Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I've been at my mothers house all week. And while I do enjoy the 24/7 internet I hate it here and I can't wait to get home!
I've been wanting to go home since tues but I stayed for my bro's birthday which we never celebrated, and my daughters play since hershey is closer to enola then lancaster where I live. (my children are in a boarding school for those who don't know)
Now my dad wants me to come up for a visit on sunday and it's snowing too. I want to go home I can't wait to get out of here!
Also my poor hermit crabs are probably dieing now. They need water and I only left one heater on when I left as I had no clue it was going to get cold and snow before I got back. It's probably too cold for them. I'm sure they need water and food by now. Also I feet guilty because I should be shoveling the side walk for my disabled neighbor. Hopefully the snow melts tomorrow so I don't have to stress over it.
I want to go back home I hate being here. Every one leaves me home alone at night and expects me to clean and take care of their dogs. They are never home to walk them so guess who gets stuck doing it? Since their dogs are barely trained I also get to clean up poop and puke. My mom has a pug and I swear it must be unhealthy because no matter how much I walk it the dog still manages to pee poop and puke all over the place. I'm sick of this place already.
Then my mother is sick and complaining too. I had to take her to an emergency walk in clinic last night. She's been complain of pain all week she could have made a doctors appointment but no she's one of those old fashioned warriors who never goes to the doctor unless she's half dead. But now that she's getting old she's always almost half dead. You'd think she'd learn but she never does.
Not only this but awhile ago she had appendicitis. When they tested her they said she had a cancer growth and there was a chance that when her appendix burst it spread the cancer cells all over her body through her blood stream. She was suppose to get tested to make sure but she never did because she was too scared and didn't want to know. She also lies to us about her health and tries to hide every thing from us. But we always find out later and I'm always the only person in this damn family who's available and cares enough to take care of her when every she gets ill. But I'm not always well enough to handle it. It's like two cripples trying to help each other walk. We just limp along and barely make it.
I could go on and on about all the crap I'm going through right now.
I know this is nothing but a book length complaint. I just got done saying the other day to some one how I'm not dis satisfied with my life and now life decides to prove me wrong on that.
I wish my aunt would stop butting into and interfering with my parenting of my children. She fails to realize how sick am and I don't really want to share my fucking personal business with any one in this family any more. Seeing as how all of them are quick to judge me in a negative light with out even getting the facts straight first. They are the most ignorant asshole like people I can't deal with them.
So she feels the need to go to my children's parent day and then make me feel like an asshole because I wasn't planning on going to it. It's 9 am in the morning and I live far away! I can barely wake up by 11 am! I'm sick and my meds are off! But I can't say shit about any of that! Now I'm a negligent parent in every one's eyes seeing as how this moron decided to announce all of my business in front of the rest of the family! It's like thanks a lot bitch!
and I'm annoyed with her trying to take the place as the parent all the freaking time! I'm the mother so why the fuck does she think that she should be going to the parent teacher conference in my place? I never asked any one to do this and it's none of their business! My children's grades are between them and I! I really want to tell her!
I also want to take my kids out of this school so I can sever my family from our lives! These people had plenty of chances to raise their own kids and they fucked every one of them up! Over my dead damn body will I let them fuck up my children next! I know I'm not a perfect mother but damn it I'm still far superior as a parent then they ever could be! I have more love for my children then they have in any minuet part of their wicked filthy bodies!
that plus I don't agree with the extreme conservativeness of the school or most of their view points. Understand the need to be strict with the large amount of children but some things are just too excessive! Like Halloween costumes can't be scary! That's the whole point of Halloween assholes! It's better then having girls dress like sluts which seems to be the vast majority of costumes any how. And because of their dress code which is also strict by modern standards have any idea how hard it is to find a costume that the school approves of? I went to a Halloween store and couldn't find a single costume that would meet their standards! I found one that I thought might slide and spent 50$ on it! Well they didn't approve of it! finally I told my daughter that it wasn't really fair to the other kids any how since many of them aren't even getting a costume just crazy make up and hair according to the school. Luckily my daughter is well adjusted and she was ok with it when I told her that.
