Bereavement Support Group
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My best friend of 15 years passed away suddenly last week and I feel so lost. We talked all the time on the phone, but I didn't see her much because my husband and I tried to stay away due to her prescription drug abuse and alcohol abuse.
So many times I tried to talk to her about getting help, and she just would tell me what I wanted to hear. Now she's gone, and I feel like I should have DRAGGED her to rehab or done more for her. The guilt I feel over this is unbearable.
Then there's the anger. The person who was supplying her with the drugs had the nerve to make a speech at her funeral! He claimed he loved her very much, and that she was his "girlfriend". However, I know she never was. She told me countless times that she needed to stop hanging out with him because she wanted to get away from the drugs. She'd do OK for maybe a day or so, but then he would call her and beg her to go and get high with him. I know that she is responsible for herself, but hearing him claim to "love" her just makes me so angry! His mother is the one who supplies the pills to him (somehow she gets them from where she works- she's an ER nurse at a local hospital). I am angry with her as well because she also wouldn't let my friend leave when she tried to. His mother didn't want my friend to leave because she didn't want her son to be suicidal (he was always trying to commit suicide or harm himself in some way every time my friend tried to end their friendship).
Then, I'm still in denial. I tell myself it's all a bad dream at night when I can't sleep. I wake up in the morning thinking that it never really happened. Then reality hits me and I'm a sobbing mess all over again. Will this ever go away??
I find myself sitting on my front porch at night, staring into the darkness, praying to see her there. I left her a letter in her casket when she was buried on Thursday. Most of it was personal, so I won't say what it all said, but I did tell her to call me, just as I had ended every single note we passed to each other more than 10 years ago in high school. Every time the phone rings, I honestly get my hopes up that it's her. I know she's gone, but I still run for the phone, just in case.
At the burial on Thursday, I was standing just behind her brother's right shoulder. Out of nowhere, a large spider fell onto his right arm. He loves bugs- when we were all kids, he used to always try to get us to come look at some creepy-crawly thing he'd found. Well, this spider fell from the clear blue sky. There no trees anywhere near her grave, and the wind wasn't blowing at all- not even the slightest breeze. He and I were the only ones who saw it. It crawled up his arm to his collar, and then down the back of his jacket, around the side of his shoe, and towards her grave. Her brother and I don't believe it's a coincidence. There's just no way. She knew he loved bugs, and she sent it to him.
I feel like I'm losing my freakin' mind!!! She's gone, and I'm waiting for her phone call! The reason why it's so important to me is because when her fiance died back in 2004, she started getting calls from his cell phone a year later. His phone was still activated because it would have cost his family too much money to deactivate it. But it wasn't turned on, and was being stored in a box with his belongings in his parents basement. The calls weren't the strangest part. It was the eerie voice-mails that came with them. Lots of static, but a very low whispering voice was saying her name and saying things. Now, I'm praying that if it really was him- there never was another explanation for it- that she will be able to do the same for me. I take the cordless phone into the bedroom with me at night, and keep it next to my bed on the nightstand.
Is this all normal?? I've never lost anyone so close to me before. I've lost my great-grandparents, but I was little and barely remember them...
So many times I tried to talk to her about getting help, and she just would tell me what I wanted to hear. Now she's gone, and I feel like I should have DRAGGED her to rehab or done more for her. The guilt I feel over this is unbearable.
Then there's the anger. The person who was supplying her with the drugs had the nerve to make a speech at her funeral! He claimed he loved her very much, and that she was his "girlfriend". However, I know she never was. She told me countless times that she needed to stop hanging out with him because she wanted to get away from the drugs. She'd do OK for maybe a day or so, but then he would call her and beg her to go and get high with him. I know that she is responsible for herself, but hearing him claim to "love" her just makes me so angry! His mother is the one who supplies the pills to him (somehow she gets them from where she works- she's an ER nurse at a local hospital). I am angry with her as well because she also wouldn't let my friend leave when she tried to. His mother didn't want my friend to leave because she didn't want her son to be suicidal (he was always trying to commit suicide or harm himself in some way every time my friend tried to end their friendship).
Then, I'm still in denial. I tell myself it's all a bad dream at night when I can't sleep. I wake up in the morning thinking that it never really happened. Then reality hits me and I'm a sobbing mess all over again. Will this ever go away??
I find myself sitting on my front porch at night, staring into the darkness, praying to see her there. I left her a letter in her casket when she was buried on Thursday. Most of it was personal, so I won't say what it all said, but I did tell her to call me, just as I had ended every single note we passed to each other more than 10 years ago in high school. Every time the phone rings, I honestly get my hopes up that it's her. I know she's gone, but I still run for the phone, just in case.
At the burial on Thursday, I was standing just behind her brother's right shoulder. Out of nowhere, a large spider fell onto his right arm. He loves bugs- when we were all kids, he used to always try to get us to come look at some creepy-crawly thing he'd found. Well, this spider fell from the clear blue sky. There no trees anywhere near her grave, and the wind wasn't blowing at all- not even the slightest breeze. He and I were the only ones who saw it. It crawled up his arm to his collar, and then down the back of his jacket, around the side of his shoe, and towards her grave. Her brother and I don't believe it's a coincidence. There's just no way. She knew he loved bugs, and she sent it to him.
I feel like I'm losing my freakin' mind!!! She's gone, and I'm waiting for her phone call! The reason why it's so important to me is because when her fiance died back in 2004, she started getting calls from his cell phone a year later. His phone was still activated because it would have cost his family too much money to deactivate it. But it wasn't turned on, and was being stored in a box with his belongings in his parents basement. The calls weren't the strangest part. It was the eerie voice-mails that came with them. Lots of static, but a very low whispering voice was saying her name and saying things. Now, I'm praying that if it really was him- there never was another explanation for it- that she will be able to do the same for me. I take the cordless phone into the bedroom with me at night, and keep it next to my bed on the nightstand.
Is this all normal?? I've never lost anyone so close to me before. I've lost my great-grandparents, but I was little and barely remember them...
Please don't feel guilty. There is NOTHING you could have done to save her. NO ONE could have stopped her from using. ONLY SHE could have stopped herself. She had to be the one who wanted to stop, No amount of begging, bribing, pleading would have made any difference. You could even have committed her to a rehab and that wouldn't have worked. She had to WANT to quit. If an addict doesn't want to quit, they just plain won't. And obviously she wasn't ready and she didn't want to. So please stop feeling guilty. You could not help her.
Yes, it's extremely maddening that the people who provided these drugs to her are still walking around and pushing them on other people too. It doesn't seem fair, does it.
You're still in the 'shock' stage I believe. We go thru stages of grief, and there are 5 basic stages: shock, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. I think you're still in the first stage, but you'll get thru that. If you feel you may need some help, why not call hospice and talk to one of their grief counselors? you don't have to have used their services to talk to their counselors. i talked to one when my husband died and it did me a world of good, because i was a basket case! they are excellent at helping grieving people. you might give them a call.
i wish you the very best. my thoughts are with you and i'll keep you in my prayers. God bless you. hugs, lee
And thank you for your replies. I barely remember last week. I took my husband to a doctor's appointment right from the funeral, and I remember driving there, but I don't recall being there, talking to anyone, scheduling his next appointment (which was today, they called when we didn't show up, and they said I was the one who chose the day and time...), and I don't remember driving home. I don't remember most of the week and I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I was having an MS attack or the shock of it all... I'm doing a little better this week, but I feel like I've been kicked in the chest and my heart just flat-out aches =(