Bereavement Support Group
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wondering what you all think.. i lost my brother to a sudden heart attack less than two months ago... he was only 44... and i read here of many similar tragedies and realize of course death is the end for us all... many of us will end up sick and decline in various ways or suddenly have the life snuffed out of us due to accident or illness.
so the question i am left with is.. do we protect our lives and live carefully trying to stave-off the grim reaper, or, do we - knowing he can come anytime and in so many forms and so unfairly - throw off the shackles and live life with less regard to risk in exchange for excitement and immediate gratification??
In other words, even after this horrible tragedy in all my pain i cannot tell if i should fear death more, or fear death less!
What did my brother do to deserve to die? Nothing! What did all (most) of your loved one do to bring on their illnesses? Nothing! Why do some people smoke and still live healthy to 100+ ? Why do athletes drop dead on the field?
It's so senseless I am left what to make of it for my own future, how to think, i no longer know...
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so the question i am left with is.. do we protect our lives and live carefully trying to stave-off the grim reaper, or, do we - knowing he can come anytime and in so many forms and so unfairly - throw off the shackles and live life with less regard to risk in exchange for excitement and immediate gratification??
In other words, even after this horrible tragedy in all my pain i cannot tell if i should fear death more, or fear death less!
What did my brother do to deserve to die? Nothing! What did all (most) of your loved one do to bring on their illnesses? Nothing! Why do some people smoke and still live healthy to 100+ ? Why do athletes drop dead on the field?
It's so senseless I am left what to make of it for my own future, how to think, i no longer know...
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I have been in the military for 11 years. I have "nearly died" a few times. I have seen friends reaction to close calls. I have seen friends die, I have seen friends permanently disabled. I lost both parents in a car crash. I lost my only sister to suicide.
I have changed my mind about how to live life several times as each thing occurred.
I don't think death is something to fear. Especially sudden death. I think the 2 things that should concern us are permanent illness/injury and the death of others. I'll explain why I think it.
Think of the 3 possibilities.
1. Your sudden death. You will have no regrets. You wont be here. (Or if you are religious you will be somewhere better)
2. Permanent disability/Long term illness. This is when you regret the things you DIDN'T do.
3. Death of somebody close. You regret what you DIDN't say to them or do with them
So, there are probably just 2 things that stand out to me. I am not perfect so I don't always remember to live by these rules but I am quite close.
1. Don't put things off. If there are things you want to do then do them or get them arranged. Not because you might die but because you might live and be unable to do them
2. Make sure everyone you love knows how you feel and enjoy your time with them as much as possible. Not because you might die but because it might be them that dies.
I know its not a very sophisticated view of life and I hope you get some better answers. This is just based on my experience.
Whatever your beliefs, your brother is at rest now. (unless you are buddhist or hindu, in which case he is enjoying life somewhere else). He isnt suffering, he isnt regretting anything. It's his loved ones who are suffering and torturing themselves with regret. Not that they should, but they do.
Yes you're right; in this creation death is a natural part of life. What does the sudden death of a young man (44 is young) tell us? That no one is safe, not one, no matter age or physical condition. A person in apparent perfect health can have an accident, an aneurism, a burst appendix, etc. This teaches us, I think, three things:
1. To live with moderation in all things. I believe that it is our responsibility to maintain our health, especially if we are gifted with good health. So all things in moderation, no sky diving (lol), no climbing Mount Everest (WHY do people do that???), care for your body, go to the doctor for checkups, take vitamins (if you're inclined), take any medications you may need.
2. Put away fear. Not only does it steal joy from every present moment but it's pointless. It appears to me (and I could be wrong!) that every person has a moment in time when they pass to the next "world", a moment foreseen, perhaps preordained and certainly allowed by the God who formed this complex, ordered and inexpressibly beautiful creation.