While that is something quite minor it's just an example of how conservative the school is.
The other thing that worries me is the fact that my son has ADD pretty bad and they wont diagnose him or medicate him because he isn't hyper active or disruptive. The poor boy is struggling and his house parents basically pass him on his chores because they know he can't do them up to standards. He has good grades but once again he gets a lot of help. Well next year he will be in middle school when they get a lot more chores and home work and pressure! Even his house mother said if he's going to be medicated we need to get him on them this year so he's ready for middle school. She also agrees with me that he's ADD.
Well I just got a letter saying that based on the stupid questionnaire they sent me he doesn't have ADHD. I said no shit he has plain ADD no hyper activity! And I never said he was ADHD! I guess if a child is not disruptive they don't give a shit if they suffer and struggle with attention deficit. Even though when these children reach adult hood they struggle even harder to survive in a competitive world. Statistically most get stuck in crappy minimum wage jobs because they have trouble with things like meeting dead lines and organization. These things are standard and mandatory in the work force. Not to mention jobs where safety is an issue!
Also my son was diagnosed with ADD before he was enrolled in the school by a psychiatrist! I told them that when I had him enrolled but they ignored it any how. I was too ill back then to care or fight it! All I could do was sleep all day back then and by the time I would start to wake up and get moving it was already after hours, too late to contact the school and bitch.
I really would like to yank my kids out of the school and preferably move out of state so my family can just kiss my ass! I never asked for anything from them in the first place I don't need them either!
But I do need the school as I know I'm still very unstable and sick. This may be as good as I can get! I'll take the minimal amount of functioning I can handle right now but it's still not enough to feel confident in my ability to care for children full time. Not to mention if I couldn't move state right away or even at all (I know how expensive and difficult that can be) then the schools where I live now are absolutely horrible and the people are horrible too! There are a lot of rotten eggs in this neighbor hood. One rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel and there are some really rotten pieces of fruit around. Too many of them!
Now I've always feed clothed and bathed my children, but I was never able to keep a clean house or help them with home work. This is why I had them put in the boarding school in the first place. They will also get their college paid for if I keep them in the school till graduation. Just another small motivation to keep them in.
See why I'm conflicted on this issue? I don't know what the right choice for my children is to be honest. Save them from a dysfunctional alcoholic family and get my son the help he needs while putting their education at risk? Or keep them in a school whose policies I don't agree with while being unable to cut my family off.
Well that's all the bullshit I've been dealing with in the last few days.
I've been wanting to go home since tues but I stayed for my bro's birthday which we never celebrated, and my daughters play since hershey is closer to enola then lancaster where I live. (my children are in a boarding school for those who don't know)
Now my dad wants me to come up for a visit on sunday and it's snowing too. I want to go home I can't wait to get out of here!
Also my poor hermit crabs are probably dieing now. They need water and I only left one heater on when I left as I had no clue it was going to get cold and snow before I got back. It's probably too cold for them. I'm sure they need water and food by now. Also I feet guilty because I should be shoveling the side walk for my disabled neighbor. Hopefully the snow melts tomorrow so I don't have to stress over it.
I want to go back home I hate being here. Every one leaves me home alone at night and expects me to clean and take care of their dogs. They are never home to walk them so guess who gets stuck doing it? Since their dogs are barely trained I also get to clean up poop and puke. My mom has a pug and I swear it must be unhealthy because no matter how much I walk it the dog still manages to pee poop and puke all over the place. I'm sick of this place already.
Then my mother is sick and complaining too. I had to take her to an emergency walk in clinic last night. She's been complain of pain all week she could have made a doctors appointment but no she's one of those old fashioned warriors who never goes to the doctor unless she's half dead. But now that she's getting old she's always almost half dead. You'd think she'd learn but she never does.
