Bereavement Support Group

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Death & Dying
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What Ifs and Should Haves

MissingHerSoMuch
MissingHerSoMuch
My mom passed away from metastatic cancer this month and I'm stuck in a tunnel of what if's and should have's. She was diagnosed mid-May and we were trying to understand what was happening to her. The oncologists said she was too weak for chemo or surgery and said hospice was the only other option. But was it...really? Since her passing, I'm doing all kinds of research. What if they had given her high dose Vitamin C intravenously? I didn't know that could even be done at the time but now I see it's part of some alternative cancer therapies/treatments, and it helps. Why the didn't the doctors suggest this? Why didn't they try harder to save her? Should I have tried harder? What else could I have done? As her caregiver, I feel tremendous guilt over not having done enough to help her. How can I get past these awful thoughts of having failed mom?
lovehodge
lovehodge
I don't think you failed your mom. The truth may be that even with trying more options, the could have's or what ifs will always remain. You did everything you could in those moments. Your mom was lucky to have you with her. I wish you peace with getting rid of this guilt. I am sorry you are in pain. Hugs.
vader
vader
my name is vader and I am sorry for your loss.The loss of a parent today is extremly hard and it has been 11 years since I lost my mother.She was 84 and died in a nursing home.I could not be with her at al.I moved to Seattle in 1995 and was coming home almost every 3 months to take care of her.It was costly and in time I couldnt do it no more.You did not fail your mom.You like the previous person stated did all that you could and your mother was just so lucky to have you.Please try to get into a grief therapry group as soon as you can and you can e mail me anytime.I will be here and others will be here for you.vader
MrsS42603
MrsS42603
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. I think it is very normal for us to think about how things might have been done differently after we lose someone we love.
My FIL died from lung cancer last year. I often wonder if things might have gone differently if he had gone to the doctor sooner when he started having severe hip pain. He waited 3 months until he finally had had enough. An MRI had revealed a mass on his spine and further testing determined that he had stage 4 lung cancer. Being given a year...maybe 2, to live, I think my FIL accepted that there wasn't really a whole lot that could be done for him and didn't want to suffer more than he had to. He refused to be a guinea pig and did not want to try any experimental or alternative treatments. My FIL was a very stubborn man, so arguing with him would have gotten us nowhere.
It is my sincere hope that you will be able to move past your feelings of guilt and be able to find peace in knowing that you did everything you could for your mom before she died.
lovehodge
lovehodge
I would like to make a correction on my original response. Your mom was blessed to have you with her. I don't want to imply that anything about this situation was lucky. Sorry if that offended you. Hugs!
mrsEmm2
mrsEmm2
It sounds like your mom died not too long after being diagnosed which means she was probably already in the advanced stages of her illness. It's hard to accept the loss of a loved one & I think it's somewhat normal to think more could have been done. Our emotions & thinking are not in the best shape. She wouldn't want you beating yourself up with such negative thoughts, you loved her, I'm sure that meant the most to her. I'm sorry for your loss.
deleted_user
deleted_user
So very sorry for your loss.

Please keep sharing. The wonderful people here have helped me tremendously.

I too look back and ask and wonder...my uncle passed last evening...he was in a nursing home & failing for three years...I did visit him...I sent cards & pictures...somehow I feel like I could have done more for him...hard for me when there are more questions and wonders than answers and assurances...

Wishing you peace.