Bereavement Support Group
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Hi All,
I am a new member. My father passed away just over 8 years ago (the anniversary was just 10 days ago). It may seem strange that I'm joining now, after all this time... but I haven't really had the chance to actually deal with my "stuff" surrounding his death. He passed away from an aortic aneurysm after being in the ER for almost 8 hours... he was finally admitted, and a half hour later, he sat up, said "I'm dizzy" and died.
I never got to see my father that day. As is my tendency, and that of my family's, it was my job to go home and clean (the hospital had new rules about not letting more than 3 people back at a time. Because my mom and two brothers went back, I kind of was stuck). So I went home, I made cookies for the EMTs, and I cleaned.
This is so much messier to describe than I thought it would be... so much happened at the time, and then unfolded over the last years. I don't even know how to keep telling my story.
When we got the call, the panic and pandemonium began, and it didn't really settle down for 2 or so years. My mom basically lost her mind. My older brother threw fits and ended up moving out in a big dramatic scene after a few months. My younger brother had unhealthy relationships, and was incredibly angry all the time. We ended up finding out some information that led us to suing for malpractice. The majority of the last 8 years has been taken up just by the potential court dates, depositions, and mitigation meetings that seemingly occurred at random.
I did what I could. I held on to the friends that I could. But my one best friend was hours away at a different college. My other best friend didn't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend at the time... well, he did what he could, but we ended up staying together for 10 additional months just because he was the last guy my dad met who I dated.
Basically, I lived in a fog for many months, then decided that I had the choice to sit down and wallow in it, or to keep moving forward. I chose to keep moving forward. What else can you really do?
Now, the edges of the emotions are somewhat smoother. They don't knock me out when I think about my dad. But, even writing this post brings tears to my eyes. And even though I know that it's ok to miss him, I feel like I've not really processed all that it means to miss him. I just haven't had the opportunity to slow down long enough.
I am a new member. My father passed away just over 8 years ago (the anniversary was just 10 days ago). It may seem strange that I'm joining now, after all this time... but I haven't really had the chance to actually deal with my "stuff" surrounding his death. He passed away from an aortic aneurysm after being in the ER for almost 8 hours... he was finally admitted, and a half hour later, he sat up, said "I'm dizzy" and died.
I never got to see my father that day. As is my tendency, and that of my family's, it was my job to go home and clean (the hospital had new rules about not letting more than 3 people back at a time. Because my mom and two brothers went back, I kind of was stuck). So I went home, I made cookies for the EMTs, and I cleaned.
This is so much messier to describe than I thought it would be... so much happened at the time, and then unfolded over the last years. I don't even know how to keep telling my story.
When we got the call, the panic and pandemonium began, and it didn't really settle down for 2 or so years. My mom basically lost her mind. My older brother threw fits and ended up moving out in a big dramatic scene after a few months. My younger brother had unhealthy relationships, and was incredibly angry all the time. We ended up finding out some information that led us to suing for malpractice. The majority of the last 8 years has been taken up just by the potential court dates, depositions, and mitigation meetings that seemingly occurred at random.
I did what I could. I held on to the friends that I could. But my one best friend was hours away at a different college. My other best friend didn't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend at the time... well, he did what he could, but we ended up staying together for 10 additional months just because he was the last guy my dad met who I dated.
Basically, I lived in a fog for many months, then decided that I had the choice to sit down and wallow in it, or to keep moving forward. I chose to keep moving forward. What else can you really do?
Now, the edges of the emotions are somewhat smoother. They don't knock me out when I think about my dad. But, even writing this post brings tears to my eyes. And even though I know that it's ok to miss him, I feel like I've not really processed all that it means to miss him. I just haven't had the opportunity to slow down long enough.
It bothers me a lot that your brothers would not rotate out so you could see your dad in the ER. When my dad was in recovery from his first heart bypass operation we rotated in and out. Mom got first priority; I claimed first born and took second visit; then my sister; then various inlaws; finally select friends.
It worked.
Do you have a final court date? It sounds like your brain is holding onto that as the final piece in the process before you can finalize your grieving process.
Gentle hugs
When you said you could either wallow in your grief or move forward, I think you needed to wallow in it. That is what we feel like we are not supposed to do. Society tells us we should be this Lion, brave in the face of tragedy. I lost my sister a few months ago and I am still insane about it, I had no problem wallowing in it.
I felt I deserved it. She meant so much to me and we had a relationship that no one could ever understand or replace. You don't get past that easily. You deserve the time to be selfish and let yourself be in the grief and just be sad.
The court stuff also kept you sad and traumatized. One thing I know is that when someone passes away it can cause a firestorm of never ending crap, from finances, medical stuff, business decisions, etc. In a lot of cases things don't just close with the death. It's also like you couldn't grieve for him personally because your mother broke down, your brothers broke down, the court stuff took up time. It looks like 8 years later it's your time to start getting some kind of closure. Dont' think you have to be strong. We all need to just be broken down about our grief for a while. Get it out.
The doctor wasn't sure what was wrong with my dad (because the doctor didn't follow protocols). At one point, the doctor told my mom that he thought my dad had a gall stone. He actually was supposed to be discharged at around 12 pm (he went into the ER at around 9). I don't think it was malicious, they ended up leaving after a bit, but by that point my dad was having difficulty with the pain and didn't really want anyone in his room.
The only reason my dad didn't end up discharged was because my mom could see how much pain he was in (my dad was very stoic, and didn't like hospitals). At that point, I think my brothers were back home with me (or maybe just one of them was), and I was just trying to go about my day. None of us expected that he would die. That never really crossed our minds at all. My dad was overweight, but otherwise pretty healthy. He had actually lost quite a bit of weight the year before when he battled with depression. It happened out of nowhere, and it shouldn't have happened at all. My dad died of an aneurysm, but was one of the few people who showed early warning signs, so if the doctor had followed protocols, they would have figured it out early in the day and they could have operated. Hence, the lawsuit. Most people, aneurysms happen so fast, without warning. Or they only have maybe an hour of warning. My dad started feeling bad at 8:30 in the morning and didn't die until 5:45 that night. They could have saved him, but they didn't do what they should have.
The legal stuff definitely kept everything fresh. It also caused my mom to wallow in hatred/anger/irrational vengeance for a long time. It was really her reactions to the legal battle that made it so much harder to bear. We actually never went to court. The hospital where we were located is like a Big Business there. They contract out their workers and don't really care about anything but money. They settle 99% of their cases to keep it out of the public eye.
I regret not being in the hospital with him. But I regret more that I didn't talk to him that morning before we both left for work. I was running late, and I heard him talking to my mom, and I just didn't stop in to say goodbye.
Don't get me wrong, HollowHeart, I did wallow in it for a good 6 months. I was in a fog or a daze, or whatever metaphor you want to put to it. I stayed with my then boyfriend for far too long because he was the last guy my dad would meet. I almost broke up with him after I came out of my daze, then it was just too painful, too much loss again, so we stayed together for another almost 6 months.
Sorry if this is confusing. I did do a bit of basic grieving. I skipped classes, I skipped out on events/conferences that would have helped me down the road with my schooling. I got C's when I normally got A's (B's from my psych teacher who knew how badly I'd been thrown off... my dad died the Friday before Spring semester started). I muddled through the best I could, but I certainly wasn't "right" with the amount of grief I felt.
HollowHeart, I am sorry for your loss... I'm glad you have the space to be in that place of loss. Thank you, and thanks PepperMan for your kind words.