I am getting frustrated of pdocs and meds and everything else that goes with it. The first med I took was lithium and it did not work at all for me and I had a whole whack of side effects and my depression worse than originally so I had to switch off it. Then I tried just paxil and that worked pretty well, but then after a crash I took epival and paxil. Then came the worse crash I have ever experienced in which I landed in the hospital. Now I am taking lamictal.

I am just frustrated for a few reasons though. First, the doctors can't even figured out what is wrong with me. I have been suffering from depression officially since grade 11, but really I've been struggling since grade 7. I have tried everything, counseling, journalling, meds, etc. Everything helps, a little bit, combined, it helps a little bit more. But the doctors don't know what to diagnose me as. I don't have the characteristic highs of bipolar (like I have never entered mania). I occasionally get hyper and the more hyper I get the harder I crash (which is how I got my diagnosis as bipolar), but they say that my hyperness does not last long enough (like usually it's only a few hours). So the pdocs always say they can't figure it out :(.

I feel like each time I take something it works for a little bit, but then it just stops working it. I mean, I believed in meds,but the first time I crashed pretty badly and lost my appetite, couldn't sleep, was disorientated, couldn't make decisions, etc. And this time around it was even worse. This time around I ended up in the hospital and I was crying like several hours a night and wanted to run away. I seriously felt like i had lost touch with reality and was out of my mind. But thankfully, I realized I needed to go to the hospital and they really helped me out. I am upset that I have tried different combos and I always keep getting worse and worse. I told my friends before I went to the hospital that if I hadn't been taking anything it would have been way worse, but I don't believe that anymore. I don't think it is possible to feel as bad as I did that time around. I crashed a few times before my days taking meds and they were nowhere near as bad. So, how is it possible to crash so far when you are doing everything you are supposed to? I feel even worse when I try to reach out to others for help during times like this and they're first response is to assume I have stopped taking meds. As if they think that if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to this should never have happened. My pdoc keeps saying that I shouldn't have such a negative outlook on meds, but seriously, i don't want to put up with the side effects anymore if in the end of the day it's not even doing anything to make me better and it's just making me feel worse and worse by making my hyperness built up for an ultimate crash. I think it may be related to hormones, but the doctors aren't doing anything to test that. I also have heard other people who are fed up with traditional meds going on natural products and homeopathy and they swear by it, but I'm not sure how accurate that is and also it's a ton of money. Maybe you guys can help by giving me some advice? Thanks for listening.