Not only this but awhile ago she had appendicitis. When they tested her they said she had a cancer growth and there was a chance that when her appendix burst it spread the cancer cells all over her body through her blood stream. She was suppose to get tested to make sure but she never did because she was too scared and didn't want to know. She also lies to us about her health and tries to hide every thing from us. But we always find out later and I'm always the only person in this damn family who's available and cares enough to take care of her when every she gets ill. But I'm not always well enough to handle it. It's like two cripples trying to help each other walk. We just limp along and barely make it.
I could go on and on about all the crap I'm going through right now.
I know this is nothing but a book length complaint. I just got done saying the other day to some one how I'm not dis satisfied with my life and now life decides to prove me wrong on that.
I wish my aunt would stop butting into and interfering with my parenting of my children. She fails to realize how sick am and I don't really want to share my fucking personal business with any one in this family any more. Seeing as how all of them are quick to judge me in a negative light with out even getting the facts straight first. They are the most ignorant asshole like people I can't deal with them.
So she feels the need to go to my children's parent day and then make me feel like an asshole because I wasn't planning on going to it. It's 9 am in the morning and I live far away! I can barely wake up by 11 am! I'm sick and my meds are off! But I can't say shit about any of that! Now I'm a negligent parent in every one's eyes seeing as how this moron decided to announce all of my business in front of the rest of the family! It's like thanks a lot bitch!
and I'm annoyed with her trying to take the place as the parent all the freaking time! I'm the mother so why the fuck does she think that she should be going to the parent teacher conference in my place? I never asked any one to do this and it's none of their business! My children's grades are between them and I! I really want to tell her!
I also want to take my kids out of this school so I can sever my family from our lives! These people had plenty of chances to raise their own kids and they fucked every one of them up! Over my dead damn body will I let them fuck up my children next! I know I'm not a perfect mother but damn it I'm still far superior as a parent then they ever could be! I have more love for my children then they have in any minuet part of their wicked filthy bodies!
that plus I don't agree with the extreme conservativeness of the school or most of their view points. Understand the need to be strict with the large amount of children but some things are just too excessive! Like Halloween costumes can't be scary! That's the whole point of Halloween assholes! It's better then having girls dress like sluts which seems to be the vast majority of costumes any how. And because of their dress code which is also strict by modern standards have any idea how hard it is to find a costume that the school approves of? I went to a Halloween store and couldn't find a single costume that would meet their standards! I found one that I thought might slide and spent 50$ on it! Well they didn't approve of it! finally I told my daughter that it wasn't really fair to the other kids any how since many of them aren't even getting a costume just crazy make up and hair according to the school. Luckily my daughter is well adjusted and she was ok with it when I told her that.
While that is something quite minor it's just an example of how conservative the school is.
The other thing that worries me is the fact that my son has ADD pretty bad and they wont diagnose him or medicate him because he isn't hyper active or disruptive. The poor boy is struggling and his house parents basically pass him on his chores because they know he can't do them up to standards. He has good grades but once again he gets a lot of help. Well next year he will be in middle school when they get a lot more chores and home work and pressure! Even his house mother said if he's going to be medicated we need to get him on them this year so he's ready for middle school. She also agrees with me that he's ADD.
Well I just got a letter saying that based on the stupid questionnaire they sent me he doesn't have ADHD. I said no shit he has plain ADD no hyper activity! And I never said he was ADHD! I guess if a child is not disruptive they don't give a shit if they suffer and struggle with attention deficit. Even though when these children reach adult hood they struggle even harder to survive in a competitive world. Statistically most get stuck in crappy minimum wage jobs because they have trouble with things like meeting dead lines and organization. These things are standard and mandatory in the work force. Not to mention jobs where safety is an issue!
Also my son was diagnosed with ADD before he was enrolled in the school by a psychiatrist! I told them that when I had him enrolled but they ignored it any how. I was too ill back then to care or fight it! All I could do was sleep all day back then and by the time I would start to wake up and get moving it was already after hours, too late to contact the school and bitch.
I really would like to yank my kids out of the school and preferably move out of state so my family can just kiss my ass! I never asked for anything from them in the first place I don't need them either!
