Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
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words of comfort to the still grieving vader

vader
vader
When I was a little girl going to Saint Annes in fairlawn,New Jersey,the Irish nuns taught me a lesson.It is called Speech.Speech are words and sometimes people say things that hurt people and this can sting any of your relationships for years.So I decided to write a column about words of comfort for the friends and co workers of the grieving.Number one-Be polite and not ignornant.Do not ask any personal questions.Sudden Death takes the lives of 14 to 18 and it is absurd and down right heinous to ask
"What did he die of?".And I always answered "Why do you want to know for?" This is a sensitive and heinous question.Do not ask this...."How much
money did he leave you"! This is an insult.Money isnt thought of when you are grieving.It doesnt concern you.Questions like this only cause and I mean cause anger and strife in the family especially when it doesnt concern you.Another question is this"What religion is he/she going to be buried in?" Now I am a old fashioned 1950s Catholic and we were taught never to discuss politics and religions at the time of grieving.Why? Because there are 15 million Americans who dont believe in the concept of a God.They are not bad people.They just dont believe and questions like this just ignite more anger.Manner One....on the day of the funeral and the reception afterwards...do not bring any more cake.How about hot coffee or a tuna casserole? How about lasagna and hot rolls? The funeral service
will drain everyone and people wont be themselves.Manner Two-on the day of the funeral...if you have a card...BRING IT AND put it in the widows hand and then if you can put some offering in the card and only you can know how much you can give.Manner Two---when the minister,priest or
rabbi comes....LEAVE...DO NOT HOG THEM WITH QUESTIONS.THEY ARE NOT THERE TO SEE YOU.LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALONE WITH THE WIDOW AND FAMILY.IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO THEM,BY ALL MEANS GET A BUSINESS CARD AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT....DO NOT HOG THEM LIKE I SAID.Manner Three----after one week,call! Do
come over and offer to help.Maybe the widow needs help in doing the dishes or answering mail.Maybe she needs dog or cat food.Do not come
empty handed.An Arbys meal will be nice.Talk to the widow.Call her.Manner Four....if the grieving makes a shrine...dont you dare dismantle it! I have got 2 shrines to Brad in the house and it has been 13 months.Leave the shrines and cards alone.Dont read them.It is none of your business...I know people mean well..but there are times when people
have to mind their business.Manner Four---if you enter the house and you see that people are crying and weeping...this is grief.And if you tell them
not to cry or carry on.....they have every right to ask you to leave.Let a person cry.Crying is healthy.What is the widow or widower suppose to do?Are they suppose to go to dances and such? Let them grieve.Manner Five...if the death was a suicide and you just found out and you dont like to hear about so called unpleasant subjects....when the person wants to talk about it..dont say ..."I dont want to hear it.Its too depressing." Cause this was said to me recently and I dont want to be her friend anymore.The survivors of sudden death,accidents and boat accidents need to talk this out.They need comfort.If they cant talk about it..who can they talk about it to? And if it is too depressing...then you are not a friend at all.Life is full of ups and downs and you must be aware.Accidents happen.They cant be predicted like the weather..but you can provide good advice and comfort by listening and not saying anything especially if its a small child.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Amen vader.....All of the things you mention in this post are all good old fashioned common sense-(something this country's majority of people are SADLY lacking in!!). I couldn't agree with you more that a true friend wouldn't say-"please dont talk about death--it's too depressing". These type of people are too insensitive and too wrapped up in thier own lives-(and maybe egos.) to gine a GO- DAM-!! I think you find out who your true friend are when you go through the process of grieving.
Tom B. aka Ihman
vader
vader
thanks Tom.All i can say is that these care common sense and everyone should use their head nowadays.But to deny a grieving person the right to talk shows that they are self centered and she is defintely no friend of mine no more.Thanks.vader.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Probably a wise choice on your part to end that friendship. I have ended friendships with people too, who weren't going to be supportive of me.

Tom B. aka Ihman
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have found it too difficult to discuss with my friends, I just tell them I am not ready to talk about it. there are some family memebers that are calling and emailing and writing, I have not opened any cards, I just can't talk about it. I want to talk about anytihng else. I almost feel a level of resentment or anger when someone tries to get me to talk about it, or keeps bringing it up, I am sure they mean well, but they will just have to understand that because of the losses, I am still in deep grief from my brother, father, daughter, grandmother, Aunt and best friend, I am not ready to deal with the loss of my Mother and my dog. I just dont want to be sad any more. I feel it is best to be yourself, let the person guide the conversations, laughing is ok, counting one's blessings is better than counting one's losses. We all have to go at some point, so we should try to be happy. I will listen to someone that is grieving and support them by listening, if they just need to talk I am happy to do that. I just let them bring up what they want to talk about. I am shocked that people would ask about money or how their loved one died, that just seems so rude and thoughtless, I guess there are horrible people out there, I am pretty lucky I don't know anyone like that.
Common sense is not so common these days...
C
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with that statement...so many people speak before they think and do the stupidest things.


Tom B. aka Ihman
vader
vader
i have to agree. I will tell you what happened to me.I was shopping the other day and i ran into someone that used to be in the neighborhood.She asked about Brad.I told her Brad had died.No specifics.I dont know here that well.I dont have to recite the history.Then she said..: " I know how you feel.Our pet guinea pig died last week." And everyone just stood.She was just so stupid.She could have said "I am sorry.Here is 5.00." And when she said this,I knew she wasnt with it.When people die suddenly..it is healthy for me to discuss the circumstances.Every time i hold something in,my stomach erupts.I cant take the stress.And my feelings are hurt.To even compare Brad to a guinea pig shows that she doesnt have the tools necessary for a good conversation and this was the last time that I ever spoke to her.I am on the verge of losing the house.I have got no more money.I am penniless.Theres no more money.Brad has really hurt me and i dont know where I will be in July or the rest of the year because of Brads selfish act.I will call Brad selfish because seattle has got more opportunies now to help and heal depression.They have got low therapy costs.($40.00) and they have got grief therapy and grief counscilors.ANd if you dont have a lot of money you can apply for a special aid from the state to take care of your mental health issues.And I am going to do everyone of these because I just found out about them.I have got options now and for this I am grateful.But talk about your problems.Brad was into this magical thinking."Magical thinking" is a current wave of thinking that is sweeping seattle.It states if you project positive thoughts and you are postive these problems will go away.And this is wrong.Because postive thinking,mantra,chakas havent worked for me.Neither has megavitamin therapy.Megavitamin therapy is very,very expensive and I no longer take or advocate vitamins.I dont believe in vitamins.Vitamins you can get from your food and you are better off getting it in your food.The pills on the market are full of lead and chemicals and they do not do anything.Vitamin C does not prevent colds.In the recent research...the people who didnt have colds were fire fighters and the marathon runners.The average cold is 14 days and with this vitamin c it is 11 days.Also it has been proven here that Vitamin E does not prevent heart attack.These claims have got to stop.In fact,when it comes to breast cancer,the scientists who did this article which was in readers digest found that multivitamins when it comes to breat cancer..does not prevent it at all.In fact,they can cause it.The vitamins in food I am not a label reader and i dont want to be around people who do...when I go to the supermarket all i have is one hour and I am not spending hours because she has to read labels.I am not in the postition anymore like I was..but people have to realize that I have got feelings and to hurt me like this shows she is a shallow person.Who has a guinea pig for a pet? Very few.ANd this is all i will say.Please tell me I am sorry.dont compare me with other people,thanks you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're right,vader..this person is pretty clueless to compare the loss of your husband to the loss of a guinea pig.......Just goes to show how little common sense there is in this world.

Tom B. aka Ihman
vader
vader
thanks tom...you are so right.There is no more common sense anymore.I mean how can she?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe she was trying to relate to you and didn't know how to?

Tom B. aka Ihman
vader
vader
I thought about this.But she was always tongue tied and cant talk too well.Conversation is a gift and you must learn how to relate at an early age.I learned how to have a decent conversation at 48 and i am still learning...it would have been better if she told me how sorry she was because everyone was looking at me on the line.It was very,very embarrassing.
deleted_user
deleted_user
uNTIL MY HUSBAND DIED I WOULD HIDE FROM PEOPLE WHO LOST LOVED ONES. I WAS A BIG OL WUSS! I COULDN;T FACE THEIR SADNESS. I WOULD SEND FOOD AND CARDS AND FLOWERS, BUT JUST COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO VISIT, DIDN'T WANT TO CRY WITH THEME. WHEN MY HUSBAND DIED I COULD BELIEVE THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO BE THERE FOR ME. NOTHIN THAT ANYONE CAN DO, JUST LET YOU KNOW THEY CARE. IT'S BEEN ALMOST FIVE YEARS, AND I AM STILL SO SAD. I FEEL I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER, EVERY ESSENCE OF MY BEING IS CHANGED, I HAVE TIRED DATING BUT STILL THE SADNESS IS THERE. I MISS HIM SO MUCH, WE WERE SO CLOSE, AFTER READING THESE STORIES IT SOUNDS AS IF THERE IS NO END TO THE PAIN. I NEED HELP, CAN;T MAKE DECISIONS CAN'T MOVE ON. JUST HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TODO!