depression you have no idea how debilitating it is or even what it is. Well then I guess if you take a look at my work you can see it is rather lacking because when I'm depressed I'm stupid. Can't remember shit or concentrate on a theory or idea. Simple things are even over my head. It took a year of trying different meds and finally the depression lifted ever so slowly. So now my greatest fear has went from mania to depression. But the year before that I had to go to Europe for a month and I was under a lot of stress and got really manic and did a lot of crazy things including charging up good times on my corporate credit card up to a tune of $12,000. Hey everybody had a good time, especially me. I got a week off with out pay for that, man I thought they were going to fire me, whew. I had an episode where I was basically catatonic for a while. I don't know what that was, a seizure or what but I don't remember anything. I don't remember much about that month in Europe either. I just have for my whole life large sections of my memory I will probably never recover.
Well now I've got my mind back and I'm a freaking genius! I've got several projects started already and I am understanding concepts that I couldn't understand when I was depressed. This is what sucks, all this from something called a mood. It makes me smart or dumb and I have no control over it. I just hope I can do the work I need to do while I have my mind. I have an Aerospace Engineering Degree but landed in mainframe computers, long story, but anyhow I really like computers so it suits me. Anybody else awake? thanks for letting me ramble on.....