Sounds like more info is needed on both sides, and perhaps a protection order is in order...find out how much time you have to make a decision...as the mother to his kids you have the right to know and to be protected...Best of luck.

He's not violent so I don't think I can get a protection order.

If you believe it to be so, then in your case, your relationship with him, it is so....it's your truth.

Just say no to him.

Say no to your urge to help him.

A good book: Women Who Love too Much, by Robin Norwood.

Even off you are totally over him, read it. History will keep trying to repeat itself.

Some of us tend to love misogynists...that book probably saved me about as much as the Bible.

You can get a restraining order whether he is violent or not.

Give it to him straight. Tell him you dont want him around you or your kids. Set boundries.

He's going to be upset whether you candy coat it or not.

It can be kinder to end it firmly than to send confusing vibes by not communicating or trying to let him down easy. I'd do it sooner than later. Better he get over it while confined than to wait till he is free to hunt you down.

I'm not really trying to candy coat it I'm just trying to keep it civil. Which I'm having a hard time doing. I'm being blunt but I know it's coming off in a really cruel way.

Believe me I'm way over him! I'm not even remotely worried about giving him jack shit. I just don't want to be inconvenienced by having him show up on my door step and making a scene for the nosy neighbors.

OK I wrote a letter.

It's not very nice but it's tame compared to some of the other ones I wrote.

I hate to discourage some one who is a drug addict. Normally I'd be all supportive if it was some one I could walk away from easily. Having kids sure complicates things.

I basically told him that he can't stay clean and he'll never get clean. He's a weak person with no self control and he's in love with the drug too much. I told him it's the jail talking and that when he gets out of jail the first thing he's gonna do is use just like all the other jail visits. This time isn't any different than any other time he's "changed".

Then I told him I'm unhappy to hear from him and that I didn't give the kids any of his letters nor will I until they are 18. I told him to not come around and leave things alone.

good letter

Much strength to you doorknob, stay firm!! You def don't need this person in your life, and you and your kids don't deserve it. I would hope that you can find out how much longer he will be in for. A restraining order would be good too. I'd look into legal aid to see what else you can do, you need to protect yourself and your kids. Many hugs to you!!

I learned in Alanon, dealing with Alcoholics - you do the next right thing. Which means the letter...

You do it afraid, your do it uncomfortable, you do it badly, you say it badly - you can always get over or forgive yourself for a bad delivery...

BUT you do it : ) The letter good or bad, is as important to you - as him. Nice, detachment offering him hope for hard times - all admirable, but NOT necessary. Telling him NO - consequences, are yours from bad behavior?????? IS required!

Its ok to do it "badly" - its not your responsibility how he TAKES IT - its your responsibility to SAY IT ((((BIG HUG)))

It must be a really difficult position to be in with children.. I was married to an addict as well and it was a terrible experience..
I feel for anyone who has this illness but it was a horrible marriage and I couldn't wait to get out..
I agree that the letter needs to be sent... I wrote an email eventually due to him trying to keep contact going with me and it wasn't nice at all.. I wasn't proud of it but I needed to get it out of me.
Big hug of comfort for you...xo

kinda wish you could have come here and asked for advice before you sent the pictures....

yes hes falling hard... and is to weak to man up and wants to use you again to do it...

you have every right to move on and its okay

go ahead and stand up to him so he can work on a plan B in his head...

other wise he will fantasize about how to lie and cover up being responsible for his actions...

only after a man shows solid growth and self security as a self supporting person should he ever be allowed to have the benefits of friendship after being a train wreck in other peoples lives

other wise you are only supporting him being weak and reckless
and allowing him to just do it again...
without consequences...

chin up ... and send him a letter and leave your emotions to yourself... be cold if you need to ... and don't leave the door open whatsoever

you first ...

Hi doorknob, your letter sounds excellent.

You are right its the jail talking and not the drugs. When he gets out it will be the drugs talking.

I normally support the rights of children to have their fathers involved in their lives but if he is a drug addict then I think you are very right to hold back all of his letters until they are 18.

I hear you about being worried he will turn up when he is released and cause trouble for you in your home. Are you able to find out the dates so you can be prepared?

Maybe mention in the letter that if he comes anywhere near your home then the police will be called straight away.

How did he find out where you are, do you know!!?

I can't remember ..... are your kids with someone else?
Do they have any say on whether or not he can see them, once he gets out?
How do they feel about that?

Jail or not, the courts may decree that he has the right to see the kids, once he gets out.
But you certainly have the right to not have him in your life for any other reason and it's not mean to tell him so.

Not wanting to be together is the reason for a divorce.

Well, good luck with it all.
What an unpleasant situation to have to deal with!!!
Blech.

Well he found out through domestic relations what my address was

The courts may very well decide he has a right to see his kids but I"m not real worried about it. The man has never once picked up a phone for anything other than drugs or a girlfriend. He wouldn't even call his doctor. When we were together I had to do every thing for him.

So not real worried about that part.

But until he does go to court which I doubt he will he is not welcome at my house. And uh I won't tell him about that court part.

He's not looking for a relationship with me to the best of my knowledge. but he will be looking for a place to leach off of. I can tell you this though I have no feelings for him so I don't feel real bad if his living on the streets.

It's just inconvenient for me if he shows up.