I've organised a charity skydive and am taking part in a run to raise money for a charity that was very close to my boyfriends heart. A lot of his friends decided to do the skydive with me too so we all met up tonight to talk about the best ways to raise money for him. I thought it would make me feel better seeing them all but I just feel so lost being with them without him. It still feels so strange he's not there with me and its almost 6 months since I lost him now. His friends are all great and they make me feel so welcome but I just can't shift the feeling of emptiness that he's not there by side.
The thing that really got to me is one of his closest friends and his girlfriend talking about putting offers in on a house. Me and Matt went to Scotland with them for the weekend last year and they started dating a few months before us. It really upset me hearing them talking about stuff like that and as happy as I was for them I couldn't help but think why can't that be me and Matt, we had talked about our future a lot but we never got it, I feel like I'll never have the excitement of looking at houses and planning a family now because I wanted all that with Matt and now he's gone and I'm fed up of people saying I will find someone else coz I'm so young, I'm 24, thought I'd be happily married to Matt by time I was 30, have our own house and possibly our own little family. Now I just feel like my future is totally gone because I don't want anyone else, I just want my Matt back. I may be young but that doesn't mean I want to jump back out there and find someone else, nobody can ever replace him. At the moment the thought of even being with someone else turns my stomach. I started feeling a bit more positive these past few days with training for the run and the skydive being all sorted, now I feel like I've been kicked right back down again. When does it start to get better?