3. Don't go to death unprepared. I've had visions (and I do NOT suffer from psychopathology of any sort) and have had an NDE. God exists. There is "something" after physical death. You can do research on this by reading the NDE experiences of others and certain scholarly works on NDEs. One professionally overseen site is:
http://www.nderf.org/NDERF_NDEs.htm
An excellent book (I think so far the best I've read) on the topic of continuing "life" after physical death is Chris Carter's "Science and the Near-Death Experience."
When you see, when you fully understand, then it is time to turn to God. Ask Him what He wants from your life and then wait. God always answers, sooner or later. Allow yourself to be led but be discerning, be cautious, be sure it's from God. If you have a religion (were raised in a certain belief system), start there: go back (if you have stopped participating.)
Live, love, laugh: but especially, love. And love God. Yes you can forgive Him for the early death of your brother because it's okay to be angry at God. Cherish the people He has put in your life. Give of yourself in your brother's memory and for your own sake. There is a reason for everything, I absolutely know this from my lifetime experience. If you approach God with a fearless loving heart, He may reveal this reason to you.
Peace,
jill
The only answer I can think of to your question, "do we protect our lives and live carefully trying to stave-off the grim reaper, or, do we - knowing he can come anytime and in so many forms and so unfairly - throw off the shackles and live life with less regard to risk in exchange for excitement and immediate gratification??"
is: The latter, as long as it is HEALTHY., to our spirit, and to others. If you mean, by "instant gratification", indulging in various forms of addiction, like drugs, alcohol binges, smoking, promiscuous sex, those are all damaging to the spirit. If we indulge in things born out of love, for ourselves, and others, chances are, unless we're taken in some accident, we'll live longer.
So many of us die early due to self-loathing and self-abuse.
My brother developed colon cancer, and died of sepsis following tumor removal surgery. Why did he develop cancer? God only knows, might've been genetic, and he had a bowel that didn't properly move feces, but I think environment, lack of sleep and poor diet, as well as the fact that he was deeply depressed about his job, which he found a tedious, hopeless dead-end, financially and in terms of creative fulfillment and advancement, most certainly played a part in it. So he indulged in movie-watching and sexual liasons as a distraction from his personal hell-hole, and, well, you know what happened. He was working from the outside in, to fill some hole in himself, rather than working from the inside out, relaxing, and really asking himself some hard questions, about what he truly wanted out of life, which, I think, was a creative outlet that also payed the bills.
We need to continue to create, to give ourselves SOMETHING to look forward to (besides departure from this world), give ourselves a future. I believe George Burns made it to 100, despite cigar smoking and probably drinking a glass of Bourbon every day, because he had a sense of humor and had that age number in mind as a goal (!).
We can curl up and live in a bubble to avoid the inevidable, or face it head on. Some of us live long and others lives are cut short.....I believe (IMO) that we are all predestined to die before we are even born....whether we subcomb to an accident, illness, or natural causes.
If we sit around worrying about this matter, we will take the joy out of living. Embrace the life that is before you and treat it with respect and with gratitude that we have made it another day.
Working at the funeral home for 29 years and my young brothers life that was cut short has shown me that life is often short (long as well) and usually unfair.
I try to make the most of each day as if it "might" be my last.....however, I don't dwell on it as I would just be depressed and parnoid.
Loss is never easy no matter what our loved ones age is, but after the agognizing part of grief work has been tackled, life can be good again. It doesn't mean we forget our loved one....my brother has been gone for 36 years and I miss him terribly to this day. I have learned that life is good again even though the scar remains and I live life differently in order to accomodate the loss. I know my brother would want me to go on and be happy becuz I was only 5 days away from being 15 at the time of his death. I won't lie....it took 15 years before I took the first step in grieving his loss. I was miserable those first 15 years after his passing....but here I am today at 51 years old and at peace with myself and moving ahead.
If your feelings have paralyzed you....seek out a good grief counselor to help you work through your feelings and fears.
I wish you the best in moving forward (((((((Hugs))))))