But I do need the school as I know I'm still very unstable and sick. This may be as good as I can get! I'll take the minimal amount of functioning I can handle right now but it's still not enough to feel confident in my ability to care for children full time. Not to mention if I couldn't move state right away or even at all (I know how expensive and difficult that can be) then the schools where I live now are absolutely horrible and the people are horrible too! There are a lot of rotten eggs in this neighbor hood. One rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel and there are some really rotten pieces of fruit around. Too many of them!
Now I've always feed clothed and bathed my children, but I was never able to keep a clean house or help them with home work. This is why I had them put in the boarding school in the first place. They will also get their college paid for if I keep them in the school till graduation. Just another small motivation to keep them in.
See why I'm conflicted on this issue? I don't know what the right choice for my children is to be honest. Save them from a dysfunctional alcoholic family and get my son the help he needs while putting their education at risk? Or keep them in a school whose policies I don't agree with while being unable to cut my family off.
Well that's all the bullshit I've been dealing with in the last few days.
****sigh***
I wish I could offer more, but I did read your entire Post, and really feel for you
Hugs
dd
You need to go home right now and sort out your crabs and your neighbour and your mental health. That's pretty clear. So go home when you originally planned
Your mother is a grown adult and you can only do so much for her. She has to do it for herself to so just keep doing what you can do and don't fret over the rest . I have the same problems with my father but I have to accept his wishes and if does not want to do certain things ( in his case testing for early Alzheimer's) then for now I have to suck it up.
You need to remember you have to look after yourself too.
Can you ask the school not to discuss your children with your aunt? They are your kids , surely they can't discuss them with anyone with out your permission ?? She would get the message that way .
Going to parents day is a bit off but perhaps your kids liked to have someone there if you could not make it ??? Just trying to find the positive in that and maybe the kids enjoyed her being there ???? I don't know of course just throwing it out there.
I think you need the school and its what best for your kids . You have to do what's best for them so you will have to stick it out there. Also if ot means having to deal with your family then I thik its worth it and a small price to pay to ensure your childrens future.
Why do the school have the last say on your sons ADD ?? He is your son and you said he has already been dxed with ADD before he started . So get him on meds yourself when he is home next and give the school instructions to give your child the meds when required. The house parent is already on board with it .
He is your son and you are the parent not the school , they are hs educators and his part time carers but not his parent. They should not be making decisions on his health and meds alone.
By keeping your kids in school you are giving them the tools they need for their future and giving yourself the time you need for yourself . Your family may just have to be the price you pay for all that.
That's it , time to shut up now so thats what I will do xxx
But 9am is so unreasonable for me. I have a sleep problem I can barely wake up by 11am. And even 11 am is a vast improvement. I use to be unable to wake up till 2pm. Some times even later than that.
I will be talking to the school on monday. I also don't understand why my aunt is still getting paper work and knows about events that I had to find out about through her! I barely get any papers at all from the school.
I thought I had taken care of this issue when I finally got sponsor ship of my kids back. So I have no idea why the school is still treating them like they are the sponsors! I know they have done a lot for my children but they are over stepping the boundaries now! I'd like to talk to them but the last time I tried that I got majorly disrespected! And none of my words got through. I felt like an idiot for even trying to communicate. I feel like they are a foreign country and I don't get the customs.
I'm at a loss. And I'm really mixed up about what to do as far as the school goes. I have a strong desire to take them out of the school. But there are a lot of benefits to having them in the school and it was such hard work to get them in, in the first place! I just which my controlling uncle never would have gotten involved and that I was never so sick that I couldn't stop it when it first started!
I was pretty ill considering how I never even realized all this shit that was going on behind my back. All I feel is anger. the one good thing that happened for my children and I'm starting to question how good it really is for my children. I'm not impressed with money I'm more concerned over things like a strong education and healthy habits and thoughts. I want my children to really know the difference between what our family is and what is healthy!
I don't want them to end up like me. And as bad as I am I still feel that I am the most healthy one in the family! The only difference is that I can't function on a mundane level. But when it comes to almost every thing else I run circles around them! Most of them are so dumb and uneducated! They take for granite that things were different back in their time! employers would hire you with out a formal education and things weren't nearly as advanced!
Still even just crawling is better than not working in their blind eyes. That's like the only thing that matters to them. They are completely blind when it comes to having a healthy relationship or common sense! Most of them never bother to read a book unless it's dime store romance and some of them were dumber than dirt! They couldn't even pass a very basic remedial course in a community college. Stuff that is so simple a child could do it!
I'll never forget when my aunt couldn't even figure out an infants toy! You know those color rings that you stack on the peg! That's right a grown adult couldn't do it! That's the level of intelligence I have to deal with. And no matter what you do you can not get through to these people. They live in their own reality and even when reality presents it's self they are so sick they can't see the truth of it!
that's why they don't under stand my life! They barely even know what goes on in it! Yet they think they are experts on it and can tell me how to live it! Or make totally rude comments letting their true feelings and disaproval bleed through. But no one has the balls to just come to me as a concerned family member on the matter. And if you try to give them advice on their fucked up lives it suddenly becomes END of discussion!
Nothing ever gets resolved in this family! Every one holds their grudges and tries their best to pretend like every thing is fine and nothing is wrong! But they are in effective at it! You always know what they are really thinking because of comments they make in every conversation. But if you confront them on it they deny what they meant by it. No one can every apologize or admit they were wrong! Because there's nothing to even discuss!
This is the sick dynamic of the family! And even the one's who aren't alcoholics still live like this because it's the only thing they've every known.
Some one's got to break this cycle because I can't take the stupidity any more! Some day I wont hold my tongue. All my real thoughts will just uncontrollably pour out of my mouth. Like I'm not already the misfit black sheep of the family. Not that I care about being that it's a compliment coming from them as far as I'm concerned.
Ok and I'm thinking of beating myself to the punch on that uncontrollable thing. I have half a mind to just say fuck it and purposely spread my own set of poison. I'd like to debilitate those bastards. Maybe then they will stop fucking with me.
I'm starting to feel less anger now. It was bothering me real bad and I don't have many people I can lean on. I literally have no trusty worthy friends to talk to in real life. Every one has a huge blabber mouth around here.
It's hard for me to know whats best for them at this point. It makes me really wish I weren't having such horrible problems because I know that I can raise them better than any one else can. I know those kids like the back of my hand. Also the listen to me and respect me. I've gotten my daughter to read faster then they did. All I had to do is sit down with her and have a respectful discussion. I didn't have to jam anything down her throat or make her feel like an idiot. All I did was make some suggestions.
She wants to be a good kid and she is a good kid a really good one! She just needs help and guidance and I think she will be fine.
It's my son I worry the most over because my family just doesn't understand him. He has special needs. And the fact that the school is ignoring it is making me think that I know what's best for my son better than they do. If they aren't going to follow my wishes for him I may have to pull him out.
It's another situation where I get better and faster results with my children than any one else does. My bond as a parent with them is that strong.
Right now they are both really happy children. My son never complains that he feels sad or depressed or suicidal. He's just struggling to meet the schools standards because of the ADD.
I know I don't have to make a decision to take them out of the school tomorrow. As far as I'm concerned it's play it by ear right now. But I'm not convinced that the school is what's best for my son. I think he might be much better off with me.
As for my daughter I'd hate to take her out of it. She is really flourishing like a rose there. She's the top of her class, she gets to be in plays (because she is a little dramatic actress :) ), and play an instrument and other things that there is no way I could afford to do with her. The education in the city sucks and I know she can succeed in the school.
But I'm not sure it would be fair to take my son out and leave her in. She always misses me and she wants to come home too!
Also I worry because if I become too ill again then the school is the best place for them. I know they will be well cared for there. There is structure and their needs are provided for. They get a lot by being in the school.
no rash decisions yet. I will be calmly talking to the school on monday to try and sort things out. I just hope things can work out in away that every one lands on their feet.
As far as my family goes though I will probably have to spend more time thinking about a good solution.