Today marks the 2nd year anniversary of the day my father passed, April 11 2009. Ironically, it was cold this morning like it was that morning, when I woke up some hours after leaving the hospital where he had been pronounced dead, and wishing it had only been a bad dream.

Since that time, my home was foreclosed a year ago and I lived in several places before finally moving into a hotel. I'm working the rent off in a second-hand store run by the manager. Some people think that's a pretty good deal; I did for awhile (and it still beats living in a shelter), except that the lady I work for is getting harder and harder to deal with. (I could say more, but I'll save it for the "Emotional Abuse" column.) In a way I'm glad, though; because in spite of the pain that causes me (including the fact that she thinks I should be able to "handle it" by now about Dad being gone two years) it's a wake-up call. It fires me up to try harder than ever to move forward with my life, to try to get another job and take whatever steps I can to get me a place of my own and get out of my situation.

I still feel considerable pain at times about Dad; at times I think I'm "stuck in grief", though I'm working to get "un-stuck". I'm going to Griefshare meetings at my church, and they help some. I'm getting together with my family as often as I can, too, and it also helps to know that so many people are supportive.

Since the grieving process had to be complicated due to the upcoming foreclosure and so many other factors, and because of my living and working situation right now, it's hard to say if things are better for me at this time as far as dealing with my loss. So much happens sometimes that makes it that much harder not having Dad around. On the other hand, there's a lot that I'm glad he didn't have to live through, nor would I want him back if it meant he had to deal with his own pain all over again. I don't pity him; rather I envy him.

But with only occassional exceptions, my will to live IS stronger than it was two years ago. I know that God is with me and is taking care of me, and I believe that He will either change my situation or give me the strength to deal with it. At any rate, I know that one day things will be better.

I've made a memorial CD (actually a re-mix of one a friend made) with several songs for Dad. One of them is "In Loving Memory" by Alter Bridge; and if it's okay I'd like to share the lyrics here.

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And I'll come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad He set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

(c) 2004 Mark Tremonti (Alter Bridge)