Hi - I'm new here; I'm nineteen years old, and I was diagnosed bipolar I with severe generalized anxiety and PTSD back in February.

I finally decided to join a support group, because things are turning bad again. It seemed like the meds were working, helping reduce symptoms at first, but that's no longer the case. The last couple of weeks, I've noticed my medications working less and less, and I've been in a depression spiral for a week now. My panic attacks are back, I'm too depressed to see people, go out, or function normally, and I'm constantly wanting to self-harm and commit suicide but lack the motivation to actually follow through.

I stopped going to therapy a few weeks ago. I decided I hate my therapist, because it feels like nothing ever helps. It's not her fault, but I can't handle the thought of seeing her. So instead of seeking help, I'm just letting myself spiral.

I haven't contacted my psychiatrist about my meds, either. The difficult thing about my medicine not working is that I feel so much more, even if it's a bad depression, than I do on them. I've never been good about taking them (I used to quit taking them every few weeks just to feel - which sent me into terrible mania); I've been taking them, though, and they're just not helping. I'm on a high dose of lamictal, seroquel, sertraline, and hydroxyzine for panic attacks, yet it feels as though they do nothing. It feels like I should just stop taking them because they're not doing anything anyway.

The worst part of this is I'm fully aware that my actions are self-sabotaging, yet I can't seem to stop. It just gets worse and worse, and I can barely handle living right now. 

I just hate not being in control anymore.