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So um. There's not really a way to smoothly transition into this. One of my extremely close friends, is friends with my abuser. (again, we're talking psychological/emotional abuse. But my hatred for them is flaring up real bad right now.)
They've always been friends and I actually met her through them and it's always been sort of okay, but they're getting VERY close and it makes me uncomfortable how she's on the kind of level with them that she is.
I'm not sure why this is JUST NOW bothering me.
Anyway. I'm not going to tell her "It's me or them" or force an ultimatum on her, or even try to gently persuade her to not speak to them, because that's an asshole abuser-esque thing to do, trying to control who people in your life can or can't interact with, I don't care how close you are.
But I'm also not comfortable with mentioning that it bothers me, and not sure I should do this either because... she just got out of probably her worst depression phase that I've ever seen, and she's not the type to go and ask for help dealing with her shit. She's just not. She's very introverted and doesn't know how to accept comfort or help if she's doing that badly.
So I had to just sit idly by and wait for it to be over, and I felt useless because I couldn't help her. It was awful. But she's better. This would upset her horridly and I can't put her through that again, especially not so soon. She couldn't even read my (or anyone else's) messages because she was such a nervous wreck for a while. I don't want to fuck with her anxiety, it'd be really cruel of me, and in recognizing this, I cannot do it.
I thought about just deleting her and hoping she wouldn't notice or think much of it for a while, but that's wishful thinking. I know she would. And I really don't want to do that. Honestly I'm not sure I have the heart to cut her out ever, considering how amazing and unproblematic of a person she's been in my life. Especially not so unceremoniously.
But I'm not the type of person who can sit back and just quietly not say anything, especially when it feels so wrong and fucked up that she thinks the sun shines out of the ass of the person who ruined my psychological innocence slowly, painfully, and over a drawn-out several years.
It's a whole confusing mess and not very black-and-white exactly what was unforgivable and what was circumstance, and I'm only recently open about purely disdaining him. So... I guess it's inaccurate to state it so bluntly. But when it comes right down to it... that's fucked. Dx
She can't handle guilt either because she feels it so strongly. And she's the least deserving of that feeling of overwhelming self-questioning and self-deprecating. I don't want her to feel like shit, just to maybe think more carefully about who she surrounds herself with. But she's GOING to regardless of my intents, and I have to think about the end-result.
I love her more than I've loved any female that I haven't been in love with. I couldn't hurt her soul. Our souls are tied. I'd FEEL that shit. My empathy for her is stronger than for anyone else because she's never exhausted my patience and our souls are intrinsically linked also.
But this... is getting too much. It HURTS ME to see them joke around. I can't even explain it.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Damn. It. I decided to cave in and ask a mutual friend. She's not awake yet, though. I don't want to bury it, because it'll taint the love and pureness of my feelings for her. And resurface as tainted, impure feelings. Confusing, mistrust. Suppressed hate. I can't let my love for her die over this bullshit. But I also can't stress her out with this whole thing right now. It's a no-win situation.
I guess because she views every person as many different things and right now I just see him- her best friend right now- as an abuser, and nothing but. I think he's evil actually and I don't believe in evil because it's generally just a social construct used to describe unsavory human traits. But I get a bad feel about him both from my trauma and other things..... I can't be happy for their friendship as of now.
ON AN IRRELEVANT NOTE while I'm writing a post, how do you tell if a DS user has you set to "ignore"? It's not important but I feel like someone I used to talk to on here has me set to that. Which is understandable I guess, I am pretty offensive sometimes.
They've always been friends and I actually met her through them and it's always been sort of okay, but they're getting VERY close and it makes me uncomfortable how she's on the kind of level with them that she is.
I'm not sure why this is JUST NOW bothering me.
Anyway. I'm not going to tell her "It's me or them" or force an ultimatum on her, or even try to gently persuade her to not speak to them, because that's an asshole abuser-esque thing to do, trying to control who people in your life can or can't interact with, I don't care how close you are.
But I'm also not comfortable with mentioning that it bothers me, and not sure I should do this either because... she just got out of probably her worst depression phase that I've ever seen, and she's not the type to go and ask for help dealing with her shit. She's just not. She's very introverted and doesn't know how to accept comfort or help if she's doing that badly.
So I had to just sit idly by and wait for it to be over, and I felt useless because I couldn't help her. It was awful. But she's better. This would upset her horridly and I can't put her through that again, especially not so soon. She couldn't even read my (or anyone else's) messages because she was such a nervous wreck for a while. I don't want to fuck with her anxiety, it'd be really cruel of me, and in recognizing this, I cannot do it.
I thought about just deleting her and hoping she wouldn't notice or think much of it for a while, but that's wishful thinking. I know she would. And I really don't want to do that. Honestly I'm not sure I have the heart to cut her out ever, considering how amazing and unproblematic of a person she's been in my life. Especially not so unceremoniously.
But I'm not the type of person who can sit back and just quietly not say anything, especially when it feels so wrong and fucked up that she thinks the sun shines out of the ass of the person who ruined my psychological innocence slowly, painfully, and over a drawn-out several years.
It's a whole confusing mess and not very black-and-white exactly what was unforgivable and what was circumstance, and I'm only recently open about purely disdaining him. So... I guess it's inaccurate to state it so bluntly. But when it comes right down to it... that's fucked. Dx
She can't handle guilt either because she feels it so strongly. And she's the least deserving of that feeling of overwhelming self-questioning and self-deprecating. I don't want her to feel like shit, just to maybe think more carefully about who she surrounds herself with. But she's GOING to regardless of my intents, and I have to think about the end-result.
I love her more than I've loved any female that I haven't been in love with. I couldn't hurt her soul. Our souls are tied. I'd FEEL that shit. My empathy for her is stronger than for anyone else because she's never exhausted my patience and our souls are intrinsically linked also.
But this... is getting too much. It HURTS ME to see them joke around. I can't even explain it.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Damn. It. I decided to cave in and ask a mutual friend. She's not awake yet, though. I don't want to bury it, because it'll taint the love and pureness of my feelings for her. And resurface as tainted, impure feelings. Confusing, mistrust. Suppressed hate. I can't let my love for her die over this bullshit. But I also can't stress her out with this whole thing right now. It's a no-win situation.
I guess because she views every person as many different things and right now I just see him- her best friend right now- as an abuser, and nothing but. I think he's evil actually and I don't believe in evil because it's generally just a social construct used to describe unsavory human traits. But I get a bad feel about him both from my trauma and other things..... I can't be happy for their friendship as of now.
ON AN IRRELEVANT NOTE while I'm writing a post, how do you tell if a DS user has you set to "ignore"? It's not important but I feel like someone I used to talk to on here has me set to that. Which is understandable I guess, I am pretty offensive sometimes.
Over time I've developed the grudge and bitterness to a high art and it serves me well. I don't feel bad about it, it's self-preservation. Life is mostly a learning experience so we should learn quickly and thoroughly.
I don't know of any kind of notification for the "Ignore" feature. I put people on ignore and don't worry about it after that.
I think I'm the same as you with most people. She would be the weird exception. I used to treat all my friends exactly the same and get so into all of their personalities, now I only let one or two at a time into my heart and past my walls.
With everyone else I mostly am cold and analytical and impatient. I do the grudge thing too. I have to love somebody a whole lot to suck it up, get over myself, and forgive them for the simple fact that I should.
Well our mutual friend basically thinks its a lost cause and a lot of people have spoken to her about it apparently, because I'm not the only one. I'm gonna double-check with another friend, though.