I joined this site so I could join an online support group. There aren't too many in my area, and the ones that do exist seem to be exclusive to widows/widowers, or they only occur in the evening which is when I work. I will be seeking individual counseling but will have to wait a bit for my first appt. I'm extremely frustrated with the lack of support from my family, the apathy of my coworkers, and random strangers that don't smile back at me or say excuse me in the store. I feel alone. I feel isolated. 

I lost my grandfather last year in December, and I just lost my grandmother on Wednesday of this week. I watched both of them die. I want to add that I was raised by my grandparents, and having been a "failure to launch", I lived with them all through college and well into my first big girl job. My grandfather's death was sudden, and it hit me hard. I cried for days and then daily for months. The grief is very much still present, but I had just been learning some ways to cope, mostly art. I felt the push to "create."

My grandmother had been in poor health for years and her mind had been deteriorating rapidly with dementia. My grandfather had been her primary caretaker before he died, and then my aunt took on that role when he died. I had made a commitment to myself that I would spend more time with my grandma. I have so many regrets about not visiting my grandfather more. There are reasons why I could not and reasons why I did not (swing shift, full-time job, and I have a toddler) but that doesn't mean anything when it comes to those pesky emotions (guilt and regret.) Not to mention the fact that I did make time for my grandfather. It just never would have been enough for me.

When I would go see my grandmother, about half of the time she didn't recognize me. Most of the time, she was just confused, but others, she was scared or suspicious or somewhat angry. She seemed to remember me after a little time, and my son always brought a smile to her face. I didn't spend enought time with her either, and I am filled with the same regret and the same shame and the same disgust I have had with myself for the past year, except now it's infinitely more intense. 

Last year, I was quick to tears with volcanic lava anger bubbling just beneath the surface. It burst through often. This time, my pain is all on the surface. I don't feel like I can compartmentalize at all. I had to go back to work the day after she died, and I just felt angry. My job does not allow for a lack of composure. I work in an acute psychiatric unit where I am supposed to facilitate groups and teach people skills. I feel like I have none right now. I have attempted to take more time, but that is not an option right now. I don't know how I'm going to get through work next week. I work 6 out of 7 days, and my coworkers have not shown themselves to be supportive. 

I know this is all over the place, but I need to get this out. All day today, I have felt awful and weird and a little scared that I might be having a heart attack. I do have anxiety issues, but I have never experienced anything like this. I have been short of breath all day. I have had significant upper abdominal pain that won't go away. It feels like heartburn, but it only goes away briefly with antacids. I have become all of my sharp edges and exploded at my husband over how to take down the christmas tree. Later on in the evening, I did vomit and now I'm feeling better, but that pain has not subsided. It's just underneath my ribcage, right in the center, and my breath is still short. I've calmed slightly. Anyhow, thanks for listening. I feel totally lost and would love any guidance on how to cope at work or at home or even some encouraging words would be helpful.