I have a cold, so I am staying at home so I don't get everyone else sick. This isn't what I need right now. This New Years Eve will be my first without my dad (he passed in October). When the clock strikes midnight we will enter a new year. A year where my dad would have turned 80. A year that he will not physically be here.

There has been a lot of great things that happened this year, but it is overshadowed by the last 6 months which has been so incredibly rough. There have been so many things this year that have been hard on me:

1. Transitioned to a new market within my team which means that I switched managers. Many times during the transition I felt set up for failure. I have a hard time communicating with my new manager. I don't feel like part of a team any more. There has been and is so much pressure on me.

2. My father passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, and peacefully at the beginning of October. I miss him every day. He'll never meet my children. I'll never play any more games with him. There are so many things that won't happen again. I hope I made him proud. 

3. A week later my (maternal) grandfather passed away. I mourn the loss of a close relationship that never formed with him. I see many of my friends have a close relationship with their grandfathers, but I didn't. He thought of me as less than because I was female and did not believe in God. He pitted people against each other through his actions. I still wish I could have been close with him.

I'm seeing a therapist to help work through things, so I feel good about taking action to process. I am sick of crying when I don't want to...I'm sick of crying period. I'm overcome with sadness and hopelessness. Most of the time I just want to crawl into my covers where it is safe and warm.

I miss feeling happy.