Murder brutal and bloody is hard and I have been through it. I have learned it is hard no matter what but you will get by and get better.

So very sorry for your loss aloneishard...

Please be kind to yourself...the passing of anyone we love is a trauma...in my experience (6 losses in 6 years) I have found that if a person has not been through loss they do not understand how all encompassing and multifaceted grief is.

It is hard to be alone...glad you are sharing...the wonderful people here have helped me tremendously.

I am finding that i will need to reinvent my self. Get out of the house and be amoung people. To sit home and cry isn't getting me anyplace. I just do not know where to start

Aloneishard...I admire your acknowledging that you need to get out & reinvent yourself.

Different people have different losses and find themselves in a position that is similar to yours...to share somethings that I've tried and done - if of any value to you - I attend a monthly bereavement group meeting at a local funeral home - the meetings offer hope & many share how they have coped & some friendships have developed...I volunteer for simple easy to do small commitment things at my place of faith...I tutored GED candidates for a few months...

Others I know, who are widowed, have joined widow / widowers groups & gone back to school.

Best to you!

Thank you for sharing AloneIsHard. My mother in law died in July. She had cancer, battled for 10 years. I'm divorced from her son, didn't have any money to get back to Idaho for the funeral, and then tried to call my father in law but phone was disconnected. So finally got a hold of him yesterday, he sounded miserable. We spoke about getting through the holidays and his sadness poured out, but he covers it with a bit of hostility. Your post gives me more insight as to what he is feeling. Thanks

WinterBlossom and Hamley, Thanks for your posts. As I sit here for another evening it does me good to read what you have posted. Thanks for your sharing.
I read someplace the other day: Every moment is an opportunity to help someone.
Sharing pain can sometimes make it more palatable.
Thanks

Hi aloneishard,

I am so sorry for your loss. After losing both my parents, I am now keenly aware of how difficult grief is. It truly is thousands of emotions that are only discovered one at a time. I really appreciate your putting that in words.

I too think it is good that you are acknowledging you need people. Can you start out slowly, by maybe meeting someone for dinner or a movie, or just a long walk together? It is hard to be motivated, I know, but just a little thing, with warm human contact can help. It also gives you a chance to talk through your loss a bit. Maybe you could join a class learning something you find interesting? Right now, I know that something....anything that gets me moving is helpful.

We do understand. I have already found support here, and understanding from people who have been in the same place.

Take care. One day at a time, with little baby steps to get your hope back.

Tekla

i am so sorry that you are so sad. Grief is something that stays with us for a long time.
In time you will find a new normal.
Its great that you acknowledge that you have to get out there but its 1 step at a time.
Maybe find a walking group or a group that does things you enjoy.
Just try one thing at a time and maybe little by little your life will become fuller.
I know you werent prepared for your wifes death so you have suffered a very traumatic event. Be gentle with yourself
Hugs Deb

It is comforting to read the replies, it really is.
Now if everyone would just come over, give me a hug and let me hold a hand for the evening that would be great. I have been told I don't know how to ask for help. I am practicing on my computer friends, the request felt real to me.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife and all that you have been through. I lost my husband to divorce in 1999 and I am not comparing that to your kind of loss but just that I have had to face some level of the loss of a spouse. I had 4 children to raise alone as he stepped out of all our lives in an instant with no warning. I lost my 14 year old daughter, my youngest child, in Oct., 2012 after a short 6 month courageous battle with T-Cell Lymphoma, which is an extremely rare cancer in children. I know exactly what you mean about friends and being there for you and the speaking a different language - and being left so very alone. It happened when my husband left us and again when my little girl died.

I love your idea, request, of everyone coming over to your place and talking and holding hands and hugs. Wouldn't that be so wonderful. I don't understand why it is so hard to find others where each of us lives. And I thank God for the internet and this site where we have all been lead to and join together.

Some things that I found to help me through this unimanginable pain and loneliness - I found a part time job that does not require me to make any major decisions. I love the people I work with and my boss. It is something I enjoy doing very much and gives me a place to go and to keep busy, and compensates me too. I like to go to the library too as it is a relaxed place where I can go anytime and be around other people. There is a community center next to it but I have not tried going there yet. There is a university here and they put different things on for the general public during the year and is sometimes free. My church is my biggest place of refuge. There it is just between me and God and is so comforting to me. All of my "friends" attend too but now I only get one or two hello's and hugs per month there (if I'm lucky) and they all say we have to go for coffee or meet for breakfast or go walking, and then never hear from them or they have excuses when I call. Of course they all have children who were in school with my daughter and I'm sure makes them uncomfortable. It also makes me an outsider now. My life evolved around my kids. my friends were other parents and teachers. The places I went were school plays and sports and parent conferences etc.. I too have been trying to find my way through this re-creating myself.

Another thing that I think has already been suggested is to find a "class" of some kind that interests you so you can find others of same interests. Learn how to make stained glass windows or to draw or paint. If you have or like dogs/animals try a training class or go to the animal shelter. Something with cars or hunting and archery. I have never kayaked before and want to take a class for it this summer. It is something my daughter and I had planned to do and just bought a kayak the month before she got sick so never got that chance. She wanted to get into archery and never got the chance so I want to find an archery class (is there such a thing for adults?).

This place here is also my refuge. It really has saved my sanity and maybe my life. I haven't been coming here very long but the timing of finding this place was a God thing. Peace and Hugs to you.

aloneishard.....I am so sorry for your loss, Cancer is such a horrible disease. I had not had any connection to it, until August 2012. My mom was diagnosed then and only lived 6 weeks. It was an eye opener. The reason I am here is, my husband of 37 years died suddenly from heart complications. We have two grown children, one still lives at home with me. At his service, so many people said they would be there for me, but I have seen few. I get phone calls now and then, but everyone seems so busy. We were retired, living a very nice life, traveling a little, just being together all of the time. I was in a state of shock, didnt even have a clue to what I was going to face. I had to get out of my comfort zone, doing so many handyman type jobs, that my husband used to do so well. It actually felt good, knowing I could accomplish them. I try to get out every day, even if it is just to the grocery store. Now I walk my dog downtown, where there are alot of people and dogs. It actually makes me feel less alone. Please feel free to write anytime, we can support each other. Take care...Patricia

I lost my husband after 9 months of illness. I strongly recommend you look for a grief support group. In my area they are run by the churches and the local hospital and also the hospice groups. From mine which I didn't think was very good, I did learn that grief is a process and the holidays are the worst time of year. I also learned that you have to learn to restructure your life.

I recently met a man who lost his wife suddenly and about your age. He felt exactly the same way as you do.

As to where to start... get out and do something you enjoy. Look around work. Around here there is a dating group called "just lunch". If you're working, try to join a lunch group. Take small steps.

Wow, I dont think I am as alone as I thought I was. Although the grief shared here by everyone may have different roots, we are all speaking the same language. That alone is comforting to me.

hiya
I cant come over because I am in New Zealand but I am sending kind thoughts your way.
Your loss is so recent that you must be feeling completely lost.
I am sorry you are so sad.
Many of us grieve alone despite being surrounded by people.
Take care
Hugs Deb

i hear you, thats all i can say