My cousin passed away almost two months ago. It was a horrible kayaking accident, and one rescue worker died trying to recover his body. I am so grieved and overwhelmed with sadness. Life is never going to be the same again. With someone in failing health, you realize that their time is coming to an end and so you somewhat prepare, although we are never ready to let go of our loved ones. But a healthy 25 year old? Never do you anticipate to receive a phone call that could stop your heart from the shock. I had previous undiagnosed anxiety issues before this incident, and now I am beyond maintaining it. I have a dr appointment this Saturday.

There is a young man who drowned yesterday in my town and they are still searching for him. Seeing this news story (exact same thing we went through with my cousin) has me unable to function at work today. I am in a cloud. I'm broken. I'm hysterical. I don't want to work anymore, talk anymore, anything. I want to lay in bed for as long as it takes my soul to heal. I have no children, I have a husband I never see, and parents I rarely see and who cannot understand the depth of my emotional issues. My anxiety has skyrocketed, my depression has come back, and I don't even know how to move past losing someone who is so young and so important in your life. I have a life full of responsibilities but I spend my time fighting so hard to appear efficient and normal that I vehemently wish I could escape being alive period to deal with any of this. It looks like a bunch of suffering that will never end. When do I get to fall apart? Why does everyone expect me to not be broken?

I had panic attacks so bad at church yesterday that I almost layed in the floor because I couldn't catch my breath. One the back row, beside my husband, all of those things in my comfort zone, and I still feel emotionally distressed every second of every day. I am so beyond broken...