today is the fall equinox and the start of fall.It is the time of a new harvest and yet today I am stmied.You see 16 months ago today I found my Brads body in the yard and I knew he was dead.I held him in my arms and he gave up the ghost and he died in my arms and i let out a scream.I started to cry.What do I do now and where do I begin? Brad was looking forward to seein my brother.We were suppose to go to a Mariners game.And I will never know why Brad ended his life but today I am so fill of hard emotions.I feel so alone and I feel so empty.And I have tried to be nice and i have tried to reach out and I dont know where I went wrong.You see before his suicide,Brad was drinking heavily and he was getting meaner and meaner.He threaten to kill me and the cats and I was afraid to leave him because of this. And I tried to leave him but all of the shelters were full and i had literally had no place to go.Brad died in my arms like I said and I was so overwhelmed that I did nt k iow my elbow from a hole in the ground.Before he died,when he was sober Brad gave me a Xmas gift of perfume....(which I still have.) He brought me a bureau for all of my papers and he brought me a new bed.He would even buy me Macdonalds big Mac with french fries and then I realized he was just so far gone that I couldnt save him.I tried to get Brad into rehab.This rehab would have been rehab number 13 and he so despeartatley wanted to get sober.He really hated to drink and I hate drinks also.I have never even tasted beer.What does beer taste like?I have never even had a sex on the beach and I would like anyone who knows what this drink is to tell me what it is because i dont know.But today i realized that I failed to get Brad into rehab.I failed Brad and I am so sorry and when you fail...you cannot love again.I still Brad.We were togther for twelve years and we did things together.We managed apartments.We shopped.We danced.We went cross country and I will say this ...I will never know why this beautfiul man of 49 killed himself and I am just so sorry i didnt pick up his signals and I am sorry now because right now I am in extreme pain and today i cried the whole day and I went to the bus stop and i just vomited.I just so sick.And if I said anything to offend anyone I am truly sorry Brad always said i had hoof and mouth disease.ANd I failed him miserably.
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