so the last several days have been rough. The area I live in got hit HARD by a tornado (well they aren't CALLING IT THAT). I lost power for over 24 hours. Lost what little food I had. The next day I went to the YMCA and swam took a shower. I spent the rest of my day at the library working on my job search and my class (they had power). I had to ASK my mother if I could come to her house for dinner and she was like "well we don't HAVE much". (The same person who promised to take me in if I lost my apartment). Also two days before (on Saturday) I woke up with a bad fever. 103 degrees). So when I went to her house for dinner, the first thing she says before I even get my shoes off is "are you still sick"? I asked her if she would rather I just leave. And she starts wiggling out on me. Her husband starts yelling and swearing at me to "shut your GD MOUTH, sit down and eat your damned soup"!!!!! so I calmly put my shoes on and went to leave, at which point I was told by my mother that if I left I wasn't welcome to come back". I left anyhow. Since then she has been acting like nothing ever even happened. She texts me and calls me multiple times a day and if I don't answer back, she gets huffy via text mail.

Also, About three weeks ago my father got in my face and was cussing me out and was clenching his fists at me. Tonight I get a text stating that he wasn't going to apologize about what he said and did and that it was HIS house and I had to respect it. I started to draft a text back and then deleted it. And deleted his message. Screw him, screw all of them.

My family is toxic. And amidst of all of this, I am supposed to start a new job, a temp job tomorrow morning!!. It is a full time, temp to permanent job. I HAVE to go in there with a smile on my face and do the best I can. And right now all I want to do is throw everything I own on the curb except my clothes and personal stuff, get in my car and leave (and never look back)

I know these are My parents, but I cannot keep doing this over and over. It is going to drive me into destruction of myself. I saw my therapist today and he said I need to push them out. My parents abused me physically and mentally as a child. I have been allowing that cycle to continue. It has to stop and that can only happen if I don't allow it. Because of the way I have been treated all my life, I don't feel like I deserve anything good to happen to me, like I am not worthy of feeling good about myself.

Also, I got hired at a home care company and after reading about everything it takes to be an aide, I may not do it. I think that type of work mY not be the best fit. it includes cleaning peoples' houses, etc....I can barely do my own!!!!! Plus you have to be able to be able to do other things that I am not comfortable with.

So, sorry so long of a post. Just a lot to say. I am really not feeling very stable right now, but I HAVE to work. I am literally down to two weeks of unemployment as of next week. I have no choice. I know I am a very intelligent woman, but I have no self esteem to back it up with. I just pray that I can put on a good show tomorrow. Please keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers. Ty!!! I appreciate the support I get from everyone!!! I try to answer as many posts on here to help others, too, but right now i am reallllllly struggling. But I truly thank ALL of you!!!! You are great!!!!!