Nope- not in my book.

There is nothing worse than being or at least feeling obligated to "family". It drives me mad when I was told to be a "better" person or "do " the right thing just to please everyone else.

You have to do what is best for YOU. Needless to say the only family I have is my husband, children and my husband's wonderful family. They have treated me as one of their own since day one.

My family is filled with peopel trying so hard to be up each other's ass to look good to the world and my so called God loving Aunt uses God as an excuse to not have any backbone. ( long story)

Your health and mental well being should be in the forefront and the rest will continue to be emotionally bankrupt.

Just my opinion. Nope- doesn't make you a terrible person.

There is a great article if you google "What is a Toxic Family of Origin."

You are NOT a bad person. My father is the same exact way and I don't speak to my brother because of problems with my dad. It is a sad situation and a hard one to give advice on but I wish you well and just remember you are not a bad person!

Good Question???
In my situation on my side my Mom is lost by way of a tumor in her brain and she can't understand much these days. Dad is more fond of two of my sisters and won't move closer to my Mom because of them. But praises my brother who hasn't been seen since well I forget but it has been a long time.
Hubby's side, I do everything for his parents and get no credit. Her other son who does nothing and sometimes even less gets her praise. He is seeing a married woman who has no intention on getting a divorce from her hubby ( the man might get some money if she divorces him, well at least he gets something).
I try and praise my kids equally both are the best to me and my hubby. I can't say that I treat them different at all.
I used to do this thing when they grew up, if one had something than the other got something too.
Just how I wanted to be raised but didn't since there were 5 of us.
Do I think you are wrong- no way!
You do as you need to do for you. Anyone has a problem too bad.
Stand up for you, no one else will.
Take it easy and see just what you want to do. Having to do something is a chore, wanting to do is better.
ttfn AnnieEm

Not where I come from. It's sad but you have to lose TOXIC things from your life. You are A-ok.XO

I should have asked this question years ago, I'm sure I would have been a much happier person. lol

Thanks for all the support

No, it does. You give so much of yourself to be put down. You got some good feedback here from everyone else. :D

I have to distance myself from my mother for the reasons your saying, also guilt trips, never being good enough oh and the best, telling me since I can remember, that she only married my biological father to get back at her first husband (who was her first real love and my sister's father) and i wasn't supposed to be a product of that marriage.

I have distanced myself from my mother...I live almost a 1000 miles away from her and just tell her "gotta go" and get off the phone. But now she is coming here with my sister because my sister's son moved here for work and he and his g/f are having a baby and i get her for around 2 wks. Now putting them boundaries up in person scares me. Can I do it? Am I strong enough? I pray so!

No No you are not a bad person at all. We can't choose how other's, including family, treat us, but we can choose how "we" will be treated. So distance yourself if that is what you want to do, need to do. You have every right.

Thanks SillyAnn, sounds like you were smarter than me distancing yourself at a much younger age than me but better late than never. My husbands work did put a 100 miles distance between us for the past 13 years so I should be grateful I guess. Now just need to limit the phone calls. lol

I wish you a lot of strength to deal with your mom while she is visiting and hope that it stays just a short visit.

Joyce, I wish I had an answer to your questions of why mom's dis the ones that care for them and hold those who don't in higher esteem. I've been dealing with this all my life. When people ask me why I moved from Virginia to out in the middle of nowhere USA I tell that at 39 I finally got up enough courage to run away from home for the second time in my life.

I have always lived in the shadow of one of my older brothers and finally got tired of being compared to him. I was not given the chances that he was for one thing but that aside. He did things that most parents would be ashamed of they would still love them but would not be so proud of them. All that was ok with them because he had a good job (NASA) and appeared to be a fine upstanding member of the community.

I on the other hand got pregnant at 17 married and was a big disappointment. They didn't approve of my husband and tore us apart. They didn't like my brothers wife and bitched all the time about her and tried to tear them apart but didn't succeed but he was still #1. I remarried a man that abused me an two of our sons and my daughter from a the previous marriage. My parents only cared that my daughter was abused. I stayed in the marriage for 14 years because between him and my parents I was convinced that was the best I could ever do.

I barely talk to my mom today and of course I know that she puts me down and lets the world know what a crappy selfish daughter she has and I'm ok with that. I still hope for her approval but am slowly coming to realize she will never change so I must or end up dying insane from trying to accomplish the impossible.

Sorry for rambling. I just wanted you to understand that I truly feel your pain. I truly hope that you find some peace from your situation. And no I definitely do not think that this makes you a terrible person or daughter. You deserve to be loved, treated with respect and kindness. It should be a given from our mothers but sadly it is not. Obviously you are the better person for continuing to care dispite her insults.

((((HUGS))))

Thanks Gracie and you are so right.

Do what you sincerely feel; making a show of things is kind of bullishit if someone treated you badly.

My sister and mom had real tension in the last years of my mom's life. It was because of me and my daughter taking too much time away from my sisters family. She was jealous of me and of my daughter..I have no idea why. My sister is living in a 500,000 home and her family leading a very comfortable lifestyle. They chose to live 2 hours away.

My mom died and my sister was left anxious and regretful. And mad at me although she said she blamed mom.

I understand that my mom wasn't perfect. I believe she believed that my sister was doing well for herself and didn't have to worry so much about her and her family. She knew that they had roof over their heads, a string of nice cars every few years, had nice friends, and ultimately that they chose to live away. My mom was proud of her. I knew that but I am not sure that my mom told my sister enough. My grandmother did that to my mother...just didn't say much about her accomplishments. I was the underdog and adopted and my mom felt sorry for me. I was the person she was a caretaker to. It just meant my mom was codependent and was rescuer. I know she loved us both in her own ways even if she didn't show her love how we both wanted (my sister and I) her to.

I am sorry for going down a rabbit trail here but your story brought up painful emotions that I had to get out.


I hope you find a way to find peace over this whole situation. I found mine thru therapy..as I watched mom decline and die. It helped alot to talk things out and to learn to grieve in a healthy way.

Trust me, I know how you feel. People say you will regret it but I do not believe that if you truly feel as strongly as you do. I am a Christian so I believe that you must respect your mother but you DO NOT have to take shit! You owe your sibling NOTHING. You can step away from both relationships if you see fit. That doesnt make you terrible, it makes you STRONG. I have considered ending my relationship with my father so I am just going to not talk to him. If I talk to him, he pisses me off and I end up being disrespectful so if I no longer speak to him I won't be disrespectful so it goes along with my religion. You have to put YOU first!