fIRST OF ALL...YOU ALL ARE A SUPER GROUP AND WITH ALL OF THE SUPPORT..I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.bUT I HAVE BEEN trying to reorganize my life and when i found Brads notes...I was so hurt.Brad hated me in the end and he told me so.He told me that he was sorry but he couldnt deal with the moods and my mental illness.It hasnt progressed.It was getting better.Brad gave me 3 notes.One of them was a list of people that he wanted me to call.i called one of them and this is what happened.This person remarked to me that Brad had been depressed for quite some time and he knew all about it.But he did not want to get involved.He felt it was none of his business and he wouldnt know what to do.ALl he had to do was to tell Brad about the crisis line here in seattle which is 24 hours a day.The line would have put him in touch with people who would have helped him.Brad also told me that he felt that noone liked me and that he never liked himself.He felt so conscious of his 6 2 height and he was awkward meeting new people...but Brad told me that he did love me and the years with me were the best that he had in his life.Brad told me that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.HE WANTED ME TO STAY.HE WANTED ME TO STAY AND TAKE CARE OF THE CATS AND NOT GO AWAY.I PROMISED BRAD THAT MY CATS WONT BE LEFT ALONE AND I AM KEEPING IT.BRAD GAVE ME RENT MONEY UNTIL AUGUST.HE TOLD ME THIS...UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DID HE WANT ME TO PAY FOR HIS BURIAL.HE WANTED TO BE CREMATED.AND HE TOLD ME THIS...DO NOT TELL MY SISTER OR BROTHERS ANYTHING THAT I FIND IN THE HOUSE...CAUSE IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS AND HE DIDNT WANT THEM OVER EVEN TO MOW THE LAWN.HE LOVED FRANK AND STANLEY AND WISHED THAT HIS BROTHERS WERE LIKE MINE.BUT HE WAS TURNING AGAINST ME.YOU SEE BRAD WAS TALKING TO 3 MEN ON A GAY CHAT LINE.i DONT KNOW THEIR NAMES AND I WANT TO SAY THIS TO THEM...whoever you are...I dont hate you.I would like to meet you to tell you that you are not at responsible for what has happened.you are doing your job and it is against the lines rules for anyone to see or date their customers,even for coffee in seattle.it is against the rules.I found out.These men probably are college kids who need the money and I refuse to jeopardize their careers.I refuse.It is none of my business.As for me...to all as of 6/16/09...I will be attending a 4 week class on jobs....after the 4 weeks are over...you are given tests...and they decide and talk to the seattle employers.I have to make a resume and it is hard.Brad had mine and he inflated it and you cant lie on a resume today..it would cost me a job before I get one.As for me...I am giving away some of Brads clothes and some of his shoes.And when the time comes..I am in the process of getting a roommate..you see I am staying at the house and i refuse to leave.I have got a house and it is more important to me to have my privacy now.Brad was sick.He had a mental illness.It is called alcoholism.He was also a drug addict.He was smoking crack heavily and he wasnt in his right mind.Brad loved Greenwood.He loved the peace and quiet here.He didnt want me to move and I wont.I have promised Brad that I wll stay.Before he died...Brad saw my wallet and he opened his wallet..."Heres a 100.00.Take it,.get a new wallet...this one looks shot to hell.get one today and i finally got the wallet plus I got new sunglasses.I collect sunglasses and the cheap kind were hurting my eyes.In Fred Meyer..i got a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt sunglasses that Brad would have liked.They were on sale and i feel a bit better..Alcohol is heredity.On Brads father side....Brads grandfather died at 40...during the Depression,.He had a bottle of whiskey under the bed when Brads grandmother found him.Brads aunt died in an aslymum..It was alcohol..and do did various people on Brads father side.On his mothers side...she was always secretive..but she drank also...and they would fight..And Brads parents added to the problem.And I will tell you why.....In the mid 1970s...where they were living in Yakima....Washington...Brad claimed there was a lot of underage drinking.I know that this is true.It was true in my hometown.But other towns dealth with the problems secretively.When Brad got to be a teenager...and this problem was starting.They did not go for help.They told Brad this...drink at home.Thats right...they let Brad drink at home.Brad was allowed to drink at 14.And they allowed his friends to have drinking in the house and when this happens...this was an accident to be happen.What normal parent allows this? Brads other brothers and sister got into trouble back then with alcohol and drugs.But Brads drinking wasnt addressed and whoever allows their kid to behave this way at home shows that they are not dealing with the problem and this is what Brad told me.He hated to drink.But he liked the feeling of total power.All Ican say is this...NO MORE MEN FOR ME.THIS IS IT AND I MEAN IT.I HAVE HAD 3 LOVES AND ALL OF THEM ENDED TRAGICALLY AND THIS IS IT.
I PROMISED BRAD TO TAKE CARE OF THIS HOUSE AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE IT.AND I HAVE REALIZED AGAIN THAT MY BRAD WAS SICK ...BECAUSE ALCOHOL WAS THE CULPRIT.150 YEARS AGO...A LADY NAMED Carrie Nation went on a crusade against the bars and saloons.SHe had an ax and would chop them up.She was the leading person for Prohibition.SO lets have it again..LETS BAN ALL ALCOHOL...I MEAN WHO CAN DRINK NOW WITH THIS ECONOMY? going out is expensive..even I cant go out.I go out every day to have coffee and read the paper...a boy needs a father until he is 28 and he needs a mans imput in his life.He needs to know the difference between right and wrong and he needs to know what is right.By telling a little kid that a drink will solve their problem just makes him more angry.Look how unhappy the COlumbine boys were? It was because of drug,depression and alcohol.Lets tell our boy children....that they are loved.lets tell our boy children not everyone is a ball or football player.Lets tell our boy children that leadership doesnt depend on a bottle.But a true leader follows his conscience and prays to the Almighty for Guidance like the 16th President..Abraham Lincoln..Lets follow his example.And I cant wait to go to class.I have to leave my cell phone home..no cell phones are allowed in class and this is my new experience and I know that Brad is in heaven.I felt it today and i felt 100% forgiveness..but lets ban alcohol...even at these fraternity parties.