Bereavement Support Group
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Not everyone knows, but in December my boyfriends son was killed unexpectedly in a single car crash. He was 22.
At first we communicated and then I could feel him pulling away. I did the most reasonable thing I could do and gave him space. Internally I was scared of losing him but knew it was the right thing to do.
Its been a struggle, I've given it more time between text messages and haven't heard anything from him by phone in over a month. He does answer back but it's short and usually a "thank you". Not much else.
I admit I was going through a myriad of emotions myself, but my turning point was when I was fixing my bedroom window the other day and the winds were so bad it whipped the window from the frame and tipped the ladder over.
I screamed out, "Why God??? I had no warning of this, no warning my relationship was going to change so suddenly!" A selfish thought but it just blurted out.
And then the slap of reality.......My boyfriend had no warning either, no warning that his life, and his son's life would change forever. I sat down and cried, really cried for how awful life is for him now.
I messaged him yesterday and heard back, right away. A simple exchange, just that I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and cannot imagine how hard this is for him.
I've realized its okay if he doesn't answer back, great if he does, and okay if he needs to be alone. Because I love him that much. And only want him to be okay again.
At first we communicated and then I could feel him pulling away. I did the most reasonable thing I could do and gave him space. Internally I was scared of losing him but knew it was the right thing to do.
Its been a struggle, I've given it more time between text messages and haven't heard anything from him by phone in over a month. He does answer back but it's short and usually a "thank you". Not much else.
I admit I was going through a myriad of emotions myself, but my turning point was when I was fixing my bedroom window the other day and the winds were so bad it whipped the window from the frame and tipped the ladder over.
I screamed out, "Why God??? I had no warning of this, no warning my relationship was going to change so suddenly!" A selfish thought but it just blurted out.
And then the slap of reality.......My boyfriend had no warning either, no warning that his life, and his son's life would change forever. I sat down and cried, really cried for how awful life is for him now.
I messaged him yesterday and heard back, right away. A simple exchange, just that I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and cannot imagine how hard this is for him.
I've realized its okay if he doesn't answer back, great if he does, and okay if he needs to be alone. Because I love him that much. And only want him to be okay again.
I remember your story and I am right there with you. It has been 15 months since my fiance lost his mother and I am certain I experienced a lot of the same [selfish] emotions as you. The question of 'what is going to happen to us'?, "why won't he let me in?' Why can't he find comfort in me?' When will he be happy again? will undoubtedly creep up. It is very selfish, yes, but it is very human as we are selfish by nature. You are a good person and you care about your man.
It has been 15 months for us and he is still not ok but he is getting there. in the last month we have been able to laugh again and show affection again. Sometimes it lasts a day sometimes he goes from laughing to crying in a matter of hours. It is a long process
Your situation is different, though. We expect to lose our parents in accordance with the natural order but losing a child is out of order and your man is experiencing a totally different heartbreak. He didn't just lose a son, he lost the grandchildren who would have come from him, he lost his legacy.
He is not in the head space to be in a romantic relationship right now, He may not know if he is coming or going right now. This is all still so very new to him and he has a ways to go in his healing. My uncle is a Pastor and grief counselor. He always tells the partner of the bereaved to give them space to heal for at least a full year. As you said, as much as this is hurting you, it is nothing compared to what he's feeling and one just doesn't bounce back from this.
Please continue to seek support outside your relationship. We are here for you. It will get better but it will take a while. Be patient and kind.
((hugs))
I feel differently now, and am grateful for any message that I get from him, no matter how short. I only feel love for him that I cannot express into words, it feels that powerful, and I need not be with him right now, unless he chooses to be with me. In my 50 years, I've never felt that kind of love for anyone, the "no matter what kind".
Hang in there.