Bereavement Support Group
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Whether you lost someone recently or it's been years, grief and its accompanying emotions can be complicated to cope with. Join our online support group to connect with a supportive group of people who really know how you feel. Help is right here.
today is the fall equinox and the start of fall.It is the time of a new harvest and yet today I am stmied.You see 16 months ago today I found my Brads body in the yard and I knew he was dead.I held him in my arms and he gave up the ghost and he died in my arms and i let out a scream.I started to cry.What do I do now and where do I begin? Brad was looking forward to seein my brother.We were suppose to go to a Mariners game.And I will never know why Brad ended his life but today I am so fill of hard emotions.I feel so alone and I feel so empty.And I have tried to be nice and i have tried to reach out and I dont know where I went wrong.You see before his suicide,Brad was drinking heavily and he was getting meaner and meaner.He threaten to kill me and the cats and I was afraid to leave him because of this. And I tried to leave him but all of the shelters were full and i had literally had no place to go.Brad died in my arms like I said and I was so overwhelmed that I did nt k iow my elbow from a hole in the ground.Before he died,when he was sober Brad gave me a Xmas gift of perfume....(which I still have.) He brought me a bureau for all of my papers and he brought me a new bed.He would even buy me Macdonalds big Mac with french fries and then I realized he was just so far gone that I couldnt save him.I tried to get Brad into rehab.This rehab would have been rehab number 13 and he so despeartatley wanted to get sober.He really hated to drink and I hate drinks also.I have never even tasted beer.What does beer taste like?I have never even had a sex on the beach and I would like anyone who knows what this drink is to tell me what it is because i dont know.But today i realized that I failed to get Brad into rehab.I failed Brad and I am so sorry and when you fail...you cannot love again.I still Brad.We were togther for twelve years and we did things together.We managed apartments.We shopped.We danced.We went cross country and I will say this ...I will never know why this beautfiul man of 49 killed himself and I am just so sorry i didnt pick up his signals and I am sorry now because right now I am in extreme pain and today i cried the whole day and I went to the bus stop and i just vomited.I just so sick.And if I said anything to offend anyone I am truly sorry Brad always said i had hoof and mouth disease.ANd I failed him miserably.
You didn't fail him miserably. On the contrary. In spite of everything that happened you were with him until the end. Acceptance is a gift of love and you loved him until he died in your arms. You gave him everything. There was nothing more to give.
I know it is difficult to accept but it was not your fault. It wasn't Brad's fault either. Once a person is caught in the web of alcoholism it is very difficult to get out and nobody who has been there could blame you or Brad for what happened. Sometimes we simply can't find the door so death seems like the only option.
I am so sorry for you loss .....
HUGS
Silvia
Monday was one year since I lost my Glenn (AKA Clyde. I was working to make extra money as we were in very poor shape. He hated me working extra and he would make it super hard for me to leave. He had lost his brother a month before and was very upset about this. He had never lost anyone and I guessed that he just needed to work through it in his own way.
Before I left, he began talking very dark - he told me he had found a rope. I told him to smarten up and not to expect me to sit around and listen to him talk stupid. Now there's a caring wife for ya.
When I got home at 10:00 that night, there he was. He had locked the door to the garage and turned off the power to the overhead door. I had to climb the fence to even get in my yard. My dog was outside and was clearly upset about something, the door to the house was wide open too. I remember turning on the light and thinking that I was glad that his truck was still there and he hadden't gone and done something stupid with it. Then I saw him. I think I must have stood there a full minute before I got my head around what I was looking at. Even then, I half expected him to look up and say some smart ass thing like - So, how do you like me now? That would have been just like him. Well, no. Not this time.
The worst part was the 911 operater told me I had to cut him down. I did it, but it was horrible. I heard his head hit the cement and when the paramedics came I told them that maybe I did it because of his hitting his head.
Anyway - I just joined and your post is the first I've read. So, there is at least one other person out there who has to live with this sick feeling.
I can really sympathize with you. I couldn't have screwed up worse if I tried. One really wrong decidion and it's changed my entire life.
Take care and maybe we can get better together.
I am so sorry for your losses. It saddens me that both of you blame yourselves. The 'if onlys' can eat you up, they can destroy you. I think it's normal to blame ourselves when such a tragedy happens.
Nine years ago, I moved from my home state to be with my husband. I was living just minutes away from my sister, Sandy. When she was murdered last September, I often thought, what if i wouldn't have moved, maybe we would have been out to dinner, or she would have been at my house instead of home alone. I questioned my choice to move. I still do sometimes. When we love someone so much it's only natural we want to protect them. However, we can not protect them from themselves, disease or evil people. I am learning to cherish the years I had with my sister. It's hard. It's very hard. I miss her terribly. I moved back to my home state, to the same city I was living in 9 years ago. I'm now closer to all my family and I feel closer to Sandy too. I visit the cemetary often. I talk to her all the time. She just can't answer. I too have felt like I failed her. I so wanted to be able to protect her. But how are any of us to know what the future holds. Life can change and does change in an instant.
So to the two of you, I say try as hard as you can to let go of the 'if onlys'. cherish the great time you had with Brad and Clyde. I know it's hard, it's a slow process, be kind to yourselves.
S