Hanna my friend ... 1st off, grats on going back to work. Trying to get there myself. 2nd, if it were me, I'd be talking to my pdoc about a med tweak. When you say ugly places, what do you mean?

I mean that "I can't do this", or "I'll never be 'normal'", "I have to go, NOW". Stuff like that. Thanks for the congrats. I probably do need a tweak.

oh yeah those thoughts. I remember those. They come ... they go. I just keep strokin and trying my best to hang on, and if it gets to bad, I used to just walk up to my boss and say I need to go sit in my car for a while.

I'm with viejo- time for a tweak. Don't forget to try and get a lot of rest after work too. I know stress and poor sleep totally kill my stabilization. Another thing I used to do was to take bathroom breaks and walk slowly and calmly just to get some time away from the work. Sometimes I would walk around the building and go through the back entrance just to get outside for a second or two.

yeah, im with viejo too.
also i want to say congrats too, going back to work for me, didnt work out too well :( good luck!!

Hanna, it sounds like you have anxiety about working. I am sure a visit with your pdoc can help you with that. However, it is important that you counter your negative thoughts with positive ones. I am not saying that is a "cure all" for your anxiety but your body will respond to what your mind tells it.

When you are thinking "I can't do this" immediately think " I am doing this", " I am succeeding" "I have a job" " I am making money". When you think " I will never be normal" change the thought to "I have a job and I am succeeding with my bipolar disorder", "I am strong and determined to make this work". The "I have to go NOW, I think, comes from your succession of negative thoughts. You begin to become so anxious that you feel you have no choice but to leave your work place.

You can defeat these thoughts that threaten to cause you to feel like a failure. You are NOT a failure. You are a success in that you have a job, you are living your life, you are moving forward. You are facing the challenge and reaching out. You are a winner and what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger. With every event, challenge, momment in your life, you become a stronger and more determined person.

Blessings sweetie, you CAN do this and you WILL do this. Hugs

I wasn't able to keep working, but I have a lot of physical problems too.

When I WAS working... I took a lot of breaks and gave myself a "present" after every good day I got to work on time, stayed there all day, and was productive. The present was usually my favourite take out food or renting a good comedy movie (shows it was a long time ago, no one rents movies anymore). It took a lot of "I think I can's" and "I know I can's" just like the little engine that could... in order for me to keep it up.

I eventually had to change to a less-demanding job. I delivered newspapers instead of working in an office, and as a news-paper carrier I was kind of like my own boss. I just loaded up the papers and turned on my stereo and drove into the sunrise (it was early morning work). I really enjoyed that even if it was every stinking day and even on Christmas... it was actually fun. I had to quit driving because of my vision loss though. I miss it.

Sorry so long, anyway, the point is, if you plug away at this job and it still is too difficult, maybe you can eventually find a better job. I know the market is bad now, but like I said, eventually.

Best Wishes,
Alice

Buy a book on cognitive behavioural therapy to help with those negative thoughts.

Good ones are Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns and Mind over Mood. There are workbooks that come with the book too.

Your negative thoughts can cause you to have negative emotions and these books teach you ways that you can change your thinking and hence your emotions

try adding some fish oil capsules to your meds. It sure helps me focus, concentrate and overall function better. I take 6 a day, 3 am 3 pm. And drink plenty of water throughout the day making sure not to de-hydrate. Brauer make a homeopathic oral spray called Nervatona & Focus which are fantastic products.
For boosting your immunity try echinacea, vit c, e.t.c. It takes a while to get into the swing of things, you'll get there. Good luck Hanna

ssi said i should be working despite being hospitalized for nearly 2 mths and being in a nursing home for over 5.

I have extremely bad anxiety attacks. But I have made many good friends with co workers and when I need a time out I will go to one of them and they will help me out. I do a good bit of meditation, also. My psychiatrist is always a phone call away and sometimes I call and talk to him or his nurse for a few minutes and I'll calm down. But I practice a lot of meditation.

Luckily my job is very understanding, and they allow me to take my long breaks and take off early some days. i made it through yet another day...I guess I should be proud since I was so ready to call in this morning.

thank you all for all of your thoughts. I'll do whatever i can not to fall again into deep unemployed depression.