I have a cold, so I am staying at home so I don't get everyone else sick. This isn't what I need right now. This New Years Eve will be my first without my dad (he passed in October). When the clock strikes midnight we will enter a new year. A year where my dad would have turned 80. A year that he will not physically be here.
There has been a lot of great things that happened this year, but it is overshadowed by the last 6 months which has been so incredibly rough. There have been so many things this year that have been hard on me:
1. Transitioned to a new market within my team which means that I switched managers. Many times during the transition I felt set up for failure. I have a hard time communicating with my new manager. I don't feel like part of a team any more. There has been and is so much pressure on me.
2. My father passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, and peacefully at the beginning of October. I miss him every day. He'll never meet my children. I'll never play any more games with him. There are so many things that won't happen again. I hope I made him proud.
3. A week later my (maternal) grandfather passed away. I mourn the loss of a close relationship that never formed with him. I see many of my friends have a close relationship with their grandfathers, but I didn't. He thought of me as less than because I was female and did not believe in God. He pitted people against each other through his actions. I still wish I could have been close with him.
I'm seeing a therapist to help work through things, so I feel good about taking action to process. I am sick of crying when I don't want to...I'm sick of crying period. I'm overcome with sadness and hopelessness. Most of the time I just want to crawl into my covers where it is safe and warm.
I miss feeling happy.
I have felt monitored for a long time. Fear has been a huge factor in my life since 1999. I have nothing to hide. Yet people feel the need to punish me and trick me. I have had more done to me, than I ever did to anyone else. This is the truth.
Please call me Andy. I'm dx'd with situational PTSD, beginning Feb. 2nd 2018. At that time my wife of 24 years died as I was administering CPR. The first few days and weeks were indescribable. I have no idea, looking back, how I survived. Now it's Feb. again, and it's like wave after wave of intensely tangled emotions, and near panic every morning. By afternoon I'm exhausted and...