I lost my baby girl when she was just 37weeks, she wasn't born yet but she was getting there!
I got pregnant pretty young, at 18 with a guy who was wrong for me and abusive and I wasn't prepared for a baby. I did drugs up until I got pregnant and stopped using during my pregnancy. I did my best to take care of myself, seeing the doctor when I was suppose too and running tests on a regular basis. During this time, I had moved back home with my brother and parents and ditched the boyfriend. I was okay with raising my baby with or without the dad's help. I knew that baby needed love, food and shelter and I could provide that along with the amazing support of my family. For being 18, I was a little more mature than the average 18yr old, and with a baby on the way, I knew I needed to change and be the best for my daughter, Hailey Jane. I became a whole different person-in a good way. During my months of pregnancy, everything was going great and everyone was getting excited for the baby to come. Of course by the time the "nesting stage" clicked in me, her room was set-up; a crib with pink soft velvety blankets, tiny baby stuffed animals, cute little pink baby girl clothes, changing table/dresser, etc. Hailey and I were going to share the room I was living in at the time with my parents, and by now it was a waiting game for the baby to come!
It was a Monday morning when I went in to see the doctor for my 37week check-up. Again, up until this point in previous ultrasounds and tests, Hailey was a healthy baby! Once in the exam room, the doctor does a "heartbeat" monitor check. She put the microphone to my belly and moved it around until you could hear my babies heart pounding away... The doctor said everything is going well and to come back in a week. I don't remember that following Tuesday much, but starting into Wednesday I was getting sharp pains in my lower back and I didn't think too much of it-but that sparked the fact that I hadn't really felt Hailey kick/move, considering she was bigger and moved a lot, it was a little off; the doctor did say and I did read somewhere, sometimes the baby is so big they don't have much room to move around, therefore you may not feel the baby move as much..so not thinking much I went on my day... Thursday hits, and my dad is home with me. I tell him my back is hurting and if he could massage it out. During my massage, I casually say to my dad, "I've had this back pain for at least two days now, and when I talk to Hailey she doesn't kick and I haven't felt her move much.." My dad did not act well when I told him what's been going on, he gets angry and starts yelling at me, "Why didn't you say anything sooner?! What if Hailey isn't okay?! What are you talking about?! You need to call your doctor right now, right now!!! I think we need to go to the hospital!" During his frantic out burst, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The thought's running through my mind...She's gone. Hailey is gone, I just know it, I'm her mother, I know it in my gut but I didn't want to accept it so I went numb. My mind stopped working, the world stopped turning, everything around me wasn't real. After a quick phone call to the doctor, my dad had me rushed to the office where the doctor took me back in a room quickly and connected me to heart monitors to check the babies heartbeat. I wanted to be hopeful and hear a heartbeat, but all hooked up and we heard nothing. I knew Hailey was gone at this point, my baby was gone. They tried another heart monitor and still heard nothing. Since we were at the doctor's office, they said based on what's going on, I needed to be rushed to the hospital, where there they could really tell me what was going on. I didn't need some stupid hospital to tell me my baby was dead, I already knew she was. Still numb with no tears left to cry, we walk into the ER and my family is frantictly explaining that I'm loosing my baby and we needed help right away! Once admitted, I'm quickly brought to the ultrasound room. By this time, I have my mom with me. She was doing her best to stay strong because she knew she had to be there for me, and I give her props for being an amazing mom, this was hard for her as much as it was for me. By law, the ultrasound tech couldn't tell me if my baby was alive or deceased, since she wasn't the doctor she couldn't make that decision to say. As she's doing an ultrasound, I lay there patiently waiting for this to be all over. I just wanted everything to be fake, a nightmare I could wake up from. I couldn't see the screen well, but my mom had a clear shot of Hailey on the screen. I look at my mom and without saying anything, I asked with my eyes- I knew she could understand me, I asked her what she saw, if she saw a heartbeat...Seconds and minutes that felt like hours, she looked back at me- fought back a rainfall of tears; and it hit me again, Hailey is gone. That moment was extremely difficult for us, but I'm glad she was there with me. The ultrasound tech didn't say much, but one thing she said and I'll never forget, is; *points her finger to the monitor, and points in the chest area of the baby and says, "IF there was a heartbeat, this is where it would be.." The ultrasound tech couldn't have said it any colder, like I just lost my baby and this human witnessing this has no compassion. My mom walks along side of me as I'm being pushed in a wheelchair down the cold, quiet hallways of the hospital. Nothing was said during that walk, I couldn't even blink I was so frozen and numb. We get to a Labor and Delivery room where my dad and brother are waiting to hear how the ultrasound went. With sad faces, they knew Hailey was gone. It was hard news for everyone. Once the doctor views my chart, they want to induce labor and get the baby out right away. Hailey was at least 2 days deceased by this time so the doctors were concerned for my well being too. It was late and I had had my limit, I didn't like being told what to do either, it was my body, my life, my choice. I demanded to go home, and sleep in my own bed one last time with Hailey and go to the hospital the next morning and deliver Hailey. The doctors and my parents were all against me going home, my parents wanted me safe and under the care of doctors. With reality sinking in, there was no way in hell I was staying at that hospital for the night. So with it being my way of course, we all went home. I slept in my bed and my dad laid on the hard concrete tile floor to keep an eye on me, eventually I let him lay next to me. I cried some but I did sleep a little that night, the comfort of my dad was nice. It was hard to wake up that morning, seeing her crib and everything I worked so hard for, for her and me, then just to be taken like that from me?! It's quiet in the car on the way to the hospital, the plan once there was to induce me, get contractions and push the baby out.. It was a weekend so I had the "on-call" doctor, not my doctor I had worked with for 9months...He was a little rough, and to be honest, seemed impatient. I had a doula there for support, and my mom was there by my side as well. Once it was time to push, I get hot and very sweaty and what feels like forever, I'm crying, I'm screaming, I can't push, they're making me push a dead baby out, it was impossible, my body wasn't pushing her, so the doctor used forceps to help guide her out. It was the most brutal, awful, worst feeling ever, I quickly vomit and then Hailey slid out. Once she was finally out, it was a huge sense of relief but then her lifeless body is placed into my arms. I kiss her and look at my beautiful baby, my precious angel. She's covered in blood, some of her skin was peeling, by her eyelid, some skin had peeled, 7lbs 14oz. I hold her hands, I touch her toes. It's not real what's going, I'm not really holding my baby, my stillborn baby, this isn't real. It all feels unfair, and I'm angry she was taken from me, as if I did something wrong to deserve my baby taken from me like that. I'll always regret and never forgive myself for feeling like I didn't hold her enough, or long enough before she was cremated. Lots of family, friends, and family friends came to my side for support in the loss of Hailey. My dad, mom and brother all got to hold Hailey before letting her go to Heaven. With on and off visitors, I fell asleep during a time some family friends were visiting. In my sleep, I kinda still can hear what's going on in the background but then all the sudden I dream off- I'm flying through a bright gorgeous baby blue sky, looking through my eyes, and I can feel a tiny hand holding mine, flying with me, but when I try to look over, I don't see anything, but keep asking the questions, "Are you showing me you're okay? Is this where you live now? Is this Heaven, are you showing me you're in Heaven?" I knew in the dream it was Hailey, letting me know she's in a good place. That was such an amazing experience, I woke up telling everyone my dream. They all believed it was Hailey too. The family friend visiting me was the wife of my dad's best friend. She had a stillbirth too, although her baby had the ambilicord wrapped around his neck and they couldn't save him in time, so she knew what I was going through. She had explained she experiened something similar like a dream but in her dream she saw her son and that was the only time she had felt his presence. To this date, I've felt Hailey's presence twice. I had arranged for Hailey to be cremated so I could always have her with me. The memorial for Hailey was generously paid for by the funeral home, and they helped pay for her cremations. We were grateful, and lots of people showed up for the loss of Hailey. After the memorial, we went for a lunch at a local Olive Garden. With no appetite, I sat with my friends from high school. That first week after loosing Hailey, I fell into deep depression and cried all day if not slept all day. After a month, I pull myself together enough to move out again, and get my own place. I knew Hailey would have wanted me to do what I wanted to do.
It'll be 10 years March 1 since Hailey went to Heaven, and I miss you everyday!
I love you Hailey Jane,
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