Sorry you are feeling so down and angry. I hope you don't put a bullet in your head. Do you have access to a gun?

It can be overwhelming when we dwell on all our problems that seem like they can never be solved.

When this happens to me I slow down and take it one step at a time, one day at a time and plod along with one foot in front of the other.

Maybe the people in your life don't find you as big a drag as they think? Or maybe yoga and meditation might help you? They help me!!

(((hugs)))

She had to walk out of the room and end the conversation because she couldn't handle my negativity, it was bringing her down. Pathetic.

((HUGS)) And Welcome to DS, here you will find a support and love. We will love you so you can learn to love yourself. I am sorry you are going thru a hard time. Meditate with deep breathing and clear your mind. You may want to talk to your psychiatrist about a med tweak. This sounds like a good time to switch or tweak medications. Hang in there and be honest with your psychiatrist

I'm like feining over some guy I met who took my breath away and said goodbye. She thinks that's why I am so upset. I don't have a gun. I can never think of a great way to kill myself... It's all too painful and permanent.

For some reason I hate everything that is good for me right now. So meditation is the last thing I want to do. I just have this pain in my chest like my heart is in a lightening storm.

Maybe you're right maybe they don't hate being around me, but my older sister talked to me and looked at me with disgust and frustration when I asked for her advice about my problems the other night. I just felt worse after talking to her. But I think it's my fault.

Thanks but I think this is my fault, I got myself into this mess... not the chemicals in my brain.

Please understand it is not your fault.

Diabetics don't feel guilty for having to take medications.

Most of us take medications and go to a talk therapists, journal, practice meditation. Watch our exercise and sleep cycles and lots of other things.
It's not mine or your fault that we are bipolar.

I understand that being bipolar isn't my fault. However I do think I got myself into misery... I have obsessed over a guy a couple times and last monday I met the most wonderful young man from Ireland and we had a great night, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodnight. He didn't ask for my number.... probably because he is only staying here for a couple weeks. But I obsessed about it, wanted to go out every night to that same Irish Pub to see him again and as the days went on I got upset because I realized I'll never see him again. So I think that has been upsetting me along with a dozen other things. I think the fact that I'm bipolar doesn't help because I go to the extremes and PMSing and moodiness and all that... so maybe you're right it's not all my fault. Thanks for the support.

Grenadene, I have been where you are many times. I truly can feel your pain. Please do not listen to the voices saying you are worthless. They lie, even though you think they are your truth. More than once, I called family to my depressed bedside to say goodbye, because I didn't understand how I could go on living because I felt so horribly sick.I, too, have outbursts of rage, irritation and anger, when I am becoming hypomanic, and I have learned how to predict the coming storm I slur my speech, have trouble forming sentences and tremble when I talk. I have abused medication many times. I did not want to kill myself; I only wanted to kill the pain. The fine line between life and death in an overdose is fragile. PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELF. I promise this sad mood will pass. Calm yourself by inhaling as long as you can through you nose. Hold for a few seconds, then force the breath out of your mouth as strong as you can. Do this 10 times, and you will feel so much calmer. If you have a cat or dog companion, have a conversation with them. Tell them anything you feel, and they will comfort you. My animal companions have saved my life many times.
After 20 years of therapy, I've come to understand that my attempts to kill my pain was a result of being angry toward my husband. He is an angel and has never wavered in his support and understanding of me; yet when I am manic, he is the cause of everything wrong in the world. If you can sleep, try to rest and recover. These bad feelings will pass. You are very loved by many, even if you do not feel their love right now. If I learned of your passing I would be very sad. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

i feel the same as you. i can't off myself yet, because my dad has had 2 heart attacks and an amputation in the last 3 years, and if i died, it would kill him.
so, now i'm waiting around for him to pass so i can leave this awful life.
fucked-up or what.

Thank you auugmobile, that is so great to hear from you. Why do I tell myself I'm worthless? I can't understand... well sometimes I think I can... two alcoholic fathers, abuse, rape, psychosis.. MANIA! and some deep dark depression... I don't experience anger like that often. Few times really... once I got so angry at myself I really did hurt myself. I burned my left forearm 7 times and then the next day once on my thigh and once on my ankle. It's a similar anger. Anger toward myself and it takes over my body. In that moment I don't want to do anything positive for myself so it's hard to pull out my tools. But I'll try to find some insight and realize that I am loved. Thankfully I feel okay right now, funny how it passes like that. I'm about to go to the gym to get out any extra energy I have. I am so happy to hear your response, thank you.

Mojopaw I hope you don't off yourself ever! I don't know much of your story but there is hope. There is always hope. I know that because I have always come out of deep dark scary places and felt happy again. When I am in a moment of anger and have self harming thoughts I don't feel that there is any hope at all, but then I remember happy times, I have to try to remember, and acknowledge that it's worth living to feel that happiness again. Life is precious. I hope you can see that too.

Remember that this too shall pass.

Truth.