Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
/ Bereavement Support Group

When it's not your pain, but affects you

Dixie260
Dixie260
I've written before and feel like I have no right to post. I'm not the one who lost someone. My boyfriend lost his son in an accident at the beginning of December, 23 years old. His only son. He is distraught beyond comprehension. We've been together a little over a year, and our relationship really isn't one right now. I didn't expect him to invest time into me like we were, but didn't expect him to start sending me to voicemail 90% of the time, and rarely seeing me. He could at least just send me a message and say he needs to be alone.

I feel like I should be one of the people he turns to and I'm not. The last time was over a week ago that we were together. I want to be there for him but feel like I'm pressing if I call or text. Besides that he doesn't always answer me, so why keep trying? I would never want to make him feel like he has to see me. I'm so confused as to what to do. And I love him so much, I would do anything to take his pain away but can't.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
No worries about posting, your concerns are related to bereavement and the fact that you and your BF are handling things very differently and it is impacting you.

Only you can answer the question of how long you should give him based how he is treating you. It is possible that hi is in a hole so deep that he has no idea how to get out.

Perhaps it is time to start 2 lists; one of reasons to stay, the other of reasons to leave.

Gentle hugs
Dixie260
Dixie260
He's a wonderful man, and that is what is so difficult right now for me. I don't want to give up on the relationship, but don't know where I stand in the scope of things. I can't even fathom what he must be feeling, and how I would react if I lost one of my children. Carrying on a relationship at this stage may be something he can't fully do right now. It has been me keeping things "going" communication wise over the past two months, and it seems that he calls if I back off a bit. Perhaps I need to give him space for a while, but be there if he needs me. I just don't want him thinking I am a revolving door, or sitting by the phone ready to cancel plans when he resurfaces either. I know he's in pain but I deserve better than that.
koolman
koolman
It took me about 3 years to begin to climb out of that black hole and desire to reach out to others.
Dixie260
Dixie260
Thank you all, that is why I am here, to see it from a different perspective. I love him with all my heart and pray all the time for him and his family, his surviving two daughters. The last thing I want to be is the pushy girlfriend that calls him constantly to ask him how he is doing. Or expect him to want to go out, and to pretend he is okay when he is not.
clearskye
clearskye
I appreciate your post... it hits me seeing your perspective... I have put a wall up... pushed my bf away... struggled with my feelings and inability to lean on him... I can relate on some level to your bf... all I can say from my experience... is time...try to not take the distance personal... you sound like you are being very supportive and understanding... and that's all you can do...I am so sorry for the loss of his son.
Dixie260
Dixie260
Dear Clearskye,
I was hoping someone would post, that has perspective from the other side. I'm seeing things differently, although it's still very painful for me to have the distance between my boyfriend and myself. I can only imagine what he is feeling, and the more I give him space, the more he is talking to me. We are still not seeing eachother much, but he is mending his relationship with one of his daughters, and spending much needed time with his family and rebuilding his life to find some sense of normalcy without his son.

I've found a couple of groups to join for myself, spirituality/ meditation groups and started doing things with my friends. I understand his need for space and would never make him feel badly for it, but I do need to take care of myself and not sit and wait by the phone. If he makes plans with me, then of course I will go out with him, and listen if he wants to talk. I think this time is very necessary for him right now for him to find his way.