Bereavement Support Group
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I had to write this column.It has touched a nerve in me but someone asked me today how will i spend the July 4th Holidays.And I replied,,,,"In grief".It was 13 months on the 22nd of June that Brad took his life.It was 13 months that I held his lifeless body in my arms where this big teddy bear died.And It was 13 months of trying to forget and move on.But after 13 months,I discovered that I cant.The trauma of Brad dying is just guilt to me.I did not know that he was depressed.Brad wasnt a holiday person.He hated them and very seldom did we celebrate,but one holiday that he loved was July 4th.What does July 4th mean to you? Well,July 4th is the birthday of America and we have come a long way but I dont think that all of the sales and such are necessary.I think of July 4th as part of a reflection and in no time it will be Christmas and I will have to go with this again.I told the land lord that I cant stay here much longer.The rent is 1100 and I cant seem to find a job or a roommate.Noone is hiring in seattle and i was told that I was too old.But I did pay the rent (Igave him half and I pray that he will accept it).my leg is still bad,in fact it is stiff and it is bad every time I walk and I am in very bad pain and I dont know how this happened.The July 4th holiday should be one of reflection.I am reflecting now what to do with the rest of my life.I dont know who long i will live but i hope that I will have the funds to live a good life.But I am in grief.I still cry every day.Yesterday i went to the bus station and I put my head down and I wept and I wept because Brad is not here.If you like fireworks like Brad did,you can watch it on tv.I went to the fireworks show once and the crowd was amazing and I almost didnt make it home.But the loudness of the fireworks gave me a headache and i had nausea from it all.So how can we celebrate when we are grieving? Understanding that what has happened in Brads suicide...it wASNT MY FAULT.NOONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WHAT HAPPENED AND IF THAT HAPPENS,HIT THEM ON THE HEAD.Noone knows what another person is thinking.You see Brad and i were two different people and I have always maintained my own interests.I will spend July 4th,going out for coffee at starbucks and reading the paper.I will spend July 4th wearing my black dress.I will spend July 4th not at the mall..but at home trying to clean the place up since I hurt my leg(I cant clean) it is a mess.I will spend July 4th reflecting about my wonderful parents and father.I will spend July 4th grieving and sometimes I will cry.So if I am not interested in the parades,picnics or sales remember we are grieving.I will spend July 4th thinking about my future for it doesnt look so good.But I did something this July 4th that I never did.I forgave my mother for all her years of verbal and physical abuse.I realize now that my late mother had problems and they were something that were out of her control.She was just so lonely after my father died,she didnt know what to do with herself.Lets reflect on July 4th about the quality of life.Let us celebrate
life...not death.I will always love Brad and he will always be my soulmate.And if i could find a reason,,i would be happy.I will spend July 4th looking at the fireworks at home and thinking of what Brad did not see.Lets remember them.Lets remember the good stuff and remember this the holidays are what you make them and we make allowances and look to what we have instead of what we lost.Love vader and the cats.
life...not death.I will always love Brad and he will always be my soulmate.And if i could find a reason,,i would be happy.I will spend July 4th looking at the fireworks at home and thinking of what Brad did not see.Lets remember them.Lets remember the good stuff and remember this the holidays are what you make them and we make allowances and look to what we have instead of what we lost.Love vader and the cats.
Tom B. aka Ihman
Tom B. aka Ihman
My best friend was killed 3 years ago at age 21, his first tour of duty to Iraq, along with thousands of others since then. I use this day to think especially of him and the men and women still there!
I cant help but to think, what a spectacualr show our loved ones must have up there!
I understand you're greiving, but you have to want to help yourself, and TRY to look for the positives , in life, even if they are small.
Looking back on the deaths of alll your family members, and how much you miss them, is only going to keep you in a state of mournign. Instead, you could be finding what your purpose here in life is, and making strides towards making a difference.
I pray that you are able to find some closure, and move forward, .. not forgetting but understanding that Brad is dead, b/c he had made poor choices. He was physically and verbally abusive as you've said many times before, and was absuing drugs. He died, high and not knowing what he was doing, where he was.. it was the drugs that killed him, and you couldnt have done anything to help him.
Coming to grips wiht that, and not glorifying him all the time and talking about what a spectacualr man he was, and recognizing that he was abusive, and abusing drugs, by choice may help you , come to terms with his death.
Im not at all trying to hurt you by saying this, but I feel like sometimes you make him out to be an amazing person, but fail to mention all the really horrible things he did to you, leading up to his death. It doesnt make him a bad person, but he needs to take responsiblity to his actions..
I fear that you wont have a home much longer, is you continue to follow this road. There is a point when you have to make choices. Choosing to turn off you cable tv and internet is a huge savings in money. You mention being at starbucks. but say you havent eaten in 3 days , last week in a post?
Starbucks is 4-5 dollars.. a very un-necessary expense. And there are certianly much less expensive ways to celebrate the holiday, for free.
1100 for rent is ALOT . Espcially for just you and the cats. You could be living in a 1 bedroom apartment for about half that .
I feel for you, and hope that you can start to make progress in moving forward.. and find a stable home.
I know brad loved you-- and that will never change. Its just accepting that he had his faults ..