I'm exhausted, today. Wide awake, but so emotionally worn down, I don't even know how I feel, right now. I wouldn't say angry, happy, or upset. Just tired. I want everyone to leave me alone, I don't want to talk anymore.

It seems that everything I need in life, everything that I depend on for survival, nobody ever says, "Yeah, alright, we can do that. No problem." It's always, "Well, we'll have to wait. You see, there's this to consider, and there's that one factor that's gonna get in the way, and if we do this, then it'll never happen, so we have to wait a few months for this, and then maybe we'll be able to do that, which will enable us to possibly..."

And I end up feeling dead inside because my own worry and anger and hurt and frustration and anxiety is tearing me apart. I cannot take this any longer. I swear to god, I'd rather be dead.

My health insurance is so f*cked up. It doesn't cover the doctors and the meds and the hormones that I need, and we're not allowed to pay out of pocket. Oh, did I mention that we're so far into debt that we're filing for bankruptcy? So, we have to find some unholy way to work around this, maybe get new insurance, find a new doctor hours away that I have to see every week, and even then, how the f*ck are we going to be able to pay for testosterone supplements and mood stabilizers and a therapist and a psychiatrist at the same time? We're probably just going to up and lose our house.

And school? Don't even get me started on that. It's impossible to get an appointment with my vice principal to discuss me not going to P.E. and getting my name changed on my ID card and attendance sheets, about using the guy's bathroom, and a bunch of controversial sh*t that'll only add to the overwhelming fear that most of my friends are going to up and abandon me because I'm coming back to school, this year, as a completely different gender. And the appointment we did manage to get with this guy is tomorrow afternoon, after I have surgery to get my wisdom teeth pulled, so I won't even be able to sit and talk to the guy, and I have to rely on my mom to do all the speaking for me, and god knows how well that's gonna plan out.

Oh, by the way, my girlfriend texted me last night saying that she was really down and not thinking, so she's sorry in advance. I was instantly overtaken by fear. The last time she "wasn't thinking", she tried to kill herself. Well, we spoke for awhile, and after some time, she said, "My arm hurts." I asked her what she did. I was so damn angry. She just said that she's sorry. Seven or eight months ago, she told me that if I ever cut myself again, she'd consider it as bad as cheating on her. When I promised never to do it again, I made her promise the same. I kept my goddamn promise. I just thought that maybe I should get the same in return.

She's hours away, there's nothing I can do... It's my fault, I should've been there. Another thing, her mom's... iffy with me. She thinks I'm some insane lesbian rapist and she doesn't want me around her daughter that often. The last time I spent time with my own girlfriend was two months ago. We're trying to see each other in a couple weeks on Labor Day weekend, but it's really difficult, and I don't know what's happening yet. I'm so worried, I feel empty, inside.

I have to wait for medication, and I'm losing ever ounce of my sanity.

I have to wait for testosterone, and I can't stand to see my own reflection.

I have to wait to see my girlfriend and make everything okay again, to just hold her close and promise her that I'll never leave, and she may very well just break down without me and stop thinking altogether.

I have no power, right now. I'm sitting here and watching other people dictate my life and do a sh*tty job, nonetheless. I just need to feel stable, I need to know that she's stable, I need to know that I'm going somewhere with all of this, or if I might as well give up, now.