I hated only being able to choose one person I was grieving for since grieving is such a long process for me. So here is the list of people who haunt me and why I miss them so much.

Brandon- My son. Born Mar 21, 1991 and died in my arms Mar 26, 1991. He lived such a short time but I miss him so much. I wish I could have known him longer.

Papaw- Died 2001. I never got to saw goodbye either. I guess that is why it still bothers me. But mostly I have made myself okay with it.

Clyde- my father-in-law- died of cancer in the nursing home I worked in at the time. It was very hard. I did the death care with the help of a friend. It was horrible watching him die like that. This was in 2005.

Chris- just two weeks later my nephew died in a car crash. He died a horrible death after being ejected from his vehicle. A tow truck driver stayed by his side until help came. I wish I could thank him.

Grandma T- We saw her in the nursing home on a road trip. I loved her so much. She had alzheimers and couldn't remember anyone, except me. It was hard seeing her eyes light up when she knew it was me. She died 2 weeks later.

Big Penny- died of a stroke. I cared for her in the hospital when I went to visit her in ICU. It was heartbreaking to see her family suffer through this. It was so sudden and in a week- she was gone.

Leslie- My best friend- was brutally murdered in front of her best friend and her best friends 4 children. Then the beast turned on his soon to be ex-wife. He shot her, stabbed her, beat her and took a machete to her. She barely survived and is a shell of who she was. The kids survived. I was the one who called for help because I couldn't get ahold of them. Minutes later and I would have lost two friends. I still am haunted with the "what if's"... what if I called sooner? What if I begged them not to go? It's very very hard to live with.

Grandma Foot- We were supposed to visit later in the week and found out she was in the hospital with heart trouble. She had turned around and was looking good. Then, a few days later, she died. I was devastated. She was such a wonderful person. Always happy, always inspirational, always upbeat. If I could be 1/2 as happy as she was, I would be elated.

And that is only the tip of the iceberg. There is the cousin that committed suicide, the friend that disappeared and found murdered, the friend that died in a car accident on a wet road. He died when a fence piece went through the windshield. The ladies I watched die in the nursing home that I worked in. The one that laid her head on my shoulder and never woke up. The one that rotted to death. The ones who died of coancer. Those who were healthy and just fell over dead. So many people did that I stopped keeping track of it when I filled my death diary.

It is just so hard. I can't work in a nursing home again. Either I would smoke or kill myself with drinking. It is too hard psychologically speaking. Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by death. Yet, I am told I have a gift and should work there. I was told not to work there for more than 7 years... I only worked 2 1/2 years and I am deeply scarred. Then to lose a friend... that was just too much on me.

Now I am workign on dealing with the pain and guilt of her death on top of all the others. I thought I would never stop crying. When I did, life just didn't have the same spark, the pizzazz was gone, the joy deceased with her. I am slowly learning to live again but it is a painful process and a lonely one.

I miss her more than anything. I can't remember grieving for anyone so hard, except my son. I think she is up there with him. I only knew her 7 years, but it was enough to haunt me